Scared to upload too many since my buddy Alisha said there's a limit on space on blog..but I've gotta putsome of my fave pics up.Thursday, December 30, 2010
Some pictures!
Scared to upload too many since my buddy Alisha said there's a limit on space on blog..but I've gotta putsome of my fave pics up.
Seriously?
Okay, so Xander is 2 months old now! I can't believe how fast it's gone. I'm worried he'll grow up, and i'll be sad it's gone by so fast. I want him to stay this little forever! But, since that's not realistic, i guess i'll spend as much time with him as possible. He's growing so much, he's 9 lbs and 15.5 oz now, and he's getting some rolls on his legs! His hands are getting chubby too. I think it's adorable. He is starting to just cry when he's tired. Beth told me to allow natural light in the apt when it's day time, to help get him on a schedule, so we try that as much as possible, but sometimes i just forget or we're so busy that i just don't do it. He's also into this thing where, he wants to be held, all the time. And sometimes, that's not enough. He wants to be walked around with, and if he's tired, he'll scream until we're walking around with him, until he's fallen asleep. That's probably the hardest part. Not wanting him to cry. So we try everything possible, to get him to stop, but i've come to terms with, he may just have to cry. So, a couple times, i've had to just lay him on the bed, wrap him so he's warm, and leave him alone. He isn't a fan of that..but he'll cry himself to sleep and for me, that's so...agonizing. But i'd rather do that then get super frustrated and do something i'll regret, whatever that may be. Another thing that drives me crazy, is he will not sleep on his back, about..75% of the time. And i can't tell you how many times i've been stressed, that that's the way for him to sleep. So..if i want him to sleep for more than half an hour, i have to either be holding him, so he's on his belly, but on my chest, or...put him on his side. I don't know how to fix that. :(
In a separate note. I'm looking for a new job. I've been searching online, and looking for hiring signs. Not....like, extreme, seeing as how i do have a job, but to the point to where i'm at least filling out an application every 3 days or so. That can be annoying, but i'm seriously considering a new job and if it pays more, make it permanent. If not...then just until the next school year depending on circumstances. I'm having a super hard time at the preschool and it's not getting better. I've suggested a move into a new class, and the principal didn't seem to think it was a good idea. So..if i don't move into this new classroom, or if the teacher doesn't give me a break..i may have a cow. I really don't think it's that bad of an idea. But, hence the job searching. A just in case type of thing.
Back to our family, McCord, is such a great dad. I can't believe how cute he is with his little boy. I knew he'd be a good dad, but he's even better than i thought. Watching those two together, it's just so sweet. I hope i'm a good mom. I never know. I put pictures and statuses on FB and usually i just get criticize. It hurts my feelings that people think having a child is an invitation to be criticized all the time. For me, i don't think i'd ever...EVER, criticize, unless the parent was doing something that was dangerous to the child's life. Drives me crazy. I usually delete whatever post that created that little itch in someone else to tell me what i'm doing wrong, but seriously, can't stand it even after it's gone. I totally don't mind advice, when I've asked for it. But, if i post a picture of my baby, and all you can see is what i'm doing wrong, i feel like you're mean. In which case, i'll probably just ignore you.
Enough ranting. let me explain my awesome Christmas!
#1. I feel like, when i was little, my mom would try her damnedest to give us kids the best christmas ever. So, when i was placed in foster care, and foster moms would ship you elsewhere to spend christmas with their family...it was ruined for me. I was actually pretty much a bah humbug until McCord came along. then, it was great again. Now..add Xander into the mix. It was sooo much fun!
Now, Xander will probably not remember this christmas, or the next 2 or 3. BUT!! I want to make them so much fun for our family. I want him to LOVE christmas.
This year, we wanted to spend all of christmas together. Since McCord had to work, I went down with him. Had me some free breakfast, and spent as much of his work shift, with him. Xander was with me, and pretty much kept me company til he was off work. Once he was off, we went down to his mom's house, and we all got ready to go to Levan, which is 45 min southwest of Payson. That's right, even more south than i'm used to. Anyway, we spent a good hour or so there, with his aunt and uncle, and their little girl, and his grandparents, and his mom and sister. Then, after we started to get a little hungry, we took off, to have dinner at his moms. We had a great dinner, and did Christmas with them too! Then, McCord and I took Xander home, and spent the evening chatting, going through presents, and cleaning up. It was perfect. Yes, i love getting presents. I don't care if it's something you hated and passed onto me, the thought is what gets me. You thought of me! I love it. ;) So, McCord, gave me a great Cross with cubic zirconia in the middle, and some earrings to match, and some peace sign earrings, and another heart necklace and the movie Eclipse. Perfect? Yes. I'd agree. And, I got him the shoes of his choice, and some hot chocolate, and some shirts. I let him pick out his own shoes because well, he needed shoes, and he's kinda picky. ;) We gave Xander, tons of clothes, and pretty much spoil him anyway. So, there we go. We even got him this little tux onsie from walmart, and a tux bib to go with, for New years. I"ll post pics of it once he wears it.
I TOTALLY CANNOT Believe how fast time has gone. I am excited for tax season. I love getting taxes. Gets me a little more out of debt each year. This year, we're focusing on a new car, and completely paying off a couple things. Hopefully, with things going good this year, we'll be able to buy a new house by the end of the year. I'm really praying things work out that way. I need a car that will work, and i would love to bring Xander up in a house. Well, enough for now...so, TTYL Diary. (Seriously, i think of this blog as a freaking diary.)
In a separate note. I'm looking for a new job. I've been searching online, and looking for hiring signs. Not....like, extreme, seeing as how i do have a job, but to the point to where i'm at least filling out an application every 3 days or so. That can be annoying, but i'm seriously considering a new job and if it pays more, make it permanent. If not...then just until the next school year depending on circumstances. I'm having a super hard time at the preschool and it's not getting better. I've suggested a move into a new class, and the principal didn't seem to think it was a good idea. So..if i don't move into this new classroom, or if the teacher doesn't give me a break..i may have a cow. I really don't think it's that bad of an idea. But, hence the job searching. A just in case type of thing.
Back to our family, McCord, is such a great dad. I can't believe how cute he is with his little boy. I knew he'd be a good dad, but he's even better than i thought. Watching those two together, it's just so sweet. I hope i'm a good mom. I never know. I put pictures and statuses on FB and usually i just get criticize. It hurts my feelings that people think having a child is an invitation to be criticized all the time. For me, i don't think i'd ever...EVER, criticize, unless the parent was doing something that was dangerous to the child's life. Drives me crazy. I usually delete whatever post that created that little itch in someone else to tell me what i'm doing wrong, but seriously, can't stand it even after it's gone. I totally don't mind advice, when I've asked for it. But, if i post a picture of my baby, and all you can see is what i'm doing wrong, i feel like you're mean. In which case, i'll probably just ignore you.
Enough ranting. let me explain my awesome Christmas!
#1. I feel like, when i was little, my mom would try her damnedest to give us kids the best christmas ever. So, when i was placed in foster care, and foster moms would ship you elsewhere to spend christmas with their family...it was ruined for me. I was actually pretty much a bah humbug until McCord came along. then, it was great again. Now..add Xander into the mix. It was sooo much fun!
Now, Xander will probably not remember this christmas, or the next 2 or 3. BUT!! I want to make them so much fun for our family. I want him to LOVE christmas.
This year, we wanted to spend all of christmas together. Since McCord had to work, I went down with him. Had me some free breakfast, and spent as much of his work shift, with him. Xander was with me, and pretty much kept me company til he was off work. Once he was off, we went down to his mom's house, and we all got ready to go to Levan, which is 45 min southwest of Payson. That's right, even more south than i'm used to. Anyway, we spent a good hour or so there, with his aunt and uncle, and their little girl, and his grandparents, and his mom and sister. Then, after we started to get a little hungry, we took off, to have dinner at his moms. We had a great dinner, and did Christmas with them too! Then, McCord and I took Xander home, and spent the evening chatting, going through presents, and cleaning up. It was perfect. Yes, i love getting presents. I don't care if it's something you hated and passed onto me, the thought is what gets me. You thought of me! I love it. ;) So, McCord, gave me a great Cross with cubic zirconia in the middle, and some earrings to match, and some peace sign earrings, and another heart necklace and the movie Eclipse. Perfect? Yes. I'd agree. And, I got him the shoes of his choice, and some hot chocolate, and some shirts. I let him pick out his own shoes because well, he needed shoes, and he's kinda picky. ;) We gave Xander, tons of clothes, and pretty much spoil him anyway. So, there we go. We even got him this little tux onsie from walmart, and a tux bib to go with, for New years. I"ll post pics of it once he wears it.
I TOTALLY CANNOT Believe how fast time has gone. I am excited for tax season. I love getting taxes. Gets me a little more out of debt each year. This year, we're focusing on a new car, and completely paying off a couple things. Hopefully, with things going good this year, we'll be able to buy a new house by the end of the year. I'm really praying things work out that way. I need a car that will work, and i would love to bring Xander up in a house. Well, enough for now...so, TTYL Diary. (Seriously, i think of this blog as a freaking diary.)
Monday, November 22, 2010
Ups and downs
Oh my gosh. Sometimes, i sit there and think, Remember when i used to sleep? And, now, i'm like, running on hour naps here and there. Bummer. How am i supposed to go back to work and function? :) Anyway, it's all for a good cause. It's a good thing he's mine. And, he's cute. I just love kissing him and holding him.
He's got a yeast infection, and being ignorant, i'm only doing what the doctor tells me, and nothing more, but i tried to google it, and for once, I'm not getting much information on how to help him heal. I read that it could be from breastfeeding. but does that mean it's from breastmilk? or from my breasts? Cuz, i can pump and feed it to him if that's going to help his poor little bum. I feel bad that sometimes his bum is so bad it bleeds! it gets better, then gets worse again. So, finally he's on something oral, and i'm hoping that and a new cream they've given me will help him. but then, if it is from breastfeeding, then how is it transferred? Or, like, how do i have it and not know it? So lost on this. Well, hoping he's healing.
So, just had my final baby shower. thank goodness. I hate being..on display. thank goodness this one was after he was here, so he was kinda the one that was on display. But everyone thinks he's soo cute and has a good shaped head. That's right. Oddest compliment either? I THINK SO! but, technically, totally get it now. I saw a baby with a really big head, and yeah. So, thank goodness his is..small. :) And round. HAHA. oh he's gonna be embarrassed by me when he's older. Right now, i'm like, #1. Just gotta pull out a boob.
He's finally starting to fit 0-3 clothes. Won't fit into pants that size for a while, but he's fitting into into Pj's and onsies. I'm getting excited. lol i have much more clothes in 0-3 than newborn. I was told not to buy newborn stuff but he'll still fit into those onsies for his first month. AT LEAST! So, he's growing! :)
The pictures I took. :)
He's got a yeast infection, and being ignorant, i'm only doing what the doctor tells me, and nothing more, but i tried to google it, and for once, I'm not getting much information on how to help him heal. I read that it could be from breastfeeding. but does that mean it's from breastmilk? or from my breasts? Cuz, i can pump and feed it to him if that's going to help his poor little bum. I feel bad that sometimes his bum is so bad it bleeds! it gets better, then gets worse again. So, finally he's on something oral, and i'm hoping that and a new cream they've given me will help him. but then, if it is from breastfeeding, then how is it transferred? Or, like, how do i have it and not know it? So lost on this. Well, hoping he's healing.
So, just had my final baby shower. thank goodness. I hate being..on display. thank goodness this one was after he was here, so he was kinda the one that was on display. But everyone thinks he's soo cute and has a good shaped head. That's right. Oddest compliment either? I THINK SO! but, technically, totally get it now. I saw a baby with a really big head, and yeah. So, thank goodness his is..small. :) And round. HAHA. oh he's gonna be embarrassed by me when he's older. Right now, i'm like, #1. Just gotta pull out a boob.
He's finally starting to fit 0-3 clothes. Won't fit into pants that size for a while, but he's fitting into into Pj's and onsies. I'm getting excited. lol i have much more clothes in 0-3 than newborn. I was told not to buy newborn stuff but he'll still fit into those onsies for his first month. AT LEAST! So, he's growing! :)
The pictures I took. :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
He's here!
Oh the joy of being a new mom. He already melts my heart, and everything! Here's the story!
Wednesday, I get sent in to L&D for an NST. He seems fine, and therefore, i'm sent home, but with a follow up at my doctor, 2 days later.
Friday, the doctor actually said, blood pressure looks a lot better. And, then a follow up on Monday. I get there Monday, and they do my blood pressure, and the nurse told me, it's high, and i'll send the doc in to talk to you about it. He comes in, and says, why dont we do another NST, and this time monitor your blood pressure as well. So, he tried to send me to Utah Valley, and I told him I'd prefer Timpanogos. He sent me straight there and almost as soon as i'm showed to a room, the nurse comes in and tells me, she was on the phone with doc, and he is pretty sure, that with blood pressure that high, that i'd just be admitted and induced. Well, to me, i was like, why didn't he tell me that in the office? But no worries. I was perfectly fine. Excited really. Monday as opposed to Wednesday like we had originally thought? Can't wait!
Well, omg, We started the Cytotec, and those exams, and insertions, FYI, are completely painful. Idk, if i'm sensitive or not, but 1 of them put me to tears. Cytotec is instered every (if I remember right) 3 or 4 hrs. Then, after about 4 of them, that's when they start the Pitocin. The Cytotec ripens the cervix. Pitocin induces actual labor by creating contractions etc. Well, with all those doses spread so far apart, Monday was spent with only the Cytotec. Tuesday, at 5:30 AM, we started Pitocin. Now, keep in mind, i'm a first time mom. So my cervix, was completely unfavorable. Making it so much longer. So, If i remember right, (drugged) around, 7:30 pm, (back on Monday) they were convinced I needed pain meds. I started getting doses of something, and everytime I got them, i threw up. It was such a...lame compromise. Throw up for a little bit, but then have no pain, or not throw up, and be in pain the whole time. Well, I waited as long as I could for each dose, but then, decided it was always worth throwing up, to be out of as much pain as possible. Well, so after a few hours on the Pitocin, on Tuesday, they were convinced, dilated at 1.5, that i needed an epidural. It would help me with me getting my exams, to see how dilated I was, and i wouldn't be so miserable. (If that's the logic, why did they wait so long!) Anyway, so I got the epidural, which, btw, I had really wanted to do it as natural as possible, but by then, the pain was excruciating enough, that I just couldn't handle it. I love that i got the epi BTW..and within..i believe, 20 minutes, i was back to my old self. Sure, i couldn't move my legs by myself, or do much at all, but i was...Happy! :) And, i believe that took a lot of stress off of nurses, and off of McCord. Who, FYI, was there the Entire time, and so supportive and wonderful. Anyway, after i'd gotten the Epidural, I kept getting the cytotec, and finally pitocin was started. Now, i believe after i was finally dialated to a 5 i finally got my water broken by the doctor, and then after that, i was dialated one more, each hour. So, by the time i was a 9, i was so tired, and ready. Bored too. i was on FB like the whole time. So, once i was a 10, the nurse, whose name was Earlene, came in and said, i needed to start pushing, and i pushed for maybe half hour. Then another nurse comes in and says Doc is delievering over at Utah Valley, and needs me to wait. Well, Earlene tells her, well i'm worried about the heart rate. I'm like, uh..thanks for telling me? What the heck. I could hear the heart beat the whole time, but i didn't think that it was dropping or anything. But apparantly that's what was going on. So she turned me on my side, and left me alone, to go talk to the doctor. Turns out, there was a pretty good snow that night so even when he did leave Utah Valley to come deliver me, it was going to take him 3 times as long because of the bad snow. Anway, he finally gets there at like 3:45 and i Start pushing at 3:55 and he's out at 4:02. The whole time, Mccord, is extremely excited and he's all his head is showing, his head is almost out, and you're doing so good and oh my gosh he's out. It was the most exciting feeling ever. After i was done and he comes out, i was just so happy! The nurse was telling us his stats, they were pretty excited that he was 7lbs even, and he was getting cleaned up, and the nurse asks if McCord wants to pass baby to me so i can hold him, i make mccord take a picture, and then nurse asks if he wants to go with him to the nursery and he's like, yeah. Now, i'm a pretty anti-crying person, but i watered up when he was born, and so did mccord. That alone was like the happiest moments of our lives. I am so excited to be a mom and Mccord is excited and happy he's a dad. For the first like, week, everytime Xander moved, both of us would aww all over him. Yes, we think he's the cutest thing ever and we can't get over it.
A special thanks to Dr. Drewes and Nurse Earlene who were the ones there for me when i was giving birth. That was the most fun part of it all. Pushing, and then seeing him, and holding him. Thank you God for allowing me this special priviledge and everything. I still can't get over how amazing my son is. I would do anything for him. I can feel it. I know mccord would too.
Wednesday, I get sent in to L&D for an NST. He seems fine, and therefore, i'm sent home, but with a follow up at my doctor, 2 days later.
Friday, the doctor actually said, blood pressure looks a lot better. And, then a follow up on Monday. I get there Monday, and they do my blood pressure, and the nurse told me, it's high, and i'll send the doc in to talk to you about it. He comes in, and says, why dont we do another NST, and this time monitor your blood pressure as well. So, he tried to send me to Utah Valley, and I told him I'd prefer Timpanogos. He sent me straight there and almost as soon as i'm showed to a room, the nurse comes in and tells me, she was on the phone with doc, and he is pretty sure, that with blood pressure that high, that i'd just be admitted and induced. Well, to me, i was like, why didn't he tell me that in the office? But no worries. I was perfectly fine. Excited really. Monday as opposed to Wednesday like we had originally thought? Can't wait!
Well, omg, We started the Cytotec, and those exams, and insertions, FYI, are completely painful. Idk, if i'm sensitive or not, but 1 of them put me to tears. Cytotec is instered every (if I remember right) 3 or 4 hrs. Then, after about 4 of them, that's when they start the Pitocin. The Cytotec ripens the cervix. Pitocin induces actual labor by creating contractions etc. Well, with all those doses spread so far apart, Monday was spent with only the Cytotec. Tuesday, at 5:30 AM, we started Pitocin. Now, keep in mind, i'm a first time mom. So my cervix, was completely unfavorable. Making it so much longer. So, If i remember right, (drugged) around, 7:30 pm, (back on Monday) they were convinced I needed pain meds. I started getting doses of something, and everytime I got them, i threw up. It was such a...lame compromise. Throw up for a little bit, but then have no pain, or not throw up, and be in pain the whole time. Well, I waited as long as I could for each dose, but then, decided it was always worth throwing up, to be out of as much pain as possible. Well, so after a few hours on the Pitocin, on Tuesday, they were convinced, dilated at 1.5, that i needed an epidural. It would help me with me getting my exams, to see how dilated I was, and i wouldn't be so miserable. (If that's the logic, why did they wait so long!) Anyway, so I got the epidural, which, btw, I had really wanted to do it as natural as possible, but by then, the pain was excruciating enough, that I just couldn't handle it. I love that i got the epi BTW..and within..i believe, 20 minutes, i was back to my old self. Sure, i couldn't move my legs by myself, or do much at all, but i was...Happy! :) And, i believe that took a lot of stress off of nurses, and off of McCord. Who, FYI, was there the Entire time, and so supportive and wonderful. Anyway, after i'd gotten the Epidural, I kept getting the cytotec, and finally pitocin was started. Now, i believe after i was finally dialated to a 5 i finally got my water broken by the doctor, and then after that, i was dialated one more, each hour. So, by the time i was a 9, i was so tired, and ready. Bored too. i was on FB like the whole time. So, once i was a 10, the nurse, whose name was Earlene, came in and said, i needed to start pushing, and i pushed for maybe half hour. Then another nurse comes in and says Doc is delievering over at Utah Valley, and needs me to wait. Well, Earlene tells her, well i'm worried about the heart rate. I'm like, uh..thanks for telling me? What the heck. I could hear the heart beat the whole time, but i didn't think that it was dropping or anything. But apparantly that's what was going on. So she turned me on my side, and left me alone, to go talk to the doctor. Turns out, there was a pretty good snow that night so even when he did leave Utah Valley to come deliver me, it was going to take him 3 times as long because of the bad snow. Anway, he finally gets there at like 3:45 and i Start pushing at 3:55 and he's out at 4:02. The whole time, Mccord, is extremely excited and he's all his head is showing, his head is almost out, and you're doing so good and oh my gosh he's out. It was the most exciting feeling ever. After i was done and he comes out, i was just so happy! The nurse was telling us his stats, they were pretty excited that he was 7lbs even, and he was getting cleaned up, and the nurse asks if McCord wants to pass baby to me so i can hold him, i make mccord take a picture, and then nurse asks if he wants to go with him to the nursery and he's like, yeah. Now, i'm a pretty anti-crying person, but i watered up when he was born, and so did mccord. That alone was like the happiest moments of our lives. I am so excited to be a mom and Mccord is excited and happy he's a dad. For the first like, week, everytime Xander moved, both of us would aww all over him. Yes, we think he's the cutest thing ever and we can't get over it.
A special thanks to Dr. Drewes and Nurse Earlene who were the ones there for me when i was giving birth. That was the most fun part of it all. Pushing, and then seeing him, and holding him. Thank you God for allowing me this special priviledge and everything. I still can't get over how amazing my son is. I would do anything for him. I can feel it. I know mccord would too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Xander is Almost here!
I've had quite a few people tell me, oh wow, "Oh you're ready to pop!" or "You're carrying low!" or, "You're baby is ready to come because he's dropped." And, i gotta say, it's making me anxious. I mean, ignore the fact that i've had this baby in me for 37 weeks now, but when people say things like that, it makes me want to go into labor faster, and i'm just beyond ready! Am i selfish for saying I hope Xander doesn't wait for 3 weeks to get here? I'm seriously like telling people, you know, if he is over just 1 day i'm going to cry. Because, I believe i will. I don't want him late. I want him early. HEALTHY...but early. :) i'm just so impatient. Also, AHH! Guess what! i'm moving this week. So my mom says, oh this is nesting. i'm like, no..this is moving. But at the same time i'm like, uh, is it? But I'm moving, to Beth's little APT connected to her house in North East Orem. :) I'm STOKED! It's going to be so great. We will also have our own washer and dryer. (No we haven't gotten as far as to go and get one yet...but...we're getting there) And i'm So excited about that! I am glad. (Pathetic much?) Well, so McCord and I have this plan, of okay, this is what we are doing for the next year, and if everything works out, We may try and buy our own house in a year. And that's something I really want. Sure it makes me nervous...For the past..oh 7 years, i've been moving like a turtle who can't find a good shell, but so I've gotten used to it, and I've gotta say, i love moving! it's so...refreshing, it's a new start, it's a great feeling once you're all moved in, etc. And! Beth, being the most awesome lady, is basically letting us feel like, this is our place. She's letting us PAINT! HOLY Crap! I can't wait. I'll get to do all that! I mean, every where i can remember living, we haven't been allowed to personalize it much at all. No paint, no wallpaper, no nails in the wall to hold or hang things you like..etc. It's insane. I maybe wish when i was little that my mom would have tried to move us into a house, and then I could have painted my room! That would have been sweet. So i feel like, well if i get to paint Xanders room, then I just feel like, he's going to be happier looking at more than white walls. I've gotten so many friends, and I've decided, I'm better at watching my mouth and stuff now...so, I'm excited I've got soo many people to help support me through my pregnancy, but Pam, said, once you give birth, it'll be all over, and I'm like, so..no one will care about me? :( Sad! I know that's not the case, just FYI, I was just like, initially feeling that way when i thought about what she said. Okay, i'm bored with typing. TTYL!
Friday, September 17, 2010
September 17th. (Original title I know.)
KSL report. A mom fell asleep begging on the side of the highway. The baby crawls into traffic, and baby is returned to mom after police interviewed her. They should have realized this baby isn't okay with mom. Hopefully this baby is okay being with mom. I hope this was like the wake up call. that baby would be in foster care had it been in the US.
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=235&sid=12466852
Ahh...Foster care. You know, foster care sucks when you have a sad experience? Over all, I know it was good for me, but i hated that i didn't get a family out of any of the families i stayed with. The one i really stayed in touch with, is divorcing right now, and so mom, is by herself and i'm like, oh well there's another family broken because of bad decisions.
Anyway. The 2nd week of preschool went okay. I had a birthing class, a breastfeeding class, and a Doctor appt this week. It feels good to say, i'm almost done. :) the birthing class is stuff i've already researched or learned somehow, so i didn't learn much the 1st class. Hopefully i learn more this next time around. Doc said my back contractions need to stop and if i can't not go to work, Resting after work is mandatory to slow them down to help avoid Premature labor. I think after 37 weeks, i won't be so scared, but right now, i need him to be healthy and IN ME for about 3 and a half more weeks! And you know what, i'm getting sooooo paranoid something's going to go wrong. Annie, I know what you're going to say, you're gonna be fine. But, ANNIE, it's freaking pushing a pot roast thru a nostrol! YOU TRY IT! (HAHA...Get the reference?) Gotta love friends. :)
PS..in my birthing class, i saw the placenta being delivered. Yum. :( Why does anyone need to see that or know it's even there. I say, gross! And i'm like, eating as i watch this video. McCord looked over to me and saw me making the puffy fish face with food in my mouth. HAHA.
Have I ever explained here, how Awesome my husband is? He went to everything with me this week. As i looked around the room in both the Classes, or even when i'm in the docs office waiting to be called, i see so many women alone. And, it's like, for him to be there with me all the time. I LOVE IT! He's so great. I just wish I could spend more time with him at home. I love being at home with him. it's better. More relaxing. Plus i can ROPE him into cleaning with me. For the 1st week at me being at preschool he was cleaning like the whole week. Ahh.... so nice. The 2nd week, i think he's done. LOL. One of our friends, Kilee, she asked him if I was nesting yet, and he told her he was the one doing all the cleaning that week, and she's like, Awww..You're nesting for her. So one day, i came home and the house was messy, and i'm like, McCord, I miss your nesting :)
SO, i need to finish packing my bag, and i need to figure out what stuff to pack for him. I'm SOoo..excited when i do something that has to do with Xander, that i think that's when i'm the happiest. He may not be here yet, but he's like, the thing that keeps me happy and going! Not that McCord isn't doing the same thing. But that's a different kind of love and excitement.
McCord, i keep finding like little things that show his excitement. Like his FB page. He doesn't get on much. He doesn't find it as entertaining as I do. BUT, he's changed his about me Section on there, and here's what it says. "Well, I'm 20, living in Orem with my wife Gabi. We are happily married and will soon be coming up on our 2nd year anniversary and we will soon have a little boy in our lives due October 31. That's right, Halloween."
That's really cute. He never changes anything on that page. LOL. If anything, he'll go on, and change his display picture every once in a while. But that's it. And, on his laptop, it's an ultrasound picture. :)
OH my gosh! I totally forgot, so a lot of my friends came to the baby shower okay? And, there were some that didn't come (Yes i'm holding a grudge to some of you! HAHA.) And, one family that came, was the family that adopted my Neice. She's getting so cute. I thought at first, not the prettiest face, but she's totally getting so adorable. I watch her grow in the pictures and she's so my brothers daughter. And i've gotta say. She's half Korean okay? So, the mom that adopted her, is Korean. And the dad, i think he kinda looks like Nick a lot, so seriously, they look like Kamea is hers. It's great. she's got such nice parents. I talk to the mom every so often, and she's so stinkin' cute and nice. Anyway, so I got to hold Kamea for a while. Who BTW will soon be 1. HOLY COW! Her B-day is in November. I think it's amazing how time flies!
Well, I think that's enough rambling for today. :) I'm getting more frequent at this blogging deal.
PS..I believe all my friends that read this are on my FB except for one or so. BUT, We got a maternity photo shoot done by a cute friend. Katie, and she did really well on our pictures! Here's an example!
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=235&sid=12466852
Ahh...Foster care. You know, foster care sucks when you have a sad experience? Over all, I know it was good for me, but i hated that i didn't get a family out of any of the families i stayed with. The one i really stayed in touch with, is divorcing right now, and so mom, is by herself and i'm like, oh well there's another family broken because of bad decisions.
Anyway. The 2nd week of preschool went okay. I had a birthing class, a breastfeeding class, and a Doctor appt this week. It feels good to say, i'm almost done. :) the birthing class is stuff i've already researched or learned somehow, so i didn't learn much the 1st class. Hopefully i learn more this next time around. Doc said my back contractions need to stop and if i can't not go to work, Resting after work is mandatory to slow them down to help avoid Premature labor. I think after 37 weeks, i won't be so scared, but right now, i need him to be healthy and IN ME for about 3 and a half more weeks! And you know what, i'm getting sooooo paranoid something's going to go wrong. Annie, I know what you're going to say, you're gonna be fine. But, ANNIE, it's freaking pushing a pot roast thru a nostrol! YOU TRY IT! (HAHA...Get the reference?) Gotta love friends. :)
PS..in my birthing class, i saw the placenta being delivered. Yum. :( Why does anyone need to see that or know it's even there. I say, gross! And i'm like, eating as i watch this video. McCord looked over to me and saw me making the puffy fish face with food in my mouth. HAHA.
Have I ever explained here, how Awesome my husband is? He went to everything with me this week. As i looked around the room in both the Classes, or even when i'm in the docs office waiting to be called, i see so many women alone. And, it's like, for him to be there with me all the time. I LOVE IT! He's so great. I just wish I could spend more time with him at home. I love being at home with him. it's better. More relaxing. Plus i can ROPE him into cleaning with me. For the 1st week at me being at preschool he was cleaning like the whole week. Ahh.... so nice. The 2nd week, i think he's done. LOL. One of our friends, Kilee, she asked him if I was nesting yet, and he told her he was the one doing all the cleaning that week, and she's like, Awww..You're nesting for her. So one day, i came home and the house was messy, and i'm like, McCord, I miss your nesting :)
SO, i need to finish packing my bag, and i need to figure out what stuff to pack for him. I'm SOoo..excited when i do something that has to do with Xander, that i think that's when i'm the happiest. He may not be here yet, but he's like, the thing that keeps me happy and going! Not that McCord isn't doing the same thing. But that's a different kind of love and excitement.
McCord, i keep finding like little things that show his excitement. Like his FB page. He doesn't get on much. He doesn't find it as entertaining as I do. BUT, he's changed his about me Section on there, and here's what it says. "Well, I'm 20, living in Orem with my wife Gabi. We are happily married and will soon be coming up on our 2nd year anniversary and we will soon have a little boy in our lives due October 31. That's right, Halloween."
That's really cute. He never changes anything on that page. LOL. If anything, he'll go on, and change his display picture every once in a while. But that's it. And, on his laptop, it's an ultrasound picture. :)
OH my gosh! I totally forgot, so a lot of my friends came to the baby shower okay? And, there were some that didn't come (Yes i'm holding a grudge to some of you! HAHA.) And, one family that came, was the family that adopted my Neice. She's getting so cute. I thought at first, not the prettiest face, but she's totally getting so adorable. I watch her grow in the pictures and she's so my brothers daughter. And i've gotta say. She's half Korean okay? So, the mom that adopted her, is Korean. And the dad, i think he kinda looks like Nick a lot, so seriously, they look like Kamea is hers. It's great. she's got such nice parents. I talk to the mom every so often, and she's so stinkin' cute and nice. Anyway, so I got to hold Kamea for a while. Who BTW will soon be 1. HOLY COW! Her B-day is in November. I think it's amazing how time flies!
Well, I think that's enough rambling for today. :) I'm getting more frequent at this blogging deal.
PS..I believe all my friends that read this are on my FB except for one or so. BUT, We got a maternity photo shoot done by a cute friend. Katie, and she did really well on our pictures! Here's an example!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
9/11...
While I do respect the idea of a moment of silence for those involved in anyway, of the tragedy, of 9/11. I do think, it's over...shall we say, dramatized. Not saying that to be un-american in ANY way! Promise! I do believe if you've lost someone in the tragedy, don't forget about them, don't realize that they're gone without giving them proper respect, but i'm totally done basking in the sadness that has turned this country into what it is now. I believe, that we should be done and moving on. (Grieving time, is what 6 months? As someone else told me) No, i'm being a little harsh, so i'll move on.
Today, is my baby shower. Not the work one, Not the husbands moms. But my friends. Which, I'm just a little baffled by. I do kinda wish i could have combined to get them all over with at once. BUT...I'm still grateful that i have so many friends, wanting to help me out and throw these for me. I'm SOOO Grateful.
My friend Kilee, the one doing my shower today, She's being so great and helpful.
My Bestest friend, Pam Colson, she's so wonderful. I think she can tell when i'm just kinda having a hard time, and overwhelmed. You know what her cure is? Buying me shirts and stuff. She's so sweet that way. Here are 2 new shirts she bought me for these last few weeks of this pregnancy! (I may keep them and wear them after anyways. HAHA)
And, Just for old times sake, i found a SKINNY PICTURE! From BEFORE i was married tho!
Okay...i think i'm going to throw up looking at how much of a difference this is. Oh my god. I'm going to throw up. Can anyone PLEASE get me SKINNY again!?
Today, is my baby shower. Not the work one, Not the husbands moms. But my friends. Which, I'm just a little baffled by. I do kinda wish i could have combined to get them all over with at once. BUT...I'm still grateful that i have so many friends, wanting to help me out and throw these for me. I'm SOOO Grateful.
My friend Kilee, the one doing my shower today, She's being so great and helpful.
My Bestest friend, Pam Colson, she's so wonderful. I think she can tell when i'm just kinda having a hard time, and overwhelmed. You know what her cure is? Buying me shirts and stuff. She's so sweet that way. Here are 2 new shirts she bought me for these last few weeks of this pregnancy! (I may keep them and wear them after anyways. HAHA)
Okay...i think i'm going to throw up looking at how much of a difference this is. Oh my god. I'm going to throw up. Can anyone PLEASE get me SKINNY again!?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Complaining...about Complaining! GO figure.
Last night, i almost cried, yes, cried, (blaming on the hormones) because my MIL said i complain a lot about my pregnancy. Usually i retaliate with anger, or passive aggressiveness, and this time, it's like, really? Do i? Am i that annoying? I literally feel like i hate myself for complaining so much. My husband tried to calm me down and said i don't actually complain so much, i just talk about it a lot. I have nooo idea which is worse. Constantly talking about how excited and pregnant i am so i am that annoying, or...complaining so much about how pregnant i am so i'm that annoying.
Oh my god i'm so sick of these hormones that i just want him OUT and i just want my normal angry self back! The brain would be nice too, but i guess that never comes back. (According to all those moms that have said no.)
Okay. Since, this is a complaint, really, i'm going to try really hard not to complain or talk about my pregnancy so much to not offend or annoy anyone else. I know how getting annoyed is, and i don't want to annoy friends. That's just...lame.
Oh my god i'm so sick of these hormones that i just want him OUT and i just want my normal angry self back! The brain would be nice too, but i guess that never comes back. (According to all those moms that have said no.)
Okay. Since, this is a complaint, really, i'm going to try really hard not to complain or talk about my pregnancy so much to not offend or annoy anyone else. I know how getting annoyed is, and i don't want to annoy friends. That's just...lame.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Ex-LDS blog. Or...Confessions of a non LDS Member!
I do warn. I don't reccomend reading this if you're very..close minded about the church. It may offend you. I did want to post this, because, this is a very..Interesting, If you will, veiw or writing, about a man, who only Regrets his mission.
He doesn't exactly say why, he feels this way, or give as many details as I would like, but here goes.
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon085.htm
That's the website. I do find it very intriguing to know that there is one person out there, (and may be plenty more) that regrets an LDS Mission he did as a young boy. I'd always wondered if anyone would talk about it, if they didn't agree with everything they did on their mission.
One thing i wonder is, why, the Utahn, mormons, are just SOOO different, from any other state. They're very conservative, and whatnot. And don't take me wrong, I actually love all of my friends, and most of them are LDS and from Utah. It's just i've noticed a HUGE difference in attitude, about the church. One thing I can tell is that a lot of it is just a culture difference. A lot of this is because Utah mormons, are actually those that are born and raised here. So, it's not their fault that they're very..ignorant. A lot of them don't realize, that the amount of Politeness and just plain (i don't want to know about your life) ways, hurt people from out of state, or that have learned a different lifestyle, so they continue to just be friends with their kind. And i say this all out of the kindness of my heart. I am not trying to be unkind to anyone so i'm hoping no one reads this and takes it out of context.
He doesn't exactly say why, he feels this way, or give as many details as I would like, but here goes.
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon085.htm
That's the website. I do find it very intriguing to know that there is one person out there, (and may be plenty more) that regrets an LDS Mission he did as a young boy. I'd always wondered if anyone would talk about it, if they didn't agree with everything they did on their mission.
One thing i wonder is, why, the Utahn, mormons, are just SOOO different, from any other state. They're very conservative, and whatnot. And don't take me wrong, I actually love all of my friends, and most of them are LDS and from Utah. It's just i've noticed a HUGE difference in attitude, about the church. One thing I can tell is that a lot of it is just a culture difference. A lot of this is because Utah mormons, are actually those that are born and raised here. So, it's not their fault that they're very..ignorant. A lot of them don't realize, that the amount of Politeness and just plain (i don't want to know about your life) ways, hurt people from out of state, or that have learned a different lifestyle, so they continue to just be friends with their kind. And i say this all out of the kindness of my heart. I am not trying to be unkind to anyone so i'm hoping no one reads this and takes it out of context.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
WOW!
Okay, so first and foremost, Invitations for my baby shower are FINALLY done! Thanks to the Co-worker who can do anything with paper! :) Thanks Steph! Now, gotta get them out tomorrow morning, and then let's get some RSVP's! :)
2nd! My 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. I know that some people have said some things about how young we were when we got married and how it must have been for this or that reason, truth is, we love eachother, and couldn't be happier. :) Well, okay, someone could give us some money and pay our bills for us, but other than that...!
Baby Alexander, is getting more and more wanted and we're preparing more and more!
And, Missy, is cute. however, we've recently discovered, she doesn't like kids. Won't get near em. We've got a little brother and 2 kids i baby sit, and they'll go anywhere near her, and she will just hiss and growl. So we are concerned as to how she's going to be with baby around. Any suggestions anyone?
And, i'm in my 3rd trimester! I've got 11 weeks left and this is awesome! I can lean back a little, and then he sicks out in one area and it's kinda fun to look and touch. :)
one thing that's getting me, is everyone else who's pregnant for the first time, says they feel like a mom already, and i'm like, well i don't! I have to have my baby and then hopefully i'll feel like it! i hope i'm decent.
2nd! My 2 year anniversary is tomorrow. I know that some people have said some things about how young we were when we got married and how it must have been for this or that reason, truth is, we love eachother, and couldn't be happier. :) Well, okay, someone could give us some money and pay our bills for us, but other than that...!
Baby Alexander, is getting more and more wanted and we're preparing more and more!
And, Missy, is cute. however, we've recently discovered, she doesn't like kids. Won't get near em. We've got a little brother and 2 kids i baby sit, and they'll go anywhere near her, and she will just hiss and growl. So we are concerned as to how she's going to be with baby around. Any suggestions anyone?
And, i'm in my 3rd trimester! I've got 11 weeks left and this is awesome! I can lean back a little, and then he sicks out in one area and it's kinda fun to look and touch. :)
one thing that's getting me, is everyone else who's pregnant for the first time, says they feel like a mom already, and i'm like, well i don't! I have to have my baby and then hopefully i'll feel like it! i hope i'm decent.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Excited for Xander, weeds, etc. Whatever comes out!
I just watched an Episode of a show, i'm a little embarrassed to like, called Weeds. McCord got me into it. I told him that's the dumbest crap i'd ever seen when i caught him watching it, and now i like it. I am ashamed. LOL! Anyway, i watched Nancy, give birth to her mafia mayor baby boy, and they're so..at peace for a moment, while dad holds him, and baby smiles up at him, and i just completely watered up. And, yes, i do this quite often now. Thinking of when i can hold my Xander, and when i get to hold him. I'm just too excited. I want it to come soon! But, it will. i'm also, getting anxious, because i swear to all the angels above, that it's going so much faster than i thought! WOOT! I don't know, if i'll be all the way ready! This has got to be one of the most weird types of Eustress any woman feels. Excitement for the child on the way, but stressed because of it. OH man! Anyways, i was told by a certain someone who's name i'll not mention (*Clears throat*) PAM! that my hair cut makes me look like a mom.
Well, i absolutely HATE my hair! I wish it'd just grow already! i've been contemplating extensions, but, i think that i'll wait until Christmas and give that special gift to myself. :)
(*Sudden realization*)
Wait, i'll get to buy someone stuff for Christmas! Other than McCord! Oh Goody! His first Christmas and he'll be about 2 months! that's gonna be cute. yes...i'm finally getting into the chrismas spirit!
No actually i can't wait for chrismas year round, however, I can't EVER think of things to get for McCord! I need help! Actually no one knows him better so help may not be the best thing. I just need to get creative. :)
Okay. Well, seeing as how i'm out of coke, i'll Go get me some, and then finish weeds! :)
Oh man. it smells like matches in here. Hmm...MCCORD?! Are you lighting your little firecrackers again!
Well, i absolutely HATE my hair! I wish it'd just grow already! i've been contemplating extensions, but, i think that i'll wait until Christmas and give that special gift to myself. :)
(*Sudden realization*)
Wait, i'll get to buy someone stuff for Christmas! Other than McCord! Oh Goody! His first Christmas and he'll be about 2 months! that's gonna be cute. yes...i'm finally getting into the chrismas spirit!
No actually i can't wait for chrismas year round, however, I can't EVER think of things to get for McCord! I need help! Actually no one knows him better so help may not be the best thing. I just need to get creative. :)
Okay. Well, seeing as how i'm out of coke, i'll Go get me some, and then finish weeds! :)
Oh man. it smells like matches in here. Hmm...MCCORD?! Are you lighting your little firecrackers again!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Feelings
So here's the deal. I have problems. We all do. However, for me, i used to LOVE LOVE LOVE writing about them. I've forgotten about that writing and releasing emotion that way. And in the course, i think i've bottled some feelings up! Let me get them out here, and lets see how i feel after.
NO NO NO, you don't have to read this. No one does. this is honestly a journal entry really. I just needed to be able to get some feelings or venting out. I feel so sad inside sometimes, and maybe it's because i don't let enough of those *gulps* emotions, get out. :) I like to think of Anger, is the only emotion that i have, because i literally FEEL weaker, when i'm actually crying, or hurting. Any emotion if it's not a happy one, or anger, is a sign of weakness to me. I do know subconsciuosly, that that's not true. I just don't know how to FEEL differently about emotions. ANYWAYS, here goes!
#1. I have this co worker, who, is one of those people, who you just love at first. And i really did. i loved her. However, something i did or said, set her off, and she de-friended me on facebook. Needless to say, it hurt my feelings, so much in fact, that i'm in denial, that she was ever a good person. It makes me wonder, what was going thru her mind, to just delete me and not talk to me about whatever it was that hurt her feelings, or what not. I want to know, but at the same time, i'm like, if i am not worth talking to about it, and it's okay with your feelings to just go and be passive aggressive and just delete me, then is it worth WANTING to be your friend? i'm not sure what to say. But, usually my first emotion is anger. So, the point with this paragraph is, It hurt my feelings. I pretended to not care, and just in return, hate and be mad at you. BUT, it did. it hurts my feelings to know that someone out there, doesn't like me enough, to talk to me about when i am offending them, or to try and keep our friendship.
*WIPES EYE BROW*
Woo. This is kinda tough actually.
#2
My husbands side of the family.
THEY MAKE ME SOOO MAD! ANd yes, this could be one of those "anger is hiding my true emotions deal" but right now, i'm just mad. oh and offended! His mom, isn't so bad. She's very polite, and very helpful, and whatnot. HOWEVER, she doesn't like me. And i don't know why. And, i think this is more my deal, than hers, but i hate it when people don't like me! (Does anyone else see a tiny Michael Scott inside of me when i say that??) And, i just don't understand it. I dont' know why i need to have people like me in order to be at peace. BUT, McCords aunt and Uncle, are just mean. I've tried talking to them, in person, and on facebook, etc. ANd, they're just ignoring my friendly questions or statements! They're just plain rude, and the thing is, is they were sooo nice to me, before we got married, and even more so before i got pregnant. McCord and I came up with this whole thing that maybe they hate us even more now that we're having a baby boy, (I can get pregnant easier than them, and they had a girl, not boy to carry on the family name) and that's just not fair to me, or McCord!
I had told McCord, maybe...after meeting them a few times, that, you know honey, i don't' think they like me. I can tell that they're just polite, and not friendly. And, he didn't believe me. Leaving me to just believe this by myself, and have no one to talk to or vent to about it. And, so, just recently, he was like, you know, i can see what you mean by you think they don't like you. they're not very nice to you at all, and my uncle doesn't even talk to me anymore. I was just so relieved that i wasn't hallucinating their rudeness, or anything! But I mean, they shouldn't be rude to their nephew if they don't like his wife. It made me feel bad that i'm the cause for dislike and odd feelings. However, i've blogged about it, lets see if i can feel a little better.
#3. I have this thing. I hate it when people, my friends, or family, have babies, without being married. NO I don't and probably won't be rude to you about it. But if you come to me and complain that, you had sex before marriage, and then realized, that's the biggest mistake you've ever made because now you're pregnant and don't know what to do, i'm not going to have much sympathy. I don't like that you are now, jepordizing your child's future, and life. That makes me mad. Just wait for the sex til you're married, and you're sure it's the right guy! I do make a point every now and again, when i'm talking to someone that's single and pregnant, to say that i am so glad i waited until after marriage. And that's another point, if you're married, and divorced, that's much different. You tried. And the thing is, if you're divorced, you're technically better, than a single mom. Because, granted i'm thinking maturely, and hopefully, you're going to be decent with whoever the father is, to make sure he's in your childs life. Which actually brings me to my next point:
#4 I'll NEVER forgive my mom, for taking me across the country to live away from my dad! I lost 10 years of having a father figure, and it's not to blame for any of my actions, but i just will never, never get those years back. I hate that. I miss my Dad every second i'm away. And i hate that i can't see him whenever i want. And as far as my brothers, they're fatherless. I'm sure that's something i can use to blame whatever i want on, but if my brother had a father figure in his life, i'm almost 110% sure, he wouldn't have had a child at the tender age of 16 and my littlest brother, is on his way to having multiple disorders, that i won't diagnose now, because i'm not a doctor, but i'm just scared for him. he needs his dad, and the 2 times that he's had the chance to go see him, have been foiled, by my mom and i'm just hating it. My dad, has met, my littlest brother 1 time. At my wedding. Tell me that's not heartbreaking.
#5. Lets go back to my mom. I hate hate hate, that i don't have a mother. And when i say that, yes, she's alive, yes she's here in provo, but she's not my mother. She's been diagnosed with Bipolar Schizoeffective disorder, as well as a few other things, like PTSD, and Depression. Well no crap. Well, because of these disorders, she's very hard to get along with. With anyone. She doesn't understand that my brother needs medication for his full body Eczema, and that they need therapy. She thinks she's the best person in the world for them, and really, it's not fair. She's not. I'm not saying I am, because there's no way i am, i'm not even a mom yet, but she's not supposed to be a parent. I am on the verge of tears because the other day, i had my brother over for a night. You know what i saw in him? My mother. He CAN'T be my mother! It will ruin him! She can't hold a job. She can't hold a savings account. She can't make ANY of her bills, because of this, and she's on 100% state and federal funds. It's terrible. My dad sends her money for child support every month, and she either has to catch up on the bills she's missed because she spent the money on an impulsive and stupid buy, or she has to buy more food, or clothing for my brothers. She can't hold school down. She can get excited for it tho. She will sign up for classes, and then go, a time or 2, and then realize, those voices she's hearing are either not supposed to be there, or are there because of her fear of people. I'm really venting here. I do hate her. I hate her because she's just one of those people who, thinks she's right about everything, and that on her pills, she's a normal person. That's not what those pills are for. She's more normal, YES. Definitely. But she's still someone who can't see, that "normal people" (people without the disabilities she has) aren't out to get her, or they're not mean, or unkind, they're just. ignorant of her disabilities. I remember, shopping with her, when i was little. We'd walk into a store, and if there was more than one person behind the counter, we'd have to leave immediately because they were planning on calling the CIA on her and or calling her names and taunting her. sometimes, it was the one person that set her off. She'd MAKE up another person in her mind, and then THEY would taunt and tease her. Therefore, i went the opposite way. I knew right away she wasn't right. But i never knew her diagnoses until i entered foster care.
#5. This is more a venting story, or a story of how i became who i am today if you will. I entered foster care about 14. And, was there til i was 18.5 yrs old. I had to hold a job for a few months, and prove i was ready to be out on my own. But, Here's the catcher. My brothers entered foster care, at about 4 and 10 years old. Because i was the oldest, i was told i was "Parentified" And that posed a big problem to let my mother, parent her children. Because she had depended on me, to go grocery shopping and or do anything in public for her, and then tend to the children (my brothers) so she could sleep all day in her room with a blanket over the window so no one could see her or spy on her. Which technically, i didn't know that doing all that, was depriving me of my childhood until i entered therapy once i was in foster care. Anyway, back to the beginning, my brothers went in with me, because my mom had an episode. She was found barefoot walking out side, and screaming at our neighbors, because they had cameras and microphones in her house and were recording her every move, and telling everyone else about it, and so, i came home after she had already called the police on her neighbors, and once i got there, the police weren't there yet, i only knew because they came after. She grabbed a bottle of some type of pills, and put a bunch in her hand, looked at me with the most hate she's ever looked at me with, and said, "This is for you." I actually didn't quite know what she was doing at the time. i've never quite gotten over that part i think. It's hard for me to know my own mother could hate me so much as a teenager, and try to commit suicide. Was i really that bad?
Anyway, that night, we were sent to a home in Mapleton, and she was sent to a Mental Hospital in Provo. The home i was sent to, Called, a shelter home. the parents were really nice, and i only remember the womans name. Jasmine. I can't remember the husbands name. But they were so sweet. Jasmine, however, had a miscarriage, and it became physically and mentally hard for her to care for 3 extra children in her home. So we were moved, to the Greens house, in Orem. The greens, almost immediatley, realized, something was wrong with me. I was too hard to handle, and was mean to anyone trying parent my brothers. They were my brothers, and therefore my responsibility. I also had no respect for men. What with having been abused by men, and not having a father, that just made it so easy for me to assume, all men were like that. So, i was a Hellian, and a big one. I understand that now. However, that home, The greens, was a basic foster care home. I needed a structured foster care home. And, I remember the family i was sent to, the mom was the main caregiver, and main structure person. I met her first, and when i met her, she told me (later on of course) that she could tell right away, I had been abused, she could tell what kind of abuse, and she could tell that i had NEVER had any help for it. Which was all true. That was her first order of business. I get into hardcore therapy ASAP. So, i did. I loved my first therapist. She was wonderful. Her name was Mandy. She helped me thru so much. And really, what i needed, what with losing my brothers, losing my mom, having to change schools, was a friend. And she was there for me. I'll never forget her. I feel so bad that i have lost contact with her, because she moved. I should have asked if i could write or something. She would have been an awesome friend to have now. I would have liked to show her, i wasn't completely messed up, and have grown up, gotten married, held a stable relationship, and job, and am having my own little one.
Anyway, i'm really, right now, trying to get over my anger with my mom, because after i left the basic house, and went to the structure house. She was able to take my brothers home again. But i was left in foster care. That hurt me so much. Now, i just really want to come to terms with, well, i have a husband, and a child on the way, and if she had taken me back, I would never be where i am now. I'm such a better person. I would never have made all the achievments i've got now. :)
I think i'll end with that happy note. I've written more than i ever have. And, really, i don't even need to have this published. But i will so i can come back and read it myself.
NO NO NO, you don't have to read this. No one does. this is honestly a journal entry really. I just needed to be able to get some feelings or venting out. I feel so sad inside sometimes, and maybe it's because i don't let enough of those *gulps* emotions, get out. :) I like to think of Anger, is the only emotion that i have, because i literally FEEL weaker, when i'm actually crying, or hurting. Any emotion if it's not a happy one, or anger, is a sign of weakness to me. I do know subconsciuosly, that that's not true. I just don't know how to FEEL differently about emotions. ANYWAYS, here goes!
#1. I have this co worker, who, is one of those people, who you just love at first. And i really did. i loved her. However, something i did or said, set her off, and she de-friended me on facebook. Needless to say, it hurt my feelings, so much in fact, that i'm in denial, that she was ever a good person. It makes me wonder, what was going thru her mind, to just delete me and not talk to me about whatever it was that hurt her feelings, or what not. I want to know, but at the same time, i'm like, if i am not worth talking to about it, and it's okay with your feelings to just go and be passive aggressive and just delete me, then is it worth WANTING to be your friend? i'm not sure what to say. But, usually my first emotion is anger. So, the point with this paragraph is, It hurt my feelings. I pretended to not care, and just in return, hate and be mad at you. BUT, it did. it hurts my feelings to know that someone out there, doesn't like me enough, to talk to me about when i am offending them, or to try and keep our friendship.
*WIPES EYE BROW*
Woo. This is kinda tough actually.
#2
My husbands side of the family.
THEY MAKE ME SOOO MAD! ANd yes, this could be one of those "anger is hiding my true emotions deal" but right now, i'm just mad. oh and offended! His mom, isn't so bad. She's very polite, and very helpful, and whatnot. HOWEVER, she doesn't like me. And i don't know why. And, i think this is more my deal, than hers, but i hate it when people don't like me! (Does anyone else see a tiny Michael Scott inside of me when i say that??) And, i just don't understand it. I dont' know why i need to have people like me in order to be at peace. BUT, McCords aunt and Uncle, are just mean. I've tried talking to them, in person, and on facebook, etc. ANd, they're just ignoring my friendly questions or statements! They're just plain rude, and the thing is, is they were sooo nice to me, before we got married, and even more so before i got pregnant. McCord and I came up with this whole thing that maybe they hate us even more now that we're having a baby boy, (I can get pregnant easier than them, and they had a girl, not boy to carry on the family name) and that's just not fair to me, or McCord!
I had told McCord, maybe...after meeting them a few times, that, you know honey, i don't' think they like me. I can tell that they're just polite, and not friendly. And, he didn't believe me. Leaving me to just believe this by myself, and have no one to talk to or vent to about it. And, so, just recently, he was like, you know, i can see what you mean by you think they don't like you. they're not very nice to you at all, and my uncle doesn't even talk to me anymore. I was just so relieved that i wasn't hallucinating their rudeness, or anything! But I mean, they shouldn't be rude to their nephew if they don't like his wife. It made me feel bad that i'm the cause for dislike and odd feelings. However, i've blogged about it, lets see if i can feel a little better.
#3. I have this thing. I hate it when people, my friends, or family, have babies, without being married. NO I don't and probably won't be rude to you about it. But if you come to me and complain that, you had sex before marriage, and then realized, that's the biggest mistake you've ever made because now you're pregnant and don't know what to do, i'm not going to have much sympathy. I don't like that you are now, jepordizing your child's future, and life. That makes me mad. Just wait for the sex til you're married, and you're sure it's the right guy! I do make a point every now and again, when i'm talking to someone that's single and pregnant, to say that i am so glad i waited until after marriage. And that's another point, if you're married, and divorced, that's much different. You tried. And the thing is, if you're divorced, you're technically better, than a single mom. Because, granted i'm thinking maturely, and hopefully, you're going to be decent with whoever the father is, to make sure he's in your childs life. Which actually brings me to my next point:
#4 I'll NEVER forgive my mom, for taking me across the country to live away from my dad! I lost 10 years of having a father figure, and it's not to blame for any of my actions, but i just will never, never get those years back. I hate that. I miss my Dad every second i'm away. And i hate that i can't see him whenever i want. And as far as my brothers, they're fatherless. I'm sure that's something i can use to blame whatever i want on, but if my brother had a father figure in his life, i'm almost 110% sure, he wouldn't have had a child at the tender age of 16 and my littlest brother, is on his way to having multiple disorders, that i won't diagnose now, because i'm not a doctor, but i'm just scared for him. he needs his dad, and the 2 times that he's had the chance to go see him, have been foiled, by my mom and i'm just hating it. My dad, has met, my littlest brother 1 time. At my wedding. Tell me that's not heartbreaking.
#5. Lets go back to my mom. I hate hate hate, that i don't have a mother. And when i say that, yes, she's alive, yes she's here in provo, but she's not my mother. She's been diagnosed with Bipolar Schizoeffective disorder, as well as a few other things, like PTSD, and Depression. Well no crap. Well, because of these disorders, she's very hard to get along with. With anyone. She doesn't understand that my brother needs medication for his full body Eczema, and that they need therapy. She thinks she's the best person in the world for them, and really, it's not fair. She's not. I'm not saying I am, because there's no way i am, i'm not even a mom yet, but she's not supposed to be a parent. I am on the verge of tears because the other day, i had my brother over for a night. You know what i saw in him? My mother. He CAN'T be my mother! It will ruin him! She can't hold a job. She can't hold a savings account. She can't make ANY of her bills, because of this, and she's on 100% state and federal funds. It's terrible. My dad sends her money for child support every month, and she either has to catch up on the bills she's missed because she spent the money on an impulsive and stupid buy, or she has to buy more food, or clothing for my brothers. She can't hold school down. She can get excited for it tho. She will sign up for classes, and then go, a time or 2, and then realize, those voices she's hearing are either not supposed to be there, or are there because of her fear of people. I'm really venting here. I do hate her. I hate her because she's just one of those people who, thinks she's right about everything, and that on her pills, she's a normal person. That's not what those pills are for. She's more normal, YES. Definitely. But she's still someone who can't see, that "normal people" (people without the disabilities she has) aren't out to get her, or they're not mean, or unkind, they're just. ignorant of her disabilities. I remember, shopping with her, when i was little. We'd walk into a store, and if there was more than one person behind the counter, we'd have to leave immediately because they were planning on calling the CIA on her and or calling her names and taunting her. sometimes, it was the one person that set her off. She'd MAKE up another person in her mind, and then THEY would taunt and tease her. Therefore, i went the opposite way. I knew right away she wasn't right. But i never knew her diagnoses until i entered foster care.
#5. This is more a venting story, or a story of how i became who i am today if you will. I entered foster care about 14. And, was there til i was 18.5 yrs old. I had to hold a job for a few months, and prove i was ready to be out on my own. But, Here's the catcher. My brothers entered foster care, at about 4 and 10 years old. Because i was the oldest, i was told i was "Parentified" And that posed a big problem to let my mother, parent her children. Because she had depended on me, to go grocery shopping and or do anything in public for her, and then tend to the children (my brothers) so she could sleep all day in her room with a blanket over the window so no one could see her or spy on her. Which technically, i didn't know that doing all that, was depriving me of my childhood until i entered therapy once i was in foster care. Anyway, back to the beginning, my brothers went in with me, because my mom had an episode. She was found barefoot walking out side, and screaming at our neighbors, because they had cameras and microphones in her house and were recording her every move, and telling everyone else about it, and so, i came home after she had already called the police on her neighbors, and once i got there, the police weren't there yet, i only knew because they came after. She grabbed a bottle of some type of pills, and put a bunch in her hand, looked at me with the most hate she's ever looked at me with, and said, "This is for you." I actually didn't quite know what she was doing at the time. i've never quite gotten over that part i think. It's hard for me to know my own mother could hate me so much as a teenager, and try to commit suicide. Was i really that bad?
Anyway, that night, we were sent to a home in Mapleton, and she was sent to a Mental Hospital in Provo. The home i was sent to, Called, a shelter home. the parents were really nice, and i only remember the womans name. Jasmine. I can't remember the husbands name. But they were so sweet. Jasmine, however, had a miscarriage, and it became physically and mentally hard for her to care for 3 extra children in her home. So we were moved, to the Greens house, in Orem. The greens, almost immediatley, realized, something was wrong with me. I was too hard to handle, and was mean to anyone trying parent my brothers. They were my brothers, and therefore my responsibility. I also had no respect for men. What with having been abused by men, and not having a father, that just made it so easy for me to assume, all men were like that. So, i was a Hellian, and a big one. I understand that now. However, that home, The greens, was a basic foster care home. I needed a structured foster care home. And, I remember the family i was sent to, the mom was the main caregiver, and main structure person. I met her first, and when i met her, she told me (later on of course) that she could tell right away, I had been abused, she could tell what kind of abuse, and she could tell that i had NEVER had any help for it. Which was all true. That was her first order of business. I get into hardcore therapy ASAP. So, i did. I loved my first therapist. She was wonderful. Her name was Mandy. She helped me thru so much. And really, what i needed, what with losing my brothers, losing my mom, having to change schools, was a friend. And she was there for me. I'll never forget her. I feel so bad that i have lost contact with her, because she moved. I should have asked if i could write or something. She would have been an awesome friend to have now. I would have liked to show her, i wasn't completely messed up, and have grown up, gotten married, held a stable relationship, and job, and am having my own little one.
Anyway, i'm really, right now, trying to get over my anger with my mom, because after i left the basic house, and went to the structure house. She was able to take my brothers home again. But i was left in foster care. That hurt me so much. Now, i just really want to come to terms with, well, i have a husband, and a child on the way, and if she had taken me back, I would never be where i am now. I'm such a better person. I would never have made all the achievments i've got now. :)
I think i'll end with that happy note. I've written more than i ever have. And, really, i don't even need to have this published. But i will so i can come back and read it myself.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
It's A BOY!
Oh, it's a boy, and we're so excited! Although, once I started shopping for my little man, couldn't find much! Girl clothes are so much more plenty and i'm just getting a little sad that I have to order more and more online as opposed to just heading to walmart! I mean come on! Aren't they supposed to have everything? Well, stock up on the boy clothes! Anyway, here's some pics, and if I can upload that video of my ultrasound, I surely will!
Friday, April 23, 2010
The first picture of my unborn! :)
Okay, so here it is.Isn't it so cute!:) the head, is towards the top right star, and the bum is where the bottom left star is. :) So, that's how big it is, and that's how they determined my due date to be November 2nd. :) YAY! 
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Guess what?!?!?!??!?!??
I'm 8 weeks pregnant! WOO! GO me! :) Here's a pic of the positive test if anyone wants to see!
Friday, March 5, 2010
LOTS o Stuff Going On.
Lot's going on! Okay, so We're going to NJ, VA, DC, and NY, and i'm just sooooo stoked! We're going june 8th to the 22nd! It'll be awesome! We're moving in a week to the complex next door. Will post pics soon! I can't wait til I am in NY! It's going to be the most amazing experience. Besides giving birth of course. WOOT!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Some Pics for your MInd! :D
This is Missy In her CUTE Christmas Outfit. :D
UPDATE! 1-22-10
Hey Everyone! So, i totally have forgotten about this blog! Guess i better update it! :D HOw are y'all?! I'm doing good. McCord and I are in a house buying mood, and it's just soooo different! We've never thought about doing this before. So, we're totally looking at buying this house in Santaquin, and yeah. it'll be fun if we get it. No Where near a close closing process, but we're getting there. And, i'm in my, lets have a baby stage again! HAHA. I so love kids, i just go back and forth on wanting to give birth to one! My hair is black now, and i tried to put red, and because it's so black, it just doesn't look like i changed anything! GRR! My Niece, Nicholas' baby, who was adopted, is doing sooo great. I'm so glad for her. :D The couple is just so cute, and sweet. They chose a good couple. :D I'm still working Crest, and Preschool, although, the crest, is cut down to like, 10 hrs a week. Erin took a lot of my shifts, because she wanted them, and I get bored of working that much! :D BUt whatev! Mateo, and Nicks birthdays are coming up this month, and i'm trying to figure out what to do for Nick. He's a hard one. :( He always wants money, or game systems that end up being like 400 a piece. And, of course, i'm not made of money. ;) Missy Just went into heat, she's done, but oh my god that was soooo annoying! I was ready to throw her out in the snow! ARG! LOL. And, i've discovered another cake i like, just as much as the better than sex cake. It's just a peanut butter cup chocolate cake. SOo Yummy. And, i've also been more wifey..i think. I'm cleaning more, cooking more, baby hungry more. ETC. It's weird. Anyone got any good tips on cooking? I need some recipes to experiment with! :D Well, great catching up, I'll post a pic of McCord with his new hair cut. SUPER CUTE! And, Keep you updated on the house thing! And the baby thing!
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