The lessons you learn on your own, are the ones you keep throughout life.

The quote above, is one I said to a friend. A very good friend. I have very few friends I truly care about. He is one of them. He will always be a very good friend to me.

Now, on to my feelings. Since, this is honestly the ONLY place I really...let them out.
How come I can help and talk to anyone when they need it, but when it comes to my feelings...I clam up.
Sometimes I wonder why McCord can deal with my anger. I tend to get angry almost before any other emotion. As, most of you may know. But almost, every time, I feel like I can justify my anger. Then...there are times, right after the justification, that I feel awful. I feel...like, what has anyone done to me? Why am I like this? Why am I so mean to everyone I care about most?

I've decided....my feelings, need to be let out. I wish, I could just write a book. I wish, i had that motivation. to express, why i'm always, so angry. To ask, anyone and everyone who gets the sharp end of my knife, to please forgive me. And, understand, I don't mean to be unkind. I mean to really be loving. I just don't quite know how to show it.

Hopefully, i can get thru this entire post. I want to explain, why I think anger is my number 1 emotion. I feel...like, maybe, it's because, i've never fully come to realization, that not everyone on this planet, is the same. Deep down I know that. But it's just hard for me to accept it. Not everyone, wants to hurt me. I will someday, accept that.

Here's the base, of all my deep troubles.
I don't remember anything, before my 8th birthday. I have 1 memory of something that happened in what I believe is kindergarden, and something else, that I believe, MAY be a memory that I myself created.
But, because, when I was 8 years old. Something, that if anyone ever did to my beautiful baby boy, I would die. I would just hurt so bad inside, that my life..would not be a happy journey after that. I would vow to kill, and yes, I do mean KILL, anyone that did that to him.

When, I was 8 years old, my sexual abuse started. Some man, thought it right to be able work out any and all sexual fantasies, with me, and his neice. I don't remember his name. I don't know that I ever knew it. But...he is the one that it began with.

After the 1st time, i felt so...horrible, so guilty, for everything, I hid it. From anyone that it could have mattered to. My parents, the police...everyone. No one knew a thing. But..after that...it didn't stop, until i was around 14 years old.

I never..NEVER, told my mom or my dad a word. I still, won't talk to them, I don't even know if they know anything about it. I honestly, don't know anyone if anyone knows any of the details.

To this day, I still feel guilty. I feel like it's my fault, I feel like i deserved abuse for 6 years....i feel like, those 6 years....were something that I should never forgive myself for. And I hate myself for it.
I can't stand, knowing, that somewhere inside me, I need to hate that man, who started it. Or, every other man, after that. But I honestly..don't. I hate myself.
It's so hard. I can't do therapy. Once someone gets to know me, I clam up. I start to hate them. I start to hate that they know what's wrong with me. That they know what I can do to forgive myself, for when I was 8, to respect my elders, and let them tell me what to do. I begin, to lie..to everyone, to myself, the therapist, everyone. Then...it's pointless. I want to be healed. I do. I just can't stand the process, of rehashing everything and then, working through it.
You know, everytime I cry, I hate myself for it. I don't know, if McCord, in our 2.5 years of marriage, has seen me cry more than 5 times. MAX.

What could possibly be so hard about knowing that I'M really, not supposed to be at fault?



The many men, that abused me, that knew better, blame should really be on them.
But seeing as i'm actually really hard to get to know, at age 14.. when My mom looked at me, and said, this is for you, (blaming it on me) as she tried to commit suicide....that was the moment, that changed me for the better. That was the moment, my life turned around. I was placed in foster care, when the police came, and decided, she was to go to the mental hospital. Then when she got out, my brothers, were able to go back. I was not. And, that's because, of all her mental disabilities, that caused her to not be able to parent me, I was an awful child. I thought everything she was doing, was wrong, and that I wanted a better life. I was a very, driven child. Very stubborn. So, i made life hard, for the both of us.
But once i was placed into foster care, I didn't want anyone to get close to me. after the 1st 2 homes, they decided, my lifestyle, my ways, were to be better helped, in a structured home. That's the difference between, a normal home, where one can live like a family, and love and the kids follow rules, and the parents love them...you know, an Easy home, and where I lived. Me. I was placed in a home, where I was to be monitored 24/7, and therapy, was REQUIRED, and I was placed, in an alternative high school. You know the kind, Where only Pregnant girls and druggies go. Yes, I had to be there. There began the teenage stage of provocative, aggressive awkward yet trying to fit in times began.
What also began, was, my foster mom, at the time, (Let's call her Emily) , told me, she could tell I had been abused. For the 1st time, someone knew, what had happened. And, someone told someone else....and someone else, asked me, if they could do a full report. I again, am not an open person. Not about that. Not....details. I can't do it. But, she knew. She tried to get me to talk about it. So, what did i do? I ruined, the best home for me. I will never forgive myself for that. Even now, I can tell, she will not talk to me the way she used to. For the first time, in my 3rd home, that I had felt loved, I screwed it up. So i became, evil, and then I was forced out of the home. Forced out because I had to be moved Immediately, and it was my fault. Basically, I complained and complained about how hard she was on me, and then, when I start to warm up to the family and everything, then I get told i'm being moved. That was actually really hard on me. PLUS, i moved to a home, an hour away, so my boyfriend, and school, and everything, i never got to say goodbye...nothing. I'm just told to pack, I did it in what, 20 min? And then i'm on my way...to a town, where cows overrun people...and the population, is only 250...MAX.

So then, I have to start in my 4th high school...which starts at Spanish fork high, a good, 40 min away from home. But i'm not mainstreamed, I'm alternative. so...i'm doing packets with all the preggos, and the brats, and the guys who are just....well, Guys..

So, after a while, i'm told, that this high school, is not the place. So, i end up getting transferred to Payson high.

So to sum it all up, Sexual abuse, never fitting into a family, whether it's my fault, or theirs, never fitting into a school, because i'm moved too often, and then being a Parentified, provocative, bully type teenager, is honestly, probably why i'm so angry still all the time. I haven't had the proper outlet of anger, and i need to have one. I don't know if this will help...since it's me typing it out, and not working it out...but I can try.

If anyone has any...advice...minus therapy..i'd love it. What can i do to let these feelings go? Why are they still there after all those years? I'm happy...truly, i am...i just..have depression, and a bunch of other crap to go along with it, and in my most down moments, i get scary. I STILL get self destructive like i used to be. I STILL get violent, and I still hold it all in. I may not act on those, but  i still feel those things. trust me, i let things out in weird ways...so i don't get violent with my family..or...actually hurt myself....That i haven't done for a few years. But the feelings...they're still there. UGh!

Help?