A question, no doubt, we've all pondered. A question, that every single person, on this earth, has a different answer to. A question, no one, can answer, for anyone else. One, that even I, don't know the answer to, for myself.
I've cut myself off from blogging for a good reason. I tend to get all... emotional and no one ever really needs to know what's going on in my life. Not through a blog. It's sad how we end up relying on social networks... to fix our social lives. How we, use them, to cure our loneliness, or use them to find out, is this person still alive? Remember, the old fashioned... Phone call??? Letter? Where did those go?
The 1st year, is definitely not the hardest year of marriage for McCord and I. For us, it's the 3rd. (SO Far..) and... impressively that took an interesting turn, seeing as how... it just started. Not to get into details, no one needs those anymore, seeing as how, it's really no one's business.... but, prayers, are always welcome. McCord, and I, love each other... so much. It's just... so hard, for someone like me, to be in a relationship, consistently, for so long, (This is my longest) And, have it be a happy one. True to my ways, I've gone to places these past few months, I can't take back, or change. Anyway, my point is, we're still working things out, and it's not easy.
One of my only TRUE friends right now, is with us. As a roommate. The blessings that have come from that are capricious to say the least. I doubt he'll ever read this, so I can say whatever I want and have him not get mad.... ;))) Goofiest kid ever. Definitely Helps you understand life a different way. He's the best. The optimism that comes from such a sad person, is wondrous. I can't believe it. I wish I could be like that.
Anyway, there's the update. That hasn't happened for months out of fear for spilling too much, or venting in the wrong way.... :)
BTW... happiness, to me.... right now, is having a Boy..like Xander... love me unconditionally. I don't think I would be here if he wasn't here. That kid, just gives me a reason to want to be alive.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
WOw...It's been a while.
I haven't posted in quite some time. There's reason for that. But...i won't go into detail.
As for news. I've officially started work again. I talked my buddy mike into coming back to work with me so i wasn't alone. And, yeah. it'll be a good year. :))) I got me a whole 20 Cent raise. it's fantastic. I can't wait to catch up on bills.
Now.....To explain our last few weeks.
Xander had his 9 month check up, and then we learned his weight is in the bottom 3rd percentile. but everything else is on schedule. He's trying so hard to walk right now. It's so cute. he's starting to think that if he uses his *crab/gorilla walk* he'll get there faster. You should see how fast he'll like, chase after us like, if we leave the room, or he sees Missy, our cat...oh man, that kid could do a crawling/crab walking marathon.
He went up to riverton primary childrens hospital to have his eyes looked at, and they decided that we're doing Surgery on October 14th, and what it really entails, is they'll be putting like, needles, that have balloons on the end of them, and they swell the balloons up, once they're in place, and then he'll like, have his tear ducts unclogged. I'm very worried about him. i dont want anything to go wrong. I can't imagine parents who have thier babies in surgery every month to fix one thing or another. UGh i'd have a heart attack.
Well, i'm not sure what else to write. TTYL!
As for news. I've officially started work again. I talked my buddy mike into coming back to work with me so i wasn't alone. And, yeah. it'll be a good year. :))) I got me a whole 20 Cent raise. it's fantastic. I can't wait to catch up on bills.
Now.....To explain our last few weeks.
Xander had his 9 month check up, and then we learned his weight is in the bottom 3rd percentile. but everything else is on schedule. He's trying so hard to walk right now. It's so cute. he's starting to think that if he uses his *crab/gorilla walk* he'll get there faster. You should see how fast he'll like, chase after us like, if we leave the room, or he sees Missy, our cat...oh man, that kid could do a crawling/crab walking marathon.
He went up to riverton primary childrens hospital to have his eyes looked at, and they decided that we're doing Surgery on October 14th, and what it really entails, is they'll be putting like, needles, that have balloons on the end of them, and they swell the balloons up, once they're in place, and then he'll like, have his tear ducts unclogged. I'm very worried about him. i dont want anything to go wrong. I can't imagine parents who have thier babies in surgery every month to fix one thing or another. UGh i'd have a heart attack.
Well, i'm not sure what else to write. TTYL!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
4th of July
Here are some pictures to show you my weekend. Xanders 1st, 4th of July. It was pretty fun. I probably bought his guitar/star onsie back in April....thinking, he's got 2 months to fit into it...it should be fine. it's a 6-9 month onsie...and it was drowning him. SO..I put another onsie underneath, and put some jeans on him. they were still big, but just fine. So, That is my favorite onsie i have now. I just wish it didn't say USA rocks. But it's okay, he does live here i guess. LOL. Anyway, so,i get him dressed in the morning, and McCord had to go to work. So, we went with him. He worked from 1-6:30. Which, can get old to xander very fast. I try not to put him down on the floor to crawl around, cuz let's face it, hospitals are not the cleanest place to be. And, he can only be entertained by silly faces for so long. Anyway, We were there then, and then after, we went to McCords moms house, for a BBQ on McCords new grill, and then we did fireworks.BtW...Worst weather ever for a 4th holiday. That was lame. it totally rained!But, the fireworks were awesome. Xander was scared at first, but he got used to it, and then loved to watch the sparkling lights. I tried to get a few pictures,but it didn't work much. Lame. I still have much to learn about my camera. BULB settings would have been nice to learn. maybe by the 24th. ;) I'll upload some more too...promise. But...this first picture, i think was actually the 2nd of July..and then the tie dye onsie was the 3rd, and then the guitar star was the 4th. He had little flag shoes too to go along with the holiday. One thing i've learned..is don't buy shoes unless he can wear them with a lot of things. And...it think those are the only holiday shoes i'll ever buy. Did love them tho. :) Babies R Us is my weakness. Whether i have money or not. And, yes, I bought them forever ago. So, no worries. I knew i wouldn't have money in the summer. HAHA.anyway, McCord had fun being a pyro, with the Now Legal Aerials, and I had fun holding Xander and watching his reaction. 
Monday, June 27, 2011
Darkness vs Happiness
That last post was a little dark. So...let me do a happy post to even it out a bit. :))
Xander, is 8 months old now. In the past 8 months, my life has...brightened. :) I can't stand how much i love Xander. He, and of course, i'm Biased to my own son, is the cutest baby i've ever seen. Just today, he fit into a shirt that was 0-3 mo. And, i say that, because, I am so...happy. that he's small. Is that weird? before i had him, i always thought, I want a chunky baby. I totally reverse my thoughts on that. I love being able to dress him, in the same clothes, as 3 months ago. it makes for using baby clothes more so they're worth their money. :)))
Now, my birthday, was 9 days ago. Guess what i did.
We went SHOPPING! GUess what i bought! Just basically stuff for my boy! Don't worry, i bought stuff all over 9 mo. (Not that he'll fit into that for a while.) So, from 9-18 mo clothes for my boy. That was soooooo fun. I love shopping for Xander. I know what i like, i buy the same tank tops from Downeast to put under the random "Oh that's cute" shirt i find at whereever. Like walmart. Yep, i shop at walmart for clothes sometimes. You know why? It's like, 4 dollars for a cute shirt! So, i totally don't mind! (Please let it be known, i do shop elsewhere.)
Anyway, My 3rd anniversary is coming up. Does anyone know of any ideas for me to do a celebration/date type thing? I'm like, stumped. I know i want to do big things, like, Italy, Australia, etc, on major anniversary's, but not like, 3. Anyway, yeah, gimme ideas! I'm so excited!
Xander, is 8 months old now. In the past 8 months, my life has...brightened. :) I can't stand how much i love Xander. He, and of course, i'm Biased to my own son, is the cutest baby i've ever seen. Just today, he fit into a shirt that was 0-3 mo. And, i say that, because, I am so...happy. that he's small. Is that weird? before i had him, i always thought, I want a chunky baby. I totally reverse my thoughts on that. I love being able to dress him, in the same clothes, as 3 months ago. it makes for using baby clothes more so they're worth their money. :)))
Now, my birthday, was 9 days ago. Guess what i did.
We went SHOPPING! GUess what i bought! Just basically stuff for my boy! Don't worry, i bought stuff all over 9 mo. (Not that he'll fit into that for a while.) So, from 9-18 mo clothes for my boy. That was soooooo fun. I love shopping for Xander. I know what i like, i buy the same tank tops from Downeast to put under the random "Oh that's cute" shirt i find at whereever. Like walmart. Yep, i shop at walmart for clothes sometimes. You know why? It's like, 4 dollars for a cute shirt! So, i totally don't mind! (Please let it be known, i do shop elsewhere.)
Anyway, My 3rd anniversary is coming up. Does anyone know of any ideas for me to do a celebration/date type thing? I'm like, stumped. I know i want to do big things, like, Italy, Australia, etc, on major anniversary's, but not like, 3. Anyway, yeah, gimme ideas! I'm so excited!
What is your worst feeling?
I ask that because, I remember, mine a lot. My worst feeling. The feeling of being violated occurs pretty often in my dreams. I wake up a lot, and a lot of the time, i dream, something about Foster care. To me, that's a violation. Of privacy, of anything really. She (By she i mean, the foster mom that really is the only one i hate with a passion.)knew how i slept, knew how i ate, knew everything. I had no privacy. Could you imagine? All your deepest secrets, out for the "Family" exposure.
But...sometimes, that wasn't the worst feeling.
The worst, sometimes, for me, would be, me, trying to get a fix, of something, to help me... feel better, even for a moment, and that person, trying to hook me up with that fix, asking me to do a special something for them.
That's the worst. Knowing you may not get temporary happiness without having to expose yourself, even more. And what's even better? Asking an abused teenager, Therefore, much more self conscious than some teens, (Which yes, i realize all teens are self conscious.) to be much more open for a minute, just for them.
I'll add more later. Physical therapy is a-callin'.
But...sometimes, that wasn't the worst feeling.
The worst, sometimes, for me, would be, me, trying to get a fix, of something, to help me... feel better, even for a moment, and that person, trying to hook me up with that fix, asking me to do a special something for them.
That's the worst. Knowing you may not get temporary happiness without having to expose yourself, even more. And what's even better? Asking an abused teenager, Therefore, much more self conscious than some teens, (Which yes, i realize all teens are self conscious.) to be much more open for a minute, just for them.
I'll add more later. Physical therapy is a-callin'.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The little things that make us happy.
Here's the blog post, i've been meaning to do in a while. it's been over a month since my last post, and i have so much to write. this may have to be 2 different posts.
Xander, is the smartest, little stinker. I bet, if i didn't spoil him so much, he'd learn even faster. But i can't help it.
He's learned to crawl, and he's pulling himself up to a stand on some things. and he's a gorilla sometimes. walks on his tipi toes and hands. it's adorable. He chases missy around the whole house. she hates him. well, maybe not hate. But she hasn't figured him out.
Xander, gets so excited, when he sees himself in the mirror. He always, hits the mirror and gets all happy. it's the best. I'll record it sometime.
He only sleeps...20-45 min at a time. Which, sometimes i'd love a little more time to get something done. You know? But..i'm grateful, in a way. Sometimes, when he's sleeping, i miss him..and want him back awake. So...
then... i think, there are some kids, that give their mom, an hour nap a day, and are running amok the rest of the day. So..thank goodness xander takes like, 4 naps a day. phew!
Today, he's a little clingy, i just put him down, and he'll start screaming. and then, i pick him up, and he's so snugly, and, he just quiets after hugging me so tight. It's kinda sweet.
He's discovered, mom will share food with him sometimes. So what happens is, if i get a drink, (mostly bottles) he watches me drink it, and makes as close as the noises and movements i make, to try and get some. It's adorable. I need to record that too. Don't you wish, someone was always on us with a video camera? I do. To capture the adorable things i know i'm going to want to remember. I miss xander when he was smaller. :(( Sometimes, i want to go back, and see how it would have been had i tried certain things with him? Like, i'm trying to get him to sign "more" and i'm just not consistent. I'm horrible at it :(
Anyway, i'm loving this whole...not having to work thing. It's so wonderful. I always thought i'd be bored...(which i am) but not nearly as bored as like, when i was 10 years old and had no tv or something electronic to keep me company. I love being bored with just xander. He's always doing something new, or keeping me company. He's my cute guy. Which, btw..he answers, to a few things... like, "Hello...or LIttle stinker, or..bubba, or little bubs or my little love" It's funny. People are like, you call him that? He knows that that's him? Yeah...he knows he's my little love. :) I have this one friend, Donovan, who i honestly, underestimated with his power to be any sort of paternal...but he's so cute with xander. And xander loves him. It's great. I just wish the people i really should be close to, would try and be closer with xander and me. Like my dad. I know he means well. But he still hasn't met xander. and, that does kinda put a damper on things. I wish he would. It's lame. Well, xander officially has 3 teeth. His 4th, the top left tooth is Trying to break through,but not quite there yet, and then the little stink, still doesn't have much hair. But i mohawked it yesterday anyway. ;) Stay tuned for a post i've been trying to put together...talk to ya soon!
Xander, is the smartest, little stinker. I bet, if i didn't spoil him so much, he'd learn even faster. But i can't help it.
He's learned to crawl, and he's pulling himself up to a stand on some things. and he's a gorilla sometimes. walks on his tipi toes and hands. it's adorable. He chases missy around the whole house. she hates him. well, maybe not hate. But she hasn't figured him out.
Xander, gets so excited, when he sees himself in the mirror. He always, hits the mirror and gets all happy. it's the best. I'll record it sometime.
He only sleeps...20-45 min at a time. Which, sometimes i'd love a little more time to get something done. You know? But..i'm grateful, in a way. Sometimes, when he's sleeping, i miss him..and want him back awake. So...
then... i think, there are some kids, that give their mom, an hour nap a day, and are running amok the rest of the day. So..thank goodness xander takes like, 4 naps a day. phew!
Today, he's a little clingy, i just put him down, and he'll start screaming. and then, i pick him up, and he's so snugly, and, he just quiets after hugging me so tight. It's kinda sweet.
He's discovered, mom will share food with him sometimes. So what happens is, if i get a drink, (mostly bottles) he watches me drink it, and makes as close as the noises and movements i make, to try and get some. It's adorable. I need to record that too. Don't you wish, someone was always on us with a video camera? I do. To capture the adorable things i know i'm going to want to remember. I miss xander when he was smaller. :(( Sometimes, i want to go back, and see how it would have been had i tried certain things with him? Like, i'm trying to get him to sign "more" and i'm just not consistent. I'm horrible at it :(
Anyway, i'm loving this whole...not having to work thing. It's so wonderful. I always thought i'd be bored...(which i am) but not nearly as bored as like, when i was 10 years old and had no tv or something electronic to keep me company. I love being bored with just xander. He's always doing something new, or keeping me company. He's my cute guy. Which, btw..he answers, to a few things... like, "Hello...or LIttle stinker, or..bubba, or little bubs or my little love" It's funny. People are like, you call him that? He knows that that's him? Yeah...he knows he's my little love. :) I have this one friend, Donovan, who i honestly, underestimated with his power to be any sort of paternal...but he's so cute with xander. And xander loves him. It's great. I just wish the people i really should be close to, would try and be closer with xander and me. Like my dad. I know he means well. But he still hasn't met xander. and, that does kinda put a damper on things. I wish he would. It's lame. Well, xander officially has 3 teeth. His 4th, the top left tooth is Trying to break through,but not quite there yet, and then the little stink, still doesn't have much hair. But i mohawked it yesterday anyway. ;) Stay tuned for a post i've been trying to put together...talk to ya soon!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sleep Much?
Something's wrong. And i say this, without meaning to worry anyone. I promise. But something's wrong. This whole past week, or so, my body, has not wanted to cooperate. It's been really hard to do ANYTHING! I can't stand it! I am now, in a horrible horrible habit because of my body not doing what i want and should be able to normally do. Now, on to explaining. I go to work from 7:30, to 2:15 daily. I don't mind this. NO not at all. It's fine. However, when i get home at 2:30, i almost immediately have to sleep. I can sleep, til 7. Which, honestly, takes 4 and a half hours a day out of mine, and I HATE IT! BUT...Either way.I need help. I can't continue like this! I need to schedule a doctor appt asap to figure out what's going on! I haven't been this tired since I was Pregnant with Xander.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm not pregnant. I had thought of that. I checked...took a test....twas negative. So i'm not pregnant. But i certainly feel, (minus the constant urination and constant need to eat) like i'm pregnant. No fun. Especially, when, you at least have a reason to be feeling like this. You're body, making another human being, is great! However....to my disappointment...i'm not. Not that i'm ready for another one so close! BUT that would for sure make me feel less worried about my lack of energy, and whatnot. I would love to know what the hell is going on.
Next point, that needs to be discussed. WHO THE HELL, thought of the anti-depression pills, that make you MORE DEPRESSED?! Well, that's what's been going on. My extreme vulnerability, my regression, yeah...all thanks to a little medicine, supposed to be doing the opposite of what it's doing. Thanks jackass. (Excuse my lack of propriety with that word. Show how pissed i am?) Well, so, once i decided, hey, maybe that's the problem, i stopped taking my pills. Therefore, withdrawal. So, if you've ever actually withdrawn yourself from taking a certain medication, if it was doing anything to your body, you'd know it from withdrawal. Immediatly, like, after 36-48 hours of not taking my medication, i start twitching...and this isn't like, some little tiny twitch. You know those movies, where someone goes to rehab for a drug or alcohol addiction, and so they're all twitchy and weird? That's me. Well, was me. So, I all of a sudden, almost have no control over how stable i look, or walk, etc. SO, imagine that, in MY line of work, with people i DON'T know quite as well as i did in my OTHER job. Yeah, you can imagine the awkwardness. Awful. So, that's been shitty. (Yes i meant to say shitty.)
PS....Don't judge me. I have a tattoo that shows and one that doesn't. I swear. I almost always, wear a cross. (I.e. not freaking mormon) but when the hell did that become a horrible thing to be. Not mormon. Really? You'd be surprised how differently i'm treated. ESPECIALLY since i have a child, and my husband looks like he's 12 years old. My hell, the stares i get are incredible. People definitely are awesome. NOT! Certainly you can't expect me to be too shocked. I knew (of) the risks of getting a tattoo and having it show. However, I completely and 100% believe, people, are shits. (For a lack of better/more mature wording right now) I'm disgusted with how people act here. Here, as in UTah. That's right UTah. i've honestly thought of moving. I want to be closer to family. And...the family i care the most about, is in Virginia. Where there are NOT half as many judgmental people.
Enough for tonight.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm not pregnant. I had thought of that. I checked...took a test....twas negative. So i'm not pregnant. But i certainly feel, (minus the constant urination and constant need to eat) like i'm pregnant. No fun. Especially, when, you at least have a reason to be feeling like this. You're body, making another human being, is great! However....to my disappointment...i'm not. Not that i'm ready for another one so close! BUT that would for sure make me feel less worried about my lack of energy, and whatnot. I would love to know what the hell is going on.
Next point, that needs to be discussed. WHO THE HELL, thought of the anti-depression pills, that make you MORE DEPRESSED?! Well, that's what's been going on. My extreme vulnerability, my regression, yeah...all thanks to a little medicine, supposed to be doing the opposite of what it's doing. Thanks jackass. (Excuse my lack of propriety with that word. Show how pissed i am?) Well, so, once i decided, hey, maybe that's the problem, i stopped taking my pills. Therefore, withdrawal. So, if you've ever actually withdrawn yourself from taking a certain medication, if it was doing anything to your body, you'd know it from withdrawal. Immediatly, like, after 36-48 hours of not taking my medication, i start twitching...and this isn't like, some little tiny twitch. You know those movies, where someone goes to rehab for a drug or alcohol addiction, and so they're all twitchy and weird? That's me. Well, was me. So, I all of a sudden, almost have no control over how stable i look, or walk, etc. SO, imagine that, in MY line of work, with people i DON'T know quite as well as i did in my OTHER job. Yeah, you can imagine the awkwardness. Awful. So, that's been shitty. (Yes i meant to say shitty.)
PS....Don't judge me. I have a tattoo that shows and one that doesn't. I swear. I almost always, wear a cross. (I.e. not freaking mormon) but when the hell did that become a horrible thing to be. Not mormon. Really? You'd be surprised how differently i'm treated. ESPECIALLY since i have a child, and my husband looks like he's 12 years old. My hell, the stares i get are incredible. People definitely are awesome. NOT! Certainly you can't expect me to be too shocked. I knew (of) the risks of getting a tattoo and having it show. However, I completely and 100% believe, people, are shits. (For a lack of better/more mature wording right now) I'm disgusted with how people act here. Here, as in UTah. That's right UTah. i've honestly thought of moving. I want to be closer to family. And...the family i care the most about, is in Virginia. Where there are NOT half as many judgmental people.
Enough for tonight.
Monday, May 2, 2011
"Easy A"
Just watched this. I've got a few things to say. Story...of...my life. Only..the thing is, I never told anyone that i was doing something, i'm not really doing. So really, not the story of my life. However, all her feelings, i totally can relate to. Girl does something nice, however, makes her seem like something she's not, and it blows up in her face, she's just...not that girl, and she ends up, learning a life lesson. She's not really a slut like she wants people to believe. Those people she helped, were just a bit..confused.They thought they wanted what they got, but really, in the end, honesty..is the best medicine. That and a great self esteem. (Aren't her parents amazingly great?)http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1282140/
my thing is, everyone believes me to be this...person, and sometimes, i feel like, i have to live up to THEIR expectations. When really, I shouldn't.
AnYWaY~.... Here's my week. I have had a hard one. And...not that it's like super hard or anything, but compared to what i'm used to now with Xander, and McCord, the normal drama that I could care less for these days, are there....sooo...we got some news, and that rocked our whole week. It'll probably be very different from here on out. For the rest of the year, we'll have to help someone, move forward in life.
Wanna hear something odd??? I found a bruise...on my boob. That's right, a bruise. Now, i've narrowed it down to 2 things. Xander, or someone at work. Now, let's think about this. I have 3 violent kids at work. And, they don't necessarily get to me all the time. So...i'm not so sure it's them. However, 1, this week, bit my finger. My finger, dripped blood, for about an hour, and then, after that, it was just, like, bandaged, so yeah. But i couldn't take the bandaid off for about 24 hours. Anyway, if the bruise was from xander, no prob. that kid, is so grabby, when i feed him, he likes to go for my mouth...usually. And my hair. So, i was thinking he could have pinched me. BUT...i don't think he would have gotten me that hard. now..my next thought,w as his teeth. Those 2 little teeth....are sharp little suckers! The bruise is small enough to where i could see him biting me. HAHA...mystery of the week? Lol.
Well, that's the story of my life. ;) Tune in for next week. Story of my mothers day week, 1st one as an actual MOTHER! :))) McCord keeps talking about how he knows exactly what he's getting me. So it has me on edge. i'm like a child. I can't wait.
my thing is, everyone believes me to be this...person, and sometimes, i feel like, i have to live up to THEIR expectations. When really, I shouldn't.
AnYWaY~.... Here's my week. I have had a hard one. And...not that it's like super hard or anything, but compared to what i'm used to now with Xander, and McCord, the normal drama that I could care less for these days, are there....sooo...we got some news, and that rocked our whole week. It'll probably be very different from here on out. For the rest of the year, we'll have to help someone, move forward in life.
Wanna hear something odd??? I found a bruise...on my boob. That's right, a bruise. Now, i've narrowed it down to 2 things. Xander, or someone at work. Now, let's think about this. I have 3 violent kids at work. And, they don't necessarily get to me all the time. So...i'm not so sure it's them. However, 1, this week, bit my finger. My finger, dripped blood, for about an hour, and then, after that, it was just, like, bandaged, so yeah. But i couldn't take the bandaid off for about 24 hours. Anyway, if the bruise was from xander, no prob. that kid, is so grabby, when i feed him, he likes to go for my mouth...usually. And my hair. So, i was thinking he could have pinched me. BUT...i don't think he would have gotten me that hard. now..my next thought,w as his teeth. Those 2 little teeth....are sharp little suckers! The bruise is small enough to where i could see him biting me. HAHA...mystery of the week? Lol.
Well, that's the story of my life. ;) Tune in for next week. Story of my mothers day week, 1st one as an actual MOTHER! :))) McCord keeps talking about how he knows exactly what he's getting me. So it has me on edge. i'm like a child. I can't wait.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I need to find myself again.
Lately, i've been a bit more...shall we say, regressive? I need to stay off of FB for a while, and see if that helps me get the time i need to discover myself again. I'm thinking, it may have to do with my anti depressants. They are just...doing quite the opposite job they're supposed to be doing. Which, sucks. Obviously. Cuz, how shitty is that? Anti deppressants making you depressed? Awesome.
ANYWAY, so, i'm going to keep taking them, because...honestly, they speed up my metabolism, and it's one of the only safe if not THE only safe one, i can actually be on while breast feeding. :)
So, i'm staying off of my personal page, i'll be updating the Gabography page whenever i get a shoot edited...and yeah!:)
Xander tried carrots...and he was so sick of being in the high chair since he was in it for a whole...20 min by then. (Yes that's a long time, since he hates going in it for even 5 min) And, this is the picture he let me take of him, that i will probably love forever.
And then, this one, the other day, April 16th, we were in Hot Topic browsing, and whatnot, and then, i found these glasses. Just had to try them on Xander. :)
Anyway, those are my pictures of the week :)
And.......back to editing pictures! I just needed a vent break. :)
Ps...you know what really "grinds my gears"?
people who leave their kids, or pets in the car, at a grocery store, in the emergency lane, and then go inside to do their business. Hello! If it was meant to be a parking spot, they would have made one. ESPECIALLY if you leave your kids inside, and think it's okay. UGH! Makes me wanna call the police every time. But, to be honest, i have. I will again, if i find it necessary. Park and take your kids inside okay? If you have the time to go to walmart, take the time to load and unload your kids. You never know what can happen when you leave them in a car, by itself. Which, brings me to my next point. leaving your car running, with your kids in it, is just ASKING for someone to kidnap your child. Don't be a dumbass!
NIGHT! :)
ANYWAY, so, i'm going to keep taking them, because...honestly, they speed up my metabolism, and it's one of the only safe if not THE only safe one, i can actually be on while breast feeding. :)
So, i'm staying off of my personal page, i'll be updating the Gabography page whenever i get a shoot edited...and yeah!:)
Xander tried carrots...and he was so sick of being in the high chair since he was in it for a whole...20 min by then. (Yes that's a long time, since he hates going in it for even 5 min) And, this is the picture he let me take of him, that i will probably love forever. 
Anyway, those are my pictures of the week :)
And.......back to editing pictures! I just needed a vent break. :)
Ps...you know what really "grinds my gears"?
people who leave their kids, or pets in the car, at a grocery store, in the emergency lane, and then go inside to do their business. Hello! If it was meant to be a parking spot, they would have made one. ESPECIALLY if you leave your kids inside, and think it's okay. UGH! Makes me wanna call the police every time. But, to be honest, i have. I will again, if i find it necessary. Park and take your kids inside okay? If you have the time to go to walmart, take the time to load and unload your kids. You never know what can happen when you leave them in a car, by itself. Which, brings me to my next point. leaving your car running, with your kids in it, is just ASKING for someone to kidnap your child. Don't be a dumbass! NIGHT! :)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Parents do it best....
Okay, i may have altered my title a little. it's a quote from someone i know, on FB, who's a single, woman, and having a baby. Which, doesn't surprise me. She's actually had a still born, so she's not new to the lifestyle of being single, and pregnant. I actually went to that funeral. Saddest one i've ever been to. It broke my heart. :( Anyway, her Status, was, "Single parents do it best." Now, i disagree, respectfully of course...but i disagree. I really think, if it werent' for McCord, i would not be as good as a mom as I am. Now, if that were me writing that status, knowing what i know, i'd write, Single parents, are the hardest workers.
NOT, that i don't think us married with children couples, don't work hard, but i do believe, we have our work cut out for us. Now, take one of us parents away, and just have 1 adult to a baby, and i don't even want to think about how hard that could be!
Just had to offer that little tidbit.
NOT, that i don't think us married with children couples, don't work hard, but i do believe, we have our work cut out for us. Now, take one of us parents away, and just have 1 adult to a baby, and i don't even want to think about how hard that could be!
Just had to offer that little tidbit.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My photography.
Okay, first of all, i get way ahead of myself. I try super hard to please any and everyone, but the truth is, is I love my family. And, they're my number 1 priority. so, please, please, don't take it the wrong way, if I've said, YES! Let's schedule a shoot, and then, i become really engulfed in Xander. Some days, i get paranoid, thinking, is he breathing funny, should I watch him closer? Should I just take him to the doctor, and then other days, I'm like, oh my gosh, I need a break! I love that little guy more than anything else in the world, but...there are days i hold him MUCH less than i really should.
Anyway, my point is, I intend good things....sometimes, I just can't get to it Right away.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm friends with someone, who i'm incredibly impressed with how much she can get done, and makes me feel so lazy. She...(Won't be mentioning actual names) has a daughter, who by the way, is gorgeous, and i can't stand how she's always so wonderfully happy...(makes you just smile and think of all the things you should be grateful for) and she is Special needs. Special needs, medically fragile, etc. So, therefore, she needs, quite a few medical procedures done. And, this woman is a preschool teacher, to around, 60 kids? (Is that right?) and, I know that of all the preschools in Utah, this one, has a hell of a woman supervising, and making lives hell, and there is a super strict curriculum, and everything, AND, she's married, so she has a husband she needs to give attention to, because let's not forget how much relationships actually take to work, and then, she also, has a house, she's selling, and honestly, when I'm trying to sell my CONTRACT to an apt, i get stressed, and then she's an incredible friend, blogging and FB'ing away, and keeping in touch,
AND, i can't even...begin to think how...stressed i'd be with all that on my plate. Can i just say, God gives us...as much as we can handle, and he's right there beside us, helping us through it. We may not think about it at times...but can you believe how much we've been through, and made it? he's probably the one to thank about that. holy shit there is so much where i'm like, oh, this is it, this is what's going take me away from this earth...and then, miraculously, i make it. I can't tell you how many times i try and thank God, but i know it's just enough to be doing good deeds, and making the world go round.
Which, by the way, THANK YOU GOD, for helping me FINALLY find a car?
Love it. Wish it was like, black, silver, or even...red for that matter, but it's this, tacky yellow gold. Oh well, good thing the thing runs, well, and we brought the seller down, $700! So...we're awesome. :)
AND, I've ordered business cards! WOOO! Go me!
Thats enough for tonight...gotta get editing pictures. :)))
Anyway, my point is, I intend good things....sometimes, I just can't get to it Right away.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm friends with someone, who i'm incredibly impressed with how much she can get done, and makes me feel so lazy. She...(Won't be mentioning actual names) has a daughter, who by the way, is gorgeous, and i can't stand how she's always so wonderfully happy...(makes you just smile and think of all the things you should be grateful for) and she is Special needs. Special needs, medically fragile, etc. So, therefore, she needs, quite a few medical procedures done. And, this woman is a preschool teacher, to around, 60 kids? (Is that right?) and, I know that of all the preschools in Utah, this one, has a hell of a woman supervising, and making lives hell, and there is a super strict curriculum, and everything, AND, she's married, so she has a husband she needs to give attention to, because let's not forget how much relationships actually take to work, and then, she also, has a house, she's selling, and honestly, when I'm trying to sell my CONTRACT to an apt, i get stressed, and then she's an incredible friend, blogging and FB'ing away, and keeping in touch,
AND, i can't even...begin to think how...stressed i'd be with all that on my plate. Can i just say, God gives us...as much as we can handle, and he's right there beside us, helping us through it. We may not think about it at times...but can you believe how much we've been through, and made it? he's probably the one to thank about that. holy shit there is so much where i'm like, oh, this is it, this is what's going take me away from this earth...and then, miraculously, i make it. I can't tell you how many times i try and thank God, but i know it's just enough to be doing good deeds, and making the world go round.
Which, by the way, THANK YOU GOD, for helping me FINALLY find a car?
AND, I've ordered business cards! WOOO! Go me!
Thats enough for tonight...gotta get editing pictures. :)))
Saturday, April 9, 2011
"I'm not a bad man, i'm just not a lucky man"
I was watching winn dixie today. That was the cutest movie. I loved this quote. When the character, named Otis, was talking about how he ended up in jell. made me wonder, about all the things, i would have said that about, naming the things i've done in life that have been bad choices.
On a happier note. XANDER cut his first sharp tooth today! Well...Probably last night/this morning, he took my finger, and tried to stick it in his mouth like he always likes to, and he kinda...hurt today. Lol. First sign of a tooth, when the gum that usually chews and doesn't hurt, HURTS. But, the poor boy had a hard time last night, with the MIL so i'm thinking, that's probably why. I can't get a good picture of it. :(((( Everytime i pull his lip down to look at it, he puts his tongue out like he's hiding it....or trying to lick me. He's also getting the hang of turning away everytime my camera comes out. Smart punk. :) i need to get him a onesie that says that. It'd be cute, and honest.
talk more later! Laptop battery is done and my charger is across the room, and xander is on me sleeping his first nap of the day off and it's 7pm. There is NO way i'm getting up to wake that boy up. Lol.
Love! Gabi.
On a happier note. XANDER cut his first sharp tooth today! Well...Probably last night/this morning, he took my finger, and tried to stick it in his mouth like he always likes to, and he kinda...hurt today. Lol. First sign of a tooth, when the gum that usually chews and doesn't hurt, HURTS. But, the poor boy had a hard time last night, with the MIL so i'm thinking, that's probably why. I can't get a good picture of it. :(((( Everytime i pull his lip down to look at it, he puts his tongue out like he's hiding it....or trying to lick me. He's also getting the hang of turning away everytime my camera comes out. Smart punk. :) i need to get him a onesie that says that. It'd be cute, and honest.
talk more later! Laptop battery is done and my charger is across the room, and xander is on me sleeping his first nap of the day off and it's 7pm. There is NO way i'm getting up to wake that boy up. Lol.
Love! Gabi.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Oh my hell!!!
WHY is car buying such a pain in the ass??????
Part of it is i'm super picky. The other part?... People aren't %100 HONEST!
Totally want an SUV.
So....a lot is going on right now.
Sold my car
Trying to buy a new one
AT THE SAME TIME, i'm trying to get going on my photography
and i'm taking care of a 5 month old.
and McCords birthday is this weekend, so i've invited a few friends as a surprise for him, to Rodizio Grill on Saturday.
AND i still have a normal/boring job where i come home with scratches, and also bruises on the rare occasion.
AND i still TRY my hardest to maintain a social life.
Hopefully Annie will go see Black swan with me sunday. :)
OMG! Can anyone say......BUSY SCHEDULE!?
Trying to get some work this summer in a photography studio for more experience! :) I'm so excited.
Hopefully everything works out to my happiness.
Part of it is i'm super picky. The other part?... People aren't %100 HONEST!
Totally want an SUV.
So....a lot is going on right now.
Sold my car
Trying to buy a new one
AT THE SAME TIME, i'm trying to get going on my photography
and i'm taking care of a 5 month old.
and McCords birthday is this weekend, so i've invited a few friends as a surprise for him, to Rodizio Grill on Saturday.
AND i still have a normal/boring job where i come home with scratches, and also bruises on the rare occasion.
AND i still TRY my hardest to maintain a social life.
Hopefully Annie will go see Black swan with me sunday. :)
OMG! Can anyone say......BUSY SCHEDULE!?
Trying to get some work this summer in a photography studio for more experience! :) I'm so excited.
Hopefully everything works out to my happiness.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
FYI
THE Post below this is HONESTLY, NOT for the soft hearted. Please, keep in mind, I don't detail horrible things, but i do explain as best I can. Or in other words, the post, is honestly super PG18. Not R rated..per se..but yeah.
The lessons you learn on your own, are the ones you keep throughout life.
The quote above, is one I said to a friend. A very good friend. I have very few friends I truly care about. He is one of them. He will always be a very good friend to me.
Now, on to my feelings. Since, this is honestly the ONLY place I really...let them out.
How come I can help and talk to anyone when they need it, but when it comes to my feelings...I clam up.
Sometimes I wonder why McCord can deal with my anger. I tend to get angry almost before any other emotion. As, most of you may know. But almost, every time, I feel like I can justify my anger. Then...there are times, right after the justification, that I feel awful. I feel...like, what has anyone done to me? Why am I like this? Why am I so mean to everyone I care about most?
I've decided....my feelings, need to be let out. I wish, I could just write a book. I wish, i had that motivation. to express, why i'm always, so angry. To ask, anyone and everyone who gets the sharp end of my knife, to please forgive me. And, understand, I don't mean to be unkind. I mean to really be loving. I just don't quite know how to show it.
Hopefully, i can get thru this entire post. I want to explain, why I think anger is my number 1 emotion. I feel...like, maybe, it's because, i've never fully come to realization, that not everyone on this planet, is the same. Deep down I know that. But it's just hard for me to accept it. Not everyone, wants to hurt me. I will someday, accept that.
Here's the base, of all my deep troubles.
I don't remember anything, before my 8th birthday. I have 1 memory of something that happened in what I believe is kindergarden, and something else, that I believe, MAY be a memory that I myself created.
But, because, when I was 8 years old. Something, that if anyone ever did to my beautiful baby boy, I would die. I would just hurt so bad inside, that my life..would not be a happy journey after that. I would vow to kill, and yes, I do mean KILL, anyone that did that to him.
When, I was 8 years old, my sexual abuse started. Some man, thought it right to be able work out any and all sexual fantasies, with me, and his neice. I don't remember his name. I don't know that I ever knew it. But...he is the one that it began with.
After the 1st time, i felt so...horrible, so guilty, for everything, I hid it. From anyone that it could have mattered to. My parents, the police...everyone. No one knew a thing. But..after that...it didn't stop, until i was around 14 years old.
I never..NEVER, told my mom or my dad a word. I still, won't talk to them, I don't even know if they know anything about it. I honestly, don't know anyone if anyone knows any of the details.
To this day, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's my fault, I feel like i deserved abuse for 6 years....i feel like, those 6 years....were something that I should never forgive myself for. And I hate myself for it.
I can't stand, knowing, that somewhere inside me, I need to hate that man, who started it. Or, every other man, after that. But I honestly..don't. I hate myself.
It's so hard. I can't do therapy. Once someone gets to know me, I clam up. I start to hate them. I start to hate that they know what's wrong with me. That they know what I can do to forgive myself, for when I was 8, to respect my elders, and let them tell me what to do. I begin, to lie..to everyone, to myself, the therapist, everyone. Then...it's pointless. I want to be healed. I do. I just can't stand the process, of rehashing everything and then, working through it.
You know, everytime I cry, I hate myself for it. I don't know, if McCord, in our 2.5 years of marriage, has seen me cry more than 5 times. MAX.
What could possibly be so hard about knowing that I'M really, not supposed to be at fault?
The many men, that abused me, that knew better, blame should really be on them.
But seeing as i'm actually really hard to get to know, at age 14.. when My mom looked at me, and said, this is for you, (blaming it on me) as she tried to commit suicide....that was the moment, that changed me for the better. That was the moment, my life turned around. I was placed in foster care, when the police came, and decided, she was to go to the mental hospital. Then when she got out, my brothers, were able to go back. I was not. And, that's because, of all her mental disabilities, that caused her to not be able to parent me, I was an awful child. I thought everything she was doing, was wrong, and that I wanted a better life. I was a very, driven child. Very stubborn. So, i made life hard, for the both of us.
But once i was placed into foster care, I didn't want anyone to get close to me. after the 1st 2 homes, they decided, my lifestyle, my ways, were to be better helped, in a structured home. That's the difference between, a normal home, where one can live like a family, and love and the kids follow rules, and the parents love them...you know, an Easy home, and where I lived. Me. I was placed in a home, where I was to be monitored 24/7, and therapy, was REQUIRED, and I was placed, in an alternative high school. You know the kind, Where only Pregnant girls and druggies go. Yes, I had to be there. There began the teenage stage of provocative, aggressive awkward yet trying to fit in times began.
What also began, was, my foster mom, at the time, (Let's call her Emily) , told me, she could tell I had been abused. For the 1st time, someone knew, what had happened. And, someone told someone else....and someone else, asked me, if they could do a full report. I again, am not an open person. Not about that. Not....details. I can't do it. But, she knew. She tried to get me to talk about it. So, what did i do? I ruined, the best home for me. I will never forgive myself for that. Even now, I can tell, she will not talk to me the way she used to. For the first time, in my 3rd home, that I had felt loved, I screwed it up. So i became, evil, and then I was forced out of the home. Forced out because I had to be moved Immediately, and it was my fault. Basically, I complained and complained about how hard she was on me, and then, when I start to warm up to the family and everything, then I get told i'm being moved. That was actually really hard on me. PLUS, i moved to a home, an hour away, so my boyfriend, and school, and everything, i never got to say goodbye...nothing. I'm just told to pack, I did it in what, 20 min? And then i'm on my way...to a town, where cows overrun people...and the population, is only 250...MAX.
So then, I have to start in my 4th high school...which starts at Spanish fork high, a good, 40 min away from home. But i'm not mainstreamed, I'm alternative. so...i'm doing packets with all the preggos, and the brats, and the guys who are just....well, Guys..
So, after a while, i'm told, that this high school, is not the place. So, i end up getting transferred to Payson high.
So to sum it all up, Sexual abuse, never fitting into a family, whether it's my fault, or theirs, never fitting into a school, because i'm moved too often, and then being a Parentified, provocative, bully type teenager, is honestly, probably why i'm so angry still all the time. I haven't had the proper outlet of anger, and i need to have one. I don't know if this will help...since it's me typing it out, and not working it out...but I can try.
If anyone has any...advice...minus therapy..i'd love it. What can i do to let these feelings go? Why are they still there after all those years? I'm happy...truly, i am...i just..have depression, and a bunch of other crap to go along with it, and in my most down moments, i get scary. I STILL get self destructive like i used to be. I STILL get violent, and I still hold it all in. I may not act on those, but i still feel those things. trust me, i let things out in weird ways...so i don't get violent with my family..or...actually hurt myself....That i haven't done for a few years. But the feelings...they're still there. UGh!
Help?
Now, on to my feelings. Since, this is honestly the ONLY place I really...let them out.
How come I can help and talk to anyone when they need it, but when it comes to my feelings...I clam up.
Sometimes I wonder why McCord can deal with my anger. I tend to get angry almost before any other emotion. As, most of you may know. But almost, every time, I feel like I can justify my anger. Then...there are times, right after the justification, that I feel awful. I feel...like, what has anyone done to me? Why am I like this? Why am I so mean to everyone I care about most?
I've decided....my feelings, need to be let out. I wish, I could just write a book. I wish, i had that motivation. to express, why i'm always, so angry. To ask, anyone and everyone who gets the sharp end of my knife, to please forgive me. And, understand, I don't mean to be unkind. I mean to really be loving. I just don't quite know how to show it.
Hopefully, i can get thru this entire post. I want to explain, why I think anger is my number 1 emotion. I feel...like, maybe, it's because, i've never fully come to realization, that not everyone on this planet, is the same. Deep down I know that. But it's just hard for me to accept it. Not everyone, wants to hurt me. I will someday, accept that.
Here's the base, of all my deep troubles.
I don't remember anything, before my 8th birthday. I have 1 memory of something that happened in what I believe is kindergarden, and something else, that I believe, MAY be a memory that I myself created.
But, because, when I was 8 years old. Something, that if anyone ever did to my beautiful baby boy, I would die. I would just hurt so bad inside, that my life..would not be a happy journey after that. I would vow to kill, and yes, I do mean KILL, anyone that did that to him.
When, I was 8 years old, my sexual abuse started. Some man, thought it right to be able work out any and all sexual fantasies, with me, and his neice. I don't remember his name. I don't know that I ever knew it. But...he is the one that it began with.
After the 1st time, i felt so...horrible, so guilty, for everything, I hid it. From anyone that it could have mattered to. My parents, the police...everyone. No one knew a thing. But..after that...it didn't stop, until i was around 14 years old.
I never..NEVER, told my mom or my dad a word. I still, won't talk to them, I don't even know if they know anything about it. I honestly, don't know anyone if anyone knows any of the details.
To this day, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's my fault, I feel like i deserved abuse for 6 years....i feel like, those 6 years....were something that I should never forgive myself for. And I hate myself for it.
I can't stand, knowing, that somewhere inside me, I need to hate that man, who started it. Or, every other man, after that. But I honestly..don't. I hate myself.
It's so hard. I can't do therapy. Once someone gets to know me, I clam up. I start to hate them. I start to hate that they know what's wrong with me. That they know what I can do to forgive myself, for when I was 8, to respect my elders, and let them tell me what to do. I begin, to lie..to everyone, to myself, the therapist, everyone. Then...it's pointless. I want to be healed. I do. I just can't stand the process, of rehashing everything and then, working through it.
You know, everytime I cry, I hate myself for it. I don't know, if McCord, in our 2.5 years of marriage, has seen me cry more than 5 times. MAX.
What could possibly be so hard about knowing that I'M really, not supposed to be at fault?
The many men, that abused me, that knew better, blame should really be on them.
But seeing as i'm actually really hard to get to know, at age 14.. when My mom looked at me, and said, this is for you, (blaming it on me) as she tried to commit suicide....that was the moment, that changed me for the better. That was the moment, my life turned around. I was placed in foster care, when the police came, and decided, she was to go to the mental hospital. Then when she got out, my brothers, were able to go back. I was not. And, that's because, of all her mental disabilities, that caused her to not be able to parent me, I was an awful child. I thought everything she was doing, was wrong, and that I wanted a better life. I was a very, driven child. Very stubborn. So, i made life hard, for the both of us.
But once i was placed into foster care, I didn't want anyone to get close to me. after the 1st 2 homes, they decided, my lifestyle, my ways, were to be better helped, in a structured home. That's the difference between, a normal home, where one can live like a family, and love and the kids follow rules, and the parents love them...you know, an Easy home, and where I lived. Me. I was placed in a home, where I was to be monitored 24/7, and therapy, was REQUIRED, and I was placed, in an alternative high school. You know the kind, Where only Pregnant girls and druggies go. Yes, I had to be there. There began the teenage stage of provocative, aggressive awkward yet trying to fit in times began.
What also began, was, my foster mom, at the time, (Let's call her Emily) , told me, she could tell I had been abused. For the 1st time, someone knew, what had happened. And, someone told someone else....and someone else, asked me, if they could do a full report. I again, am not an open person. Not about that. Not....details. I can't do it. But, she knew. She tried to get me to talk about it. So, what did i do? I ruined, the best home for me. I will never forgive myself for that. Even now, I can tell, she will not talk to me the way she used to. For the first time, in my 3rd home, that I had felt loved, I screwed it up. So i became, evil, and then I was forced out of the home. Forced out because I had to be moved Immediately, and it was my fault. Basically, I complained and complained about how hard she was on me, and then, when I start to warm up to the family and everything, then I get told i'm being moved. That was actually really hard on me. PLUS, i moved to a home, an hour away, so my boyfriend, and school, and everything, i never got to say goodbye...nothing. I'm just told to pack, I did it in what, 20 min? And then i'm on my way...to a town, where cows overrun people...and the population, is only 250...MAX.
So then, I have to start in my 4th high school...which starts at Spanish fork high, a good, 40 min away from home. But i'm not mainstreamed, I'm alternative. so...i'm doing packets with all the preggos, and the brats, and the guys who are just....well, Guys..
So, after a while, i'm told, that this high school, is not the place. So, i end up getting transferred to Payson high.
So to sum it all up, Sexual abuse, never fitting into a family, whether it's my fault, or theirs, never fitting into a school, because i'm moved too often, and then being a Parentified, provocative, bully type teenager, is honestly, probably why i'm so angry still all the time. I haven't had the proper outlet of anger, and i need to have one. I don't know if this will help...since it's me typing it out, and not working it out...but I can try.
If anyone has any...advice...minus therapy..i'd love it. What can i do to let these feelings go? Why are they still there after all those years? I'm happy...truly, i am...i just..have depression, and a bunch of other crap to go along with it, and in my most down moments, i get scary. I STILL get self destructive like i used to be. I STILL get violent, and I still hold it all in. I may not act on those, but i still feel those things. trust me, i let things out in weird ways...so i don't get violent with my family..or...actually hurt myself....That i haven't done for a few years. But the feelings...they're still there. UGh!
Help?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
List of things to do
1- Not feel so bored.
2-Take a few photography classes. I have this thing, to where I limit myself to what I do in order to limit what I fail.
3- Be a better friend. I can't blame it on Xander, but I am very good at coming up with excuses to not see friends, or have to socialize. I'm officially, and awful friend.
4- Buy a car
5-Go to festival of colors Saturday.
6- Stop procrastinating, and get those back drops made with Beth so I can have in my home photo sessions.
7-Buy Cordo like 10 more presents for his 21 days of presents until his 21st birthday. I'm getting low.
8-Shutterfly Photo book of Xander. It really doesn't take that long...i'm just procrastinating.
9-Remember those bills? PAY THEM!
10-STOP SHOPPING! Seriously...money doesn't grow on trees.
11- Plan trip to Dallas.
12- Feel Happier. For some reason, i'm not feeling it today. I feel..sad. For no reason. *SIGH* Depression rocks.
13-Make a list of things to do.
2-Take a few photography classes. I have this thing, to where I limit myself to what I do in order to limit what I fail.
3- Be a better friend. I can't blame it on Xander, but I am very good at coming up with excuses to not see friends, or have to socialize. I'm officially, and awful friend.
4- Buy a car
5-Go to festival of colors Saturday.
6- Stop procrastinating, and get those back drops made with Beth so I can have in my home photo sessions.
7-Buy Cordo like 10 more presents for his 21 days of presents until his 21st birthday. I'm getting low.
8-Shutterfly Photo book of Xander. It really doesn't take that long...i'm just procrastinating.
9-Remember those bills? PAY THEM!
10-STOP SHOPPING! Seriously...money doesn't grow on trees.
11- Plan trip to Dallas.
12- Feel Happier. For some reason, i'm not feeling it today. I feel..sad. For no reason. *SIGH* Depression rocks.
13-
Sunday, March 13, 2011
YAY!
I got me a camera! I got me a camera, AND a Lens! Oh, 1 more thing. I got me a camera, and a lens, and an extra 75-300 mm lens! Oh man, totally makes my day. :))) So....since i got that...i've had a few people ask me to take their pictures. The teacher that I work with, Crystal, even suggested me to one of her friends, and I am doing her Graduation pictures. :) Can't wait! Now...i just need to get better with photoshop, and editing, and i'll be golden. :) I've figured out a few things, i just need to perfect it.
McCord is making me breakfast.
Xander is sleeping.
I'm still in bed.
What a great morning. HAHA..i'm rambling. Nice.
Okay, anyway, so, Xander has started with eating cereal. And let me tell you, i wasn't so sure with the giving him baths thing, and i wasn't so sure with feeding him, and now i actually do like it. It's fun to watch him figure things out, and we are both learning as time goes. We took lots of pictures as I fed him, but they're on my laptop, and my laptop is currently out of order. Both the chargers i had for it, Died. That's right...died. Awesome huh. OH, and get this....THE SAME DAY! UGh. totally lame.
Oh, i'm still looking for a job, just not half as hard as i was before since now i'm basically okay with my job, and the people there. I work with Crystal, as i mentioned before, and a guy named Mike. He's actually pretty cool. Very savvy...and bigger, so i can coward behind when one of our kids (Yes i know they're my age technically )goes haywire.
We got xanders pictures done Last friday, and the girl i guess is still editing or whatnot, so i'm excited to see them. I guess i could have tried setting the self timer on mine and we could have done it...i didn't think about that until just barely. Oh, i took Mateos pictures... Some of them. I think this one is my fav.
You can see the rest here. I haven't edited them all yet. FYI. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002152039271
I also created a facebook page for Gabography. I'm thinking this summer i'm going to take some computer design and photography classes since i know what i want to go into now, it'll make going to school much more motivating. I was going to go into special ed...but then a couple people helped me decide i don't want any part in being underneath a principal, and being limited to having to teach curriculum. So, Photography, granted I can get a loyal and good client list, should be good. :) Which, FYI, Right now, while i'm trying to build a portfolio, i'll be doing free pictures for people that are willing.
In a few days, when my charger gets here.. (It's been ordered since my laptop is still under warranty. Thank god.)I'll upload pictures of my beautiful son, and his eating for the first time.
I promise i'll try and keep up on this more!
McCord is making me breakfast.
Xander is sleeping.
I'm still in bed.
What a great morning. HAHA..i'm rambling. Nice.
Okay, anyway, so, Xander has started with eating cereal. And let me tell you, i wasn't so sure with the giving him baths thing, and i wasn't so sure with feeding him, and now i actually do like it. It's fun to watch him figure things out, and we are both learning as time goes. We took lots of pictures as I fed him, but they're on my laptop, and my laptop is currently out of order. Both the chargers i had for it, Died. That's right...died. Awesome huh. OH, and get this....THE SAME DAY! UGh. totally lame.
Oh, i'm still looking for a job, just not half as hard as i was before since now i'm basically okay with my job, and the people there. I work with Crystal, as i mentioned before, and a guy named Mike. He's actually pretty cool. Very savvy...and bigger, so i can coward behind when one of our kids (Yes i know they're my age technically )goes haywire.
We got xanders pictures done Last friday, and the girl i guess is still editing or whatnot, so i'm excited to see them. I guess i could have tried setting the self timer on mine and we could have done it...i didn't think about that until just barely. Oh, i took Mateos pictures... Some of them. I think this one is my fav.You can see the rest here. I haven't edited them all yet. FYI. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002152039271
I also created a facebook page for Gabography. I'm thinking this summer i'm going to take some computer design and photography classes since i know what i want to go into now, it'll make going to school much more motivating. I was going to go into special ed...but then a couple people helped me decide i don't want any part in being underneath a principal, and being limited to having to teach curriculum. So, Photography, granted I can get a loyal and good client list, should be good. :) Which, FYI, Right now, while i'm trying to build a portfolio, i'll be doing free pictures for people that are willing.
In a few days, when my charger gets here.. (It's been ordered since my laptop is still under warranty. Thank god.)I'll upload pictures of my beautiful son, and his eating for the first time.
I promise i'll try and keep up on this more!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My new life.
I'm getting the hang of this. Being a mom...with a new job, it's going great. I've decided, I don't necessarily like the age group (or kids) i work with, but the teacher, and the other aide, make it a little fun. I haven't wanted to admit it, because I just really miss everyone, from preschool, from PEEP... but it's not a terrible place. Lunch breaks could be longer. It's kinda hard to go to work 5 days a week, and then pump for 15-20 min, and have 10 min to eat, and whatnot. I liked being able to go and get me food from wherever.
Now, here's my drama of the week. I have this buddy. I've known since, I think Junior year in high school at LEAST, and I was chatting with him, and said, Oh i'll show you "this" we can go together. His response? That would be inappropriate. I'm like, what? He's like, Well, it's different now because you're married. I was so hurt, that I ended up just getting off and being so sad for the rest of the night. McCord and I talked about it, and he said, I wonder if he is just thinking of me (McCord) and making sure he's not trying to offend me. I didn't care. My thought was, it's not worth it to hang out with me because i'm not Available?! I couldn't believe it. So, I got on FB 2 days later, and so did he. He asked me, "Did I upset you?" And I proceeded to tell him all the things i've had time to think about why this hurt me so much. He told me, over and over again, he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to hurt me. His one thing that drove me crazy, was, he said, "What if people thought something?" My response? You care too much about what other people think. I told him it's not fair for him to care of what other people think about. ESPECIALLY, if you have no relationship with them. Then what's the point in caring what they think?
So, that's my story. Here's my question. Do you ever not do something because of what Other people may think? Who's it hurting? I may be open, and tell you that it hurts my feelings/pisses me off, but others might not. Be honest. That's the least you can do. I'm sure I do something like this too, but I haven't thought of it.
So, McCord never reads my blog, so i'm safe. BUT, I need ideas for his 21st birthday. I have always wanted to surprise him with a trip. But he's so flippen picky, I have no idea what i'd do. :( Any ideas? Doesn't even have to be a trip. I'd just like something fun, and memorable! He always does nice things for me and i always flop on his B-day. :( His Birthday is April 2nd btw.
Oh, another question. Has anyone ever like, had their baby, and then realized how much they're criticized? Oh my hell it drives me crazy! I'm actually, pulling away from people now, that criticize and i'm just not seeing some of my friends half as much. It's just...i hate it! Well, and I have this overwhelming feeling, that if i don't trust you, i hate that you want to hold my child. I'm not naming names. But, some people, keep holding my child, and i just...it's not even a Can i? it's a oh, come here...to Xander. So they're not asking permission, (which i love when you do) they're grabbing and holding, and i'm too nice to kick your ass. Ugh. I know i know, rude. I don't care. Sometimes, i don't care when i'm rude.
Oh, my wii, freaking said i was 20 lbs less, than before i got prego. That's right, that's a number to be proud of right?
Well then it said Xander was 20 lbs. :(
Broke my heart a little to know it wasn't accurate.
That's all for now. TTYL! Also, Annie, I hate you for not commenting. Thanks to Alisha, for ALWAYS commenting. Mwuauauhahahahah
Anyway, Xander, is doing great.Here's him in the bath. He totally has a ball. He loves it.
Sad! I can't upload the video. Let me or Alisha, figure this out!
Therefore, i have a little fun giving them to him. I like to watch him play. :)Now, here's my drama of the week. I have this buddy. I've known since, I think Junior year in high school at LEAST, and I was chatting with him, and said, Oh i'll show you "this" we can go together. His response? That would be inappropriate. I'm like, what? He's like, Well, it's different now because you're married. I was so hurt, that I ended up just getting off and being so sad for the rest of the night. McCord and I talked about it, and he said, I wonder if he is just thinking of me (McCord) and making sure he's not trying to offend me. I didn't care. My thought was, it's not worth it to hang out with me because i'm not Available?! I couldn't believe it. So, I got on FB 2 days later, and so did he. He asked me, "Did I upset you?" And I proceeded to tell him all the things i've had time to think about why this hurt me so much. He told me, over and over again, he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to hurt me. His one thing that drove me crazy, was, he said, "What if people thought something?" My response? You care too much about what other people think. I told him it's not fair for him to care of what other people think about. ESPECIALLY, if you have no relationship with them. Then what's the point in caring what they think?
So, that's my story. Here's my question. Do you ever not do something because of what Other people may think? Who's it hurting? I may be open, and tell you that it hurts my feelings/pisses me off, but others might not. Be honest. That's the least you can do. I'm sure I do something like this too, but I haven't thought of it.
So, McCord never reads my blog, so i'm safe. BUT, I need ideas for his 21st birthday. I have always wanted to surprise him with a trip. But he's so flippen picky, I have no idea what i'd do. :( Any ideas? Doesn't even have to be a trip. I'd just like something fun, and memorable! He always does nice things for me and i always flop on his B-day. :( His Birthday is April 2nd btw.
Oh, another question. Has anyone ever like, had their baby, and then realized how much they're criticized? Oh my hell it drives me crazy! I'm actually, pulling away from people now, that criticize and i'm just not seeing some of my friends half as much. It's just...i hate it! Well, and I have this overwhelming feeling, that if i don't trust you, i hate that you want to hold my child. I'm not naming names. But, some people, keep holding my child, and i just...it's not even a Can i? it's a oh, come here...to Xander. So they're not asking permission, (which i love when you do) they're grabbing and holding, and i'm too nice to kick your ass. Ugh. I know i know, rude. I don't care. Sometimes, i don't care when i'm rude.
Oh, my wii, freaking said i was 20 lbs less, than before i got prego. That's right, that's a number to be proud of right?
Well then it said Xander was 20 lbs. :(
Broke my heart a little to know it wasn't accurate.
That's all for now. TTYL! Also, Annie, I hate you for not commenting. Thanks to Alisha, for ALWAYS commenting. Mwuauauhahahahah
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Little things to say about Xander
Xanders doing so many new things lately, that it's just...a mixture between a sad and happy time. I really want him to stop growing so fast, because i really enjoy this baby stage, and i know that before i know it, he'll be ready to go to school...etc. So, it's exciting in a sense, to watch my baby grow, but sad that it's happening so fast.
One little thing Xander is starting to smile when crying. Let me clarify. He will cry, and i'll do something to make him happy again...like, play with his feet, and he'll smile, i can tell it makes him happy, but then, he'll cry. it's like, he doesn't want to be happy, but he's trying so hard to cry. LOL. it's the cutest thing ever.
One little thing is Xander makes the most perfect pout when he cries. Sometimes, it's you know, his normal cry, and other times, he has this little face.
Now...i just want to clarify. I didn't make him cry for this picture. I don't make my child cry intentionally. He actually wants to be walked around with. So, what happened, was the 1st picture, i was holding him and sat down in the recliner, and that's the pout. Then, the 2nd time, i put him down on the bed and went and did something... and took a picture when i went back in to get him since he had started to cry.
Either way, no matter what my baby is doing, he's the cutest baby in the world to me.
One little thing... Xander is so funny about the car. He HATES being put into the carseat. BUT...he doesn't mind once i pick up the car seat, and we're moving. It's funny, i sit in the back with him, in case he needs help, and so i've looked at his car seat all the time. it doesn't look like it's moving much, but a little vibration. BUT, if we stop moving, and he's awake, usually he doesn't like that. As long as he's moving, he's good. It's kinda funny.
One little thing. I've noticed, his head is growing. he's getting a ring around his head, and the top of his head is going bald. So...hopefully he grows his hair in soon. he's getting a bumpy head. Which, everyone said he had the perfect little head. So i hope his head doesn't get too lumpy.
One little thing...I still hate you. You...mean woman. I really hate that you're in the position you're in. Seriously hope, that for other people's sakes, you're not in it long.
One little thing.. Xander laughed in his sleep, for the first time ever. It was the cutest noise, in the whole wide world. Made me tear up. i can't stand how cute my boy is. BTW...just for record, it was on 1/17/11.
:)
One little thing Xander is starting to smile when crying. Let me clarify. He will cry, and i'll do something to make him happy again...like, play with his feet, and he'll smile, i can tell it makes him happy, but then, he'll cry. it's like, he doesn't want to be happy, but he's trying so hard to cry. LOL. it's the cutest thing ever.
One little thing is Xander makes the most perfect pout when he cries. Sometimes, it's you know, his normal cry, and other times, he has this little face.
Usually leads into this. 
Either way, no matter what my baby is doing, he's the cutest baby in the world to me.
One little thing... Xander is so funny about the car. He HATES being put into the carseat. BUT...he doesn't mind once i pick up the car seat, and we're moving. It's funny, i sit in the back with him, in case he needs help, and so i've looked at his car seat all the time. it doesn't look like it's moving much, but a little vibration. BUT, if we stop moving, and he's awake, usually he doesn't like that. As long as he's moving, he's good. It's kinda funny.
One little thing. I've noticed, his head is growing. he's getting a ring around his head, and the top of his head is going bald. So...hopefully he grows his hair in soon. he's getting a bumpy head. Which, everyone said he had the perfect little head. So i hope his head doesn't get too lumpy.
One little thing...I still hate you. You...mean woman. I really hate that you're in the position you're in. Seriously hope, that for other people's sakes, you're not in it long.
One little thing.. Xander laughed in his sleep, for the first time ever. It was the cutest noise, in the whole wide world. Made me tear up. i can't stand how cute my boy is. BTW...just for record, it was on 1/17/11.
:)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
ANNIE!
Annie has pretty much been one of my best friends, since...maybe the 2nd week we worked together. I just love her guts. I can't stand how funny she is, and how we are always sarcastic together and how she always gets my lame jokes. I love how clumsy, and spacey she is, totally makes who she is. She's the best person i know. I want her to know, i didn't forget about her. I actually, deleted her, on accident. If anything, you're number 1. I miss working with you, and i hope we do soon. I love you annie!
The Momens and Actions that define Where we go in life.
Here's an update. My life, has taken a dramatic turn. Everything was going so great, then, Xander came out into the world. Don't read that wrong. I love him so much, i'd do anything for him, and he isn't a regret whatsoever. It's just that after he was born, things seemed to go down. 1st, my job at crest, somehow, wasn't secure. I wasn't scheduled anymore. So, i lost a job. I'm still technically on the payroll, but, i have no shifts. What the hell is that. 2nd, When i came back to work, the teacher in the morning, decided, she'd make my life a living hell. Thanks. there are so many things i want to say, and it just..kills me, that she's in the position she's in. Well, that's my ranting. Here's me moving on.
I'm starting another job in the district, and it's going to be with Pam. I'll update when i find out, exactly what the job is. I have an idea..but you know. I'd like more details. :) Anyway, so we're going to see how that goes. If, it comes out to be, that i hate this job, i'll continue my search for another job. I have a couple leads on jobs, and i'll get to those, if i hate this job. However, if i like it, so be it.
So, I'd really like to keep track of a couple things. The people i've been able to trust and talk to during this whole ordeal, have really showed me that, I'm cared about. And thank goodness for that. I can't stand wondering if people care. And all along, i've cared about these people as well. BUT, i have a thing with emotions, i don't always show them. well, a few of you have had the opportunity to see, they've been showing quite often lately. Which is fine. I really should work on expressing more emotions. Well, expressing more than just anger, which, i think i'm doing a good job at. The last few months of my pregnancy up to now, i've done good.
Now, onto the people that have helped me so much in the last 2 or so months.
Pamela Colson. You're always there, with honest advice. thanks so much!
Alisha Peters. You're such a great woman, and I love talking to you!
Beth Hardman. Best..Landlord...EVER! Seriously. Love being able to get close to you and your family.
Kris Handrahan. We've known each other for years, and have just barely started to talk and get to know each other. I love it. I think you're one of the sweetest women ever.
Raquel. Come to think of it. I don't think i know your last name. But, you're such a nice woman, and so great to talk to. I loved working with you.
Brenda hanks. You're the best. I hope you and I can get to know each other better,because boy do i enjoy your company!
Mccord. Oh man. he deals with the brute of it. he comes home, and is nothing but the best husband. He always listens to me, and is by my side. I'm so grateful for him.
If i haven't mentioned you, i'm probably just spacing it. I'm grateful for everyone who listens to me babble :)
Now...on to eat some banana bread.
I'm starting another job in the district, and it's going to be with Pam. I'll update when i find out, exactly what the job is. I have an idea..but you know. I'd like more details. :) Anyway, so we're going to see how that goes. If, it comes out to be, that i hate this job, i'll continue my search for another job. I have a couple leads on jobs, and i'll get to those, if i hate this job. However, if i like it, so be it.
So, I'd really like to keep track of a couple things. The people i've been able to trust and talk to during this whole ordeal, have really showed me that, I'm cared about. And thank goodness for that. I can't stand wondering if people care. And all along, i've cared about these people as well. BUT, i have a thing with emotions, i don't always show them. well, a few of you have had the opportunity to see, they've been showing quite often lately. Which is fine. I really should work on expressing more emotions. Well, expressing more than just anger, which, i think i'm doing a good job at. The last few months of my pregnancy up to now, i've done good.
Now, onto the people that have helped me so much in the last 2 or so months.
Pamela Colson. You're always there, with honest advice. thanks so much!
Alisha Peters. You're such a great woman, and I love talking to you!
Beth Hardman. Best..Landlord...EVER! Seriously. Love being able to get close to you and your family.
Kris Handrahan. We've known each other for years, and have just barely started to talk and get to know each other. I love it. I think you're one of the sweetest women ever.
Raquel. Come to think of it. I don't think i know your last name. But, you're such a nice woman, and so great to talk to. I loved working with you.
Brenda hanks. You're the best. I hope you and I can get to know each other better,because boy do i enjoy your company!
Mccord. Oh man. he deals with the brute of it. he comes home, and is nothing but the best husband. He always listens to me, and is by my side. I'm so grateful for him.
If i haven't mentioned you, i'm probably just spacing it. I'm grateful for everyone who listens to me babble :)
Now...on to eat some banana bread.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Little quick bit
Just realized i gotta post some stuff. I'm sure people get sick of reading how many FB status's i can post in a day, so, i'll post a few here, and hopefully get it outta my system.
#1-I just realized, about...an hour ago. I don't eat very much anymore. I totally don't get as hungry as i did when i was pregnant, and now i literally FORGET to eat. I need to eat if i'm breastfeeding, but sometimes, i just totally space it! Sad huh.
#2- I don't pee half as much as i used to! We're using less toilet paper as a result, and i'm super excited to be saving that money!
#3-We went grocery shopping today..spent 88 dollars. That's right....that's IT! Hopefully the hole me not being as hungry was a contributer..so i'm glad! We saved money not having a pregnant shopper!
#4-I've been in baking mood lately. I have seriously made Peppermint bark maybe 3 times now? And, some cakes, 1 of which i completely ruined when putting the icing on top. But..it's quite fun! Any easy recipes people can throw to me? :)
#5-Xander....will not be put down very often. He loves to be walked around with. Which, can get sooo tiring. He for the past couple weeks, will choose a few days, to cry when he's tired, and so, the only thing that calms him, and us, is walking around in circles in our apt. And then, if he falls asleep, and we don't wait long enough to put him on his back...he wakes right the heck up. Sometimes, we have to let him fall asleep on his belly, and then put him on his back. Which, is the right way he's supposed to sleep, but again, he wakes up and SCREAMS til he's all shades of red, til he's back on his belly. Which brings me to number6.
#6- He has a bassinet. Does he like to sleep in it? NO. He likes to sleep with mom and dad. And i can't stand him crying. makes me feel all sorts of sadness. So..i let him sleep with us. Which, sometimes, i love it, other times, i just wish he'd sleep by himself. Makes me sleep lighter, to avoid crushing him, or letting him fall off the bed, which, i'm terrified will happen. I'm actually a pretty good sleeper. Will wake up to movement or sounds he makes, so i'm pretty sure it won't happen..but that thought is still in my head.
All done for now. If i think of more...i'll post another one.
#1-I just realized, about...an hour ago. I don't eat very much anymore. I totally don't get as hungry as i did when i was pregnant, and now i literally FORGET to eat. I need to eat if i'm breastfeeding, but sometimes, i just totally space it! Sad huh.
#2- I don't pee half as much as i used to! We're using less toilet paper as a result, and i'm super excited to be saving that money!
#3-We went grocery shopping today..spent 88 dollars. That's right....that's IT! Hopefully the hole me not being as hungry was a contributer..so i'm glad! We saved money not having a pregnant shopper!
#4-I've been in baking mood lately. I have seriously made Peppermint bark maybe 3 times now? And, some cakes, 1 of which i completely ruined when putting the icing on top. But..it's quite fun! Any easy recipes people can throw to me? :)
#5-Xander....will not be put down very often. He loves to be walked around with. Which, can get sooo tiring. He for the past couple weeks, will choose a few days, to cry when he's tired, and so, the only thing that calms him, and us, is walking around in circles in our apt. And then, if he falls asleep, and we don't wait long enough to put him on his back...he wakes right the heck up. Sometimes, we have to let him fall asleep on his belly, and then put him on his back. Which, is the right way he's supposed to sleep, but again, he wakes up and SCREAMS til he's all shades of red, til he's back on his belly. Which brings me to number6.
#6- He has a bassinet. Does he like to sleep in it? NO. He likes to sleep with mom and dad. And i can't stand him crying. makes me feel all sorts of sadness. So..i let him sleep with us. Which, sometimes, i love it, other times, i just wish he'd sleep by himself. Makes me sleep lighter, to avoid crushing him, or letting him fall off the bed, which, i'm terrified will happen. I'm actually a pretty good sleeper. Will wake up to movement or sounds he makes, so i'm pretty sure it won't happen..but that thought is still in my head.
All done for now. If i think of more...i'll post another one.
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