Feelings

So here's the deal. I have problems. We all do. However, for me, i used to LOVE LOVE LOVE writing about them. I've forgotten about that writing and releasing emotion that way. And in the course, i think i've bottled some feelings up! Let me get them out here, and lets see how i feel after.

NO NO NO, you don't have to read this. No one does. this is honestly a journal entry really. I just needed to be able to get some feelings or venting out. I feel so sad inside sometimes, and maybe it's because i don't let enough of those *gulps* emotions, get out. :) I like to think of Anger, is the only emotion that i have, because i literally FEEL weaker, when i'm actually crying, or hurting. Any emotion if it's not a happy one, or anger, is a sign of weakness to me. I do know subconsciuosly, that that's not true. I just don't know how to FEEL differently about emotions. ANYWAYS, here goes!

#1. I have this co worker, who, is one of those people, who you just love at first. And i really did. i loved her. However, something i did or said, set her off, and she de-friended me on facebook. Needless to say, it hurt my feelings, so much in fact, that i'm in denial, that she was ever a good person. It makes me wonder, what was going thru her mind, to just delete me and not talk to me about whatever it was that hurt her feelings, or what not. I want to know, but at the same time, i'm like, if i am not worth talking to about it, and it's okay with your feelings to just go and be passive aggressive and just delete me, then is it worth WANTING to be your friend? i'm not sure what to say. But, usually my first emotion is anger. So, the point with this paragraph is, It hurt my feelings. I pretended to not care, and just in return, hate and be mad at you. BUT, it did. it hurts my feelings to know that someone out there, doesn't like me enough, to talk to me about when i am offending them, or to try and keep our friendship.
 *WIPES EYE BROW*
Woo. This is kinda tough actually.

#2
My husbands side of the family.

THEY MAKE ME SOOO MAD! ANd yes, this could be one of those "anger is hiding my true emotions deal" but right now, i'm just mad. oh and offended! His mom, isn't so bad. She's very polite, and very helpful, and whatnot. HOWEVER, she doesn't like me. And i don't know why. And, i think this is more my deal, than hers, but i hate it when people don't like me!  (Does anyone else see a tiny Michael Scott inside of me when i say that??) And, i just don't understand it. I dont' know why i need to have people like me in order to be at peace. BUT, McCords aunt and Uncle, are just mean. I've tried talking to them, in person, and on facebook, etc. ANd, they're just ignoring my friendly questions or statements! They're just plain rude, and the thing is, is they were sooo nice to me, before we got married, and even more so before i got pregnant. McCord and I came up with this whole thing that maybe they hate us even more now that we're having a baby boy, (I can get pregnant easier than them, and they had a girl, not boy to carry on the family name) and that's just not fair to me, or McCord!

I had told McCord, maybe...after meeting them a few times, that, you know honey, i don't' think they like me. I can tell that they're just polite, and not friendly. And, he didn't believe me. Leaving me to just believe this by myself, and have no one to talk to or vent to about it. And, so, just recently, he was like, you know, i can see what you mean by you think they don't like you. they're not very nice to you at all, and my uncle doesn't even talk to me anymore. I was just so relieved that i wasn't hallucinating their rudeness, or anything! But I mean, they shouldn't be rude to their nephew if they don't like his wife. It made me feel bad that i'm the cause for dislike and odd feelings. However, i've blogged about it, lets see if i can feel a little better.

#3. I have this thing. I hate it when people, my friends, or family, have babies, without being married. NO I don't and probably won't be rude to you about it. But if you come to me and complain that, you had sex before marriage, and then realized, that's the biggest mistake you've ever made because now you're pregnant and don't know what to do, i'm not going to have much sympathy. I don't like that you are now, jepordizing your child's future, and life. That makes me mad. Just wait for the sex til you're married, and you're sure it's the right guy! I do make a point every now and again, when i'm talking to someone that's single and pregnant, to say that i am so glad i waited until after marriage. And that's another point, if you're married, and divorced, that's much different. You tried. And the thing is, if you're divorced, you're technically better, than a single mom. Because, granted i'm thinking maturely, and hopefully, you're going to be decent with whoever the father is, to make sure he's in your childs life. Which actually brings me to my next point:

#4 I'll NEVER forgive my mom, for taking me across the country to live away from my dad! I lost 10 years of having a father figure, and it's not to blame for any of my actions, but i just will never, never get those years back. I hate that. I miss my Dad every second i'm away. And i hate that i can't see him whenever i want. And as far as my brothers, they're fatherless. I'm sure that's something i can use to blame whatever i want on, but if my brother had a father figure in his life, i'm almost 110% sure, he wouldn't have had a child at the tender age of 16 and my littlest brother, is on his way to having multiple disorders, that i won't diagnose now, because i'm not a doctor, but i'm just scared for him. he needs his dad, and the 2 times that he's had the chance to go see him, have been foiled, by my mom and i'm just hating it. My dad, has met, my littlest brother 1 time. At my wedding. Tell me that's not heartbreaking.

#5. Lets go back to my mom. I hate hate hate, that i don't have a mother. And when i say that, yes, she's alive, yes she's here in provo, but she's not my mother. She's been diagnosed with Bipolar Schizoeffective disorder, as well as a few other things, like PTSD, and Depression. Well no crap. Well, because of these disorders, she's very hard to get along with. With anyone. She doesn't understand that my brother needs medication for his full body Eczema, and that they need therapy. She thinks she's the best person in the world for them, and really, it's not fair. She's not. I'm not saying I am, because there's no way i am, i'm not even a mom yet, but she's not supposed to be a parent. I am on the verge of tears because the other day, i had my brother over for a night. You know what i saw in him? My mother. He CAN'T be my mother! It will ruin him! She can't hold a job. She can't hold a savings account. She can't make ANY of her bills, because of this, and she's on 100% state and federal funds. It's terrible. My dad sends her money for child support every month, and she either has to catch up on the bills she's missed because she spent the money on an impulsive and stupid buy, or she has to buy more food, or clothing for my brothers. She can't hold school down. She can get excited for it tho. She will sign up for classes, and then go, a time or 2, and then realize, those voices she's hearing are either not supposed to be there, or are there because of her fear of people. I'm really venting here. I do hate her. I hate her because she's just one of those people who, thinks she's right about everything, and that on her pills, she's a normal person. That's not what those pills are for. She's more normal, YES. Definitely. But she's still someone who can't see, that "normal people" (people without the disabilities she has) aren't out to get her, or they're not mean, or unkind, they're just. ignorant of her disabilities. I remember, shopping with her, when i was little. We'd walk into a store, and if there was more than one person behind the counter, we'd have to leave immediately because they were planning on calling the CIA on her and or calling her names and taunting her. sometimes, it was the one person that set her off. She'd MAKE up another person in her mind, and then THEY would taunt and tease her. Therefore, i went the opposite way. I knew right away she wasn't right. But i never knew her diagnoses until i entered foster care.


#5. This is more a venting story, or a story of how i became who i am today if you will. I entered foster care about 14. And, was there til i was 18.5 yrs old. I had to hold a job for a few months, and prove i was ready to be out on my own. But, Here's the catcher. My brothers entered foster care, at about 4 and 10 years old. Because i was the oldest, i was told i was "Parentified" And that posed a big problem to let my mother, parent her children. Because she had depended on me, to go grocery shopping and or do anything in public for her, and then tend to the children (my brothers) so she could sleep all day in her room with a blanket over the window so no one could see her or spy on her. Which technically, i didn't know that doing all that, was depriving me of my childhood until i entered therapy once i was in foster care. Anyway, back to the beginning, my brothers went in with me, because my mom had an episode. She was found barefoot walking out side, and screaming at our neighbors, because they had cameras and microphones in her house and were recording her every move, and telling everyone else about it, and so, i came home after she had already called the police on her neighbors, and once i got there, the police weren't there yet, i only knew because they came after. She grabbed a bottle of some type of pills, and put a bunch in her hand, looked at me with the most hate she's ever looked at me with, and said, "This is for you." I actually didn't quite know what she was doing at the time. i've never quite gotten over that part i think. It's hard for me to know my own mother could hate me so much as a teenager, and try to commit suicide. Was i really that bad?
Anyway, that night, we were sent to a home in Mapleton, and she was sent to a Mental Hospital in Provo. The home i was sent to, Called, a shelter home. the parents were really nice, and i only remember the womans name. Jasmine. I can't remember the husbands name. But they were so sweet. Jasmine, however, had a miscarriage, and it became physically and mentally hard for her to care for 3 extra children in her home. So we were moved, to the Greens house, in Orem. The greens, almost immediatley, realized, something was wrong with me. I was too hard to handle, and was mean to anyone trying parent my brothers. They were my brothers, and therefore my responsibility. I also had no respect for men. What with having been abused by men, and not having a father, that just made it so easy for me to assume, all men were like that. So, i was a Hellian, and a big one. I understand that now. However, that home, The greens, was a basic foster care home. I needed a structured foster care home. And, I remember the family i was sent to, the mom was the main caregiver, and main structure person. I met her first, and when i met her, she told me (later on of course) that she could tell right away, I had been abused, she could tell what kind of abuse, and she could tell that i had NEVER had any help for it. Which was all true. That was her first order of business. I get into hardcore therapy ASAP. So, i did. I loved my first therapist. She was wonderful. Her name was Mandy. She helped me thru so much. And really, what i needed, what with losing my brothers, losing my mom, having to change schools, was a friend. And she was there for me. I'll never forget her. I feel so bad that i have lost contact with her, because she moved. I should have asked if i could write or something. She would have been an awesome friend to have now. I would have liked to show her, i wasn't completely messed up, and have grown up, gotten married, held a stable relationship, and job, and am having my own little one.
Anyway, i'm really, right now, trying to get over my anger with my mom, because after i left the basic house, and went to the structure house. She was able to take my brothers home again. But i was left in foster care. That hurt me so much. Now, i just really want to come to terms with, well, i have a husband, and a child on the way, and if she had taken me back, I would never be where i am now. I'm such a better person. I would never have made all the achievments i've got now. :)

I think i'll end with that happy note. I've written more than i ever have. And, really, i don't even need to have this published. But i will so i can come back and read it myself.