My new life.

I'm getting the hang of this. Being a mom...with a new job, it's going great. I've decided, I don't necessarily like the age group (or kids) i work with, but the teacher, and the other aide, make it a little fun. I haven't wanted to admit it, because I just really miss everyone, from preschool, from PEEP... but it's not a terrible place. Lunch breaks could be longer. It's kinda hard to go to work 5 days a week, and then pump for 15-20 min, and have 10 min to eat, and whatnot. I liked being able to go and get me food from wherever.

Anyway, Xander, is doing great.Here's him in the bath. He totally has a ball. He loves it.

Sad! I can't upload the video. Let me or Alisha, figure this out!

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1843806540108&comments 

Therefore, i have a little fun giving them to him. I like to watch him play. :)


Now, here's my drama of the week. I have this buddy. I've known since, I think Junior year in high school at LEAST, and I was chatting with him, and said, Oh i'll show you "this" we can go together. His response? That would be inappropriate. I'm like, what? He's like, Well, it's different now because you're married. I was so hurt, that I ended up just getting off and being so sad for the rest of the night. McCord and I talked about it, and he said, I wonder if he is just thinking of me (McCord) and making sure he's not trying to offend me. I didn't care. My thought was, it's not worth it to hang out with me because i'm not Available?! I couldn't believe it. So, I got on FB 2 days later, and so did he. He asked me, "Did I upset you?" And I proceeded to tell him all the things i've had time to think about why this hurt me so much. He told me, over and over again, he was sorry, and that he didn't mean to hurt me. His one thing that drove me crazy, was, he said, "What if people thought something?" My response? You care too much about what other people think. I told him it's not fair for him to care of what other people think about. ESPECIALLY, if you have no relationship with them. Then what's the point in caring what they think?


So, that's my story. Here's my question. Do you ever not do something because of what Other people may think? Who's it hurting? I may be open, and tell you that it hurts my feelings/pisses me off, but others might not. Be honest. That's the least you can do. I'm sure I do something like this too, but I haven't thought of it.


So, McCord never reads my blog, so i'm safe. BUT, I need ideas for his 21st birthday. I have always wanted to surprise him with a trip. But he's so flippen  picky, I have no idea what i'd do. :( Any ideas? Doesn't even have to be a trip. I'd just like something fun, and memorable! He always does nice things for me and i always flop on his B-day. :( His Birthday is April 2nd btw.


Oh, another question. Has anyone ever like, had their baby, and then realized how much they're criticized? Oh my hell it drives me crazy! I'm actually, pulling away from people now, that criticize and i'm just not seeing some of my friends half as much. It's just...i hate it! Well, and I have this overwhelming feeling, that if i don't trust you, i hate that you want to hold my child. I'm not naming names. But, some people, keep holding my child, and i just...it's not even a Can i? it's a oh, come here...to Xander. So they're not asking permission, (which i love when you do) they're grabbing and holding, and i'm too nice to kick your ass. Ugh. I know i know, rude. I don't care. Sometimes, i don't care when i'm rude.

Oh, my wii, freaking said i was 20 lbs less, than before i got prego. That's right, that's a number to be proud of right?

Well then it said Xander was 20 lbs. :(

Broke my heart a little to know it wasn't accurate.

That's all for now. TTYL! Also, Annie, I hate you for not commenting. Thanks to Alisha, for ALWAYS commenting. Mwuauauhahahahah

Little things to say about Xander

Xanders doing so many new things lately, that it's just...a mixture between a sad and happy time. I really want him to stop growing so fast, because i really enjoy this baby stage, and i know that before i know it, he'll be ready to go to school...etc. So, it's exciting in a sense, to watch my baby grow, but sad that it's happening so fast.

One little thing Xander is starting to smile when crying. Let me clarify. He will cry, and i'll do something to make him happy again...like, play with his feet, and he'll smile, i can tell it makes him happy, but then, he'll cry. it's like, he doesn't want to be happy, but he's trying so hard to cry. LOL. it's the cutest thing ever.
One little thing is Xander makes the most perfect pout when he cries. Sometimes, it's you know, his normal cry, and other times, he has this little face.

Usually leads into this.

Now...i just want to clarify. I didn't make him cry for this picture. I don't make my child cry intentionally. He actually wants to be walked around with. So, what happened, was the 1st picture, i was holding him and sat down in the recliner, and that's the pout. Then, the 2nd time, i put him down on the bed and went and did something... and took a picture when i went back in to get him since he had started to cry.

Either way, no matter what my baby is doing, he's the cutest baby in the world to me.

One little thing... Xander is so funny about the car. He HATES being put into the carseat. BUT...he doesn't mind once i pick up the car seat, and we're moving. It's funny, i sit in the back with him, in case he needs help, and so i've looked at his car seat all the time. it doesn't look like it's moving much, but a little vibration. BUT, if we stop moving, and he's awake, usually he doesn't like that. As long as he's moving, he's good. It's kinda funny.

One little thing. I've noticed, his head is growing. he's getting a ring around his head, and the top of his head is going bald. So...hopefully he grows his hair in soon. he's getting a bumpy head. Which, everyone said he had the perfect little head. So i hope his head doesn't get too lumpy.

One little thing...I still hate you. You...mean woman. I really hate that you're in the position you're in. Seriously hope, that for other people's sakes, you're not in it long.

One little thing.. Xander laughed in his sleep, for the first time ever. It was the cutest noise, in the whole wide world. Made me tear up. i can't stand how cute my boy is. BTW...just for record, it was on 1/17/11.
:)

ANNIE!

Annie has pretty much been one of my best friends, since...maybe the 2nd week we worked together. I just love her guts. I can't stand how funny she is, and how we are always sarcastic together and how she always gets my lame jokes. I love how clumsy, and spacey she is, totally makes who she is. She's the best person i know. I want her to know, i didn't forget about her. I actually, deleted her, on accident. If anything, you're number 1. I miss working with you, and i hope we do soon. I love you annie!

The Momens and Actions that define Where we go in life.

Here's an update. My life, has taken a dramatic turn. Everything was going so great, then, Xander came out into the world. Don't read that wrong. I love him so much, i'd do anything for him, and he isn't a regret whatsoever. It's just that after he was born, things seemed to go down. 1st, my job at crest, somehow, wasn't secure. I wasn't scheduled anymore. So, i lost a job. I'm still technically on the payroll, but, i have no shifts. What the hell is that. 2nd, When i came back to work, the teacher in the morning, decided, she'd make my life a living hell. Thanks. there are so many things i want to say, and it just..kills me, that she's in the position she's in. Well, that's my ranting. Here's me moving on.

I'm starting another job in the district, and it's going to be with Pam. I'll update when i find out, exactly what the job is. I have an idea..but you know. I'd like more details. :) Anyway, so we're going to see how that goes. If, it comes out to be, that i hate this job, i'll continue my search for another job. I have a couple leads on jobs, and i'll get to those, if i hate this job. However, if i like it, so be it.

So, I'd really like to keep track of a couple things. The people i've been able to trust and talk to during this whole ordeal, have really showed me that, I'm cared about. And thank goodness for that. I can't stand wondering if people care. And all along, i've cared about these people as well. BUT, i have a thing with emotions, i don't always show them. well, a few of you have had the opportunity to see, they've been showing quite often lately. Which is fine. I really should work on expressing more emotions. Well, expressing more than just anger, which, i think i'm doing a good job at. The last few months of my pregnancy up to now, i've done good.

Now, onto the people that have helped me so much in the last 2 or so months.
Pamela Colson. You're always there, with honest advice. thanks so much!
Alisha Peters. You're such a great woman, and I love talking to you!
Beth Hardman. Best..Landlord...EVER! Seriously. Love being able to get close to you and your family.
Kris Handrahan. We've known each other for years, and have just barely started to talk and get to know each other. I love it. I think you're one of the sweetest women ever.
Raquel. Come to think of it. I don't think i know your last name. But, you're such a nice woman, and so great to talk to. I loved working with you.
Brenda hanks. You're the best. I hope you and I can get to know each other better,because boy do i enjoy your company!
Mccord. Oh man. he deals with the brute of it. he comes home, and is nothing but the best husband. He always listens to me, and is by my side. I'm so grateful for him.
If i haven't mentioned you, i'm probably just spacing it. I'm grateful for everyone who listens to me babble :)

Now...on to eat some banana bread.

Little quick bit

Just realized i gotta post some stuff. I'm sure people get sick of reading how many FB status's i can post in a day, so, i'll post a few here, and hopefully get it outta my system.

#1-I just realized, about...an hour ago. I don't eat very much anymore. I totally don't get as hungry as i did when i was pregnant, and now i literally FORGET to eat. I need to eat if i'm breastfeeding, but sometimes, i just totally space it! Sad huh.

#2- I don't pee half as much as i used to! We're using less toilet paper as a result, and i'm super excited to be saving that money!

#3-We went grocery shopping today..spent 88 dollars. That's right....that's IT! Hopefully the hole me not being as hungry was a contributer..so i'm glad! We saved money not having a pregnant shopper!

#4-I've been in baking mood lately. I have seriously made Peppermint bark maybe 3 times now? And, some cakes, 1 of which i completely ruined when putting the icing on top. But..it's quite fun! Any easy recipes people can throw to me? :)

#5-Xander....will not be put down very often. He loves to be walked around with. Which, can get sooo tiring. He for the past couple weeks, will choose a few days, to cry when he's tired, and so, the only thing that calms him, and us, is walking around in circles in our apt. And then, if he falls asleep, and we don't wait long enough to put him on his back...he wakes right the heck up. Sometimes, we have to let him fall asleep on his belly, and then put him on his back. Which, is the right way he's supposed to sleep, but again, he wakes up and SCREAMS til he's all shades of red, til he's back on his belly. Which brings me to number6.

#6- He has a bassinet. Does he like to sleep in it? NO. He likes to sleep with mom and dad. And i can't stand him crying. makes me feel all sorts of sadness. So..i let him sleep with us. Which, sometimes, i love it, other times, i just wish he'd sleep by himself. Makes me sleep lighter, to avoid crushing him, or letting him fall off the bed, which, i'm terrified will happen. I'm actually a pretty good sleeper. Will wake up to movement or sounds he makes, so i'm pretty sure it won't happen..but that thought is still in my head.

All done for now. If i think of more...i'll post another one.

Some pictures!

                                                      "What? I know i'm cute."

                                                     "Hey Good Lookin'"

                                                                            My first Christmas!

                                                   Hangin Loose Man.

                                                                  My Chubby Smile. ;)

                                                       My Bum is clean. Of course i'm happy.

                                                                    My Family.

Scared to upload too many since my buddy Alisha said there's a limit on space on blog..but I've gotta putsome of my fave pics up.

Seriously?

Okay, so Xander is 2 months old now! I can't believe how fast it's gone. I'm worried he'll grow up, and i'll be sad it's gone by so fast. I want him to stay this little forever! But, since that's not realistic, i guess i'll spend as much time with him as possible. He's growing so much, he's 9 lbs and 15.5 oz now, and he's getting some rolls on his legs! His hands are getting chubby too. I think it's adorable. He is starting to just cry when he's tired. Beth told me to allow natural light in the apt when it's day time, to help get him on a schedule, so we try that as much as possible, but sometimes i just forget or we're so busy that i just don't do it. He's also into this thing where, he wants to be held, all the time. And sometimes, that's not enough. He wants to be walked around with, and if he's tired, he'll scream until we're walking around with him, until he's fallen asleep. That's probably the hardest part. Not wanting him to cry. So we try everything possible, to get him to stop, but i've come to terms with, he may just have to cry. So, a couple times, i've had to just lay him on the bed, wrap him so he's warm, and leave him alone. He isn't a fan of that..but he'll cry himself to sleep and for me, that's so...agonizing. But i'd rather do that then get super frustrated and do something i'll regret, whatever that may be. Another thing that drives me crazy, is he will not sleep on his back, about..75% of the time. And i can't tell you how many times i've been stressed, that that's the way for him to sleep. So..if i want him to sleep for more than half an hour, i have to either be holding him, so he's on his belly, but on my chest, or...put him on his side. I don't know how to fix that. :(
In a separate note. I'm looking for a new job. I've been searching online, and looking for hiring signs. Not....like, extreme, seeing as how i do have a job, but to the point to where i'm at least filling out an application every 3 days or so. That can be annoying, but i'm seriously considering a new job and if it pays more, make it permanent. If not...then just until the next school year depending on circumstances. I'm having a super hard time at the preschool and it's not getting better. I've suggested a move into a new class, and the principal didn't seem to think it was a good idea. So..if i don't move into this new classroom, or if the teacher doesn't give me a break..i may have a cow. I really don't think it's that bad of an idea. But, hence the job searching. A just in case type of thing.
Back to our family, McCord, is such a great dad. I can't believe how cute he is with his little boy. I knew he'd be a good dad, but he's even better than i thought. Watching those two together, it's just so sweet. I hope i'm a good mom. I never know. I put pictures and statuses on FB and usually i just get criticize. It hurts my feelings that people think having a child is an invitation to be criticized all the time. For me, i don't think i'd ever...EVER, criticize, unless the parent was doing something that was dangerous to the child's life. Drives me crazy. I usually delete whatever post that created that little itch in someone else to tell me what i'm doing wrong, but seriously, can't stand it even after it's gone. I totally don't mind advice, when I've asked for it. But, if i post a picture of my baby, and all you can see is what i'm doing wrong, i feel like you're mean. In which case, i'll probably just ignore you.

Enough ranting. let me explain my awesome Christmas!
#1. I feel like, when i was little, my mom would try her damnedest to give us kids the best christmas ever. So, when i was placed in foster care, and foster moms would ship you elsewhere to spend christmas with their family...it was ruined for me. I was actually pretty much a bah humbug until McCord came along. then, it was great again. Now..add Xander into the mix. It was sooo much fun!
Now, Xander will probably not remember this christmas, or the next 2 or 3. BUT!! I want to make them so much fun for our family. I want him to LOVE christmas.
This year, we wanted to spend all of christmas together. Since McCord had to work, I went down with him. Had me some free breakfast, and spent as much of his work shift, with him. Xander was with me, and pretty much kept me company til he was off work. Once he was off, we went down to his mom's house, and we all got ready to go to Levan, which is 45 min southwest of Payson. That's right, even more south than i'm used to. Anyway, we spent a good hour or so there, with his aunt and uncle, and their little girl, and his grandparents, and his mom and sister. Then, after we started to get a little hungry, we took off, to have dinner at his moms. We had a great dinner, and did Christmas with them too! Then, McCord and I took Xander home, and spent the evening chatting, going through presents, and cleaning up. It was perfect. Yes, i love getting presents. I don't care if it's something you hated and passed onto me, the thought is what gets me. You thought of me! I love it. ;) So, McCord, gave me a great Cross with cubic zirconia in the middle, and some earrings to match, and some peace sign earrings, and another heart necklace and the movie Eclipse. Perfect? Yes. I'd agree. And, I got him the shoes of his choice, and some hot chocolate, and some shirts. I let him pick out his own shoes because well, he needed shoes, and he's kinda picky. ;) We gave Xander, tons of clothes, and pretty much spoil him anyway. So, there we go. We even got him this little tux onsie from walmart, and a tux bib to go with, for New years. I"ll post pics of it once he wears it.

I TOTALLY CANNOT Believe how fast time has gone. I am excited for tax season. I love getting taxes. Gets me a little more out of debt each year. This year, we're focusing on a new car, and completely paying off a couple things. Hopefully, with things going good this year, we'll be able to buy a new house by the end of the year. I'm really praying things work out that way. I need a car that will work, and i would love to bring Xander up in a house. Well, enough for now...so, TTYL Diary. (Seriously, i think of this blog as a freaking diary.)