What exactly is the perfect marriage? For me? It's the one that doesn't exist. That sounds terrible, but I believe, every marriage has it's flaws, and fuck ups. Sometimes, you ignore those issues.. Sometimes, they HAVE to be brought to certain level of out in the open, because you just can't take it anymore.. and sometimes, you just deal with it. How does one just, deal with certain things, when YOU, partaker in said marriage, HAS NO idea what to do? This is so hard. UGH. I never KNEW in a million years, marriage, would be so tough.
So, No one reads my blog anyway right? I can say ANYTHING.... Right? Ok. Fine.
Here goes.
McCord and I just.. never fight. So, when we do, it's huge. But here's the kicker, it's always my fault. Now, normally, after something like that being said, I'd put LOL but, I don't want to. It's not funny. What's wrong with me that every time we DO fight, it's because I'm bored, or I need attention, or whatever? I'm starting to feel like, I'm too messed up to even be in a relationship right now. Relationships are for those... that are healthy right? Or maybe, Slightly screwed... but me? Ugh.
Right now? Our fight stems from the attention I get from other guys. I don't ignore it. I Like it. Weird right? Well, I think the thing is, is, I don't get enough from McCord, OR maybe I just require WAyyY too much for that kid to handle... Anyway, So I take any and all attention I get from close guy friends. Which, isn't always appropriate or good. For me, I always thought it was ok, because it didn't mean anything. It just meant, I was getting the attention I needed. Now, I wonder, if that's why I got married Soooo young. 19, is a bit stupid don't you think? Jeez.
But, What's funny is, I LOVE the idea of being married. I LOVE it. I love, the idea of the perfect family... with the perfect place to live, etc. BUT... Is it worth it for both parties, if that person, seeks what they want/need elsewhere?
Yes, Yes, some of you will read this and think I'm a terrible person, and you know what? That's ok. Leave now while I have other things on my mind and don't notice. That's totally fine. But don't leave when I call your name like, a month later and say I need you.
For those of you that stick around... Thank you.
One of my friends told me, It's ok to be content in a marriage... that happiness isn't necessairly what's needed. Let's hope that's true. Because, I think, McCord Is the perfect match for me. Let's just hope HE Wants to stick this one out with me.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Married+Opposite sex Friends=RULE BOOK!
Please, TAKE the time to tell me what you think about the opposite sex, being a close friend of yours. Have you ever really taken the time to think about, what the consequences might be, or What it could mean to you, if something does happen?
Here's my thoughts on the matter.
It's perfectly acceptable, in the 21st century. The incredible amount of growth, society itself has come upon, a great amount of leniency. Thank goodness. Because, If I had been best friends with a guy, back say, 20, 30 yrs ago, (purely based on hearsay, not knowledge, because well, let's face it, i'm clearly only 23), I am SURE it would have created SO many more problems.
Yes, While, it's acceptable nowadays, IS IT SMART?
Smart? Is That even a thing, of this generation? I look around me, and All I seem to be able to see, is, Laziness, obtuseness, and Even lacking any real motivation. I swear to whoever I believe in, I think we all sit around, and do what we like, and if we don't have what we like, we wait for someone to do it for us. Really?
Anyway, Back to the point, Is Being friends, with the opposite sex, WHILE you're Married, or in an otherwise, committed relationship, Smart?
I really, haven't decided this quite yet. While, I have one myself, I certainly think, we've made a few errors along the way. Which, I DO think, are entirely avoidable, Which, IS why, I've decided, a FEW rules, for such a friendship, Should absolutely, be in play.
I have a best friend, that we'll Jacob. Now, My friend, and I love other people. Don't get me wrong, we love each other as well, but, As far as ROMANTIC LOVE, it remains to be absent in this platonic relationship.
Let's create some rules together. For everyone to follow. I'm going over what I have so far. NO, These rules I don't believe, are in any kind of order, I'm kind of just winging it here.
RULE #1: The absolute thing I'm sure of, Is, Be aware of both sides of boundaries. It's 100% avoidable, to feel like, you HAVE to do anything, just because of the gender of said comrade. Which, I don't know about any other girls, But sometimes, social conformity has lead me to believe that I have to act a certain way, because there's a "gentleman present", or because, males, are the alpha sex, of this world. Want to have a friend, of the opposite sex, while you're otherwise committed? Have boundaries, and be aware of what your friend is ok with, and NOT ok with.
Rule #2: What's your motive? IF you don't know, DECIDE! Is your motive, to have that relationship? Close buds? Or... is your motive, a back up, in case your current commitment, fails? I can say, I've honestly, kept a close relationship in the past because, I thought, maybe, my relationship wouldn't work out, and this could be my backup. Which, Was TERRIBLE. Because, clearly, neither of those relationships worked out anyway. If your motive, isn't 100% great, DON'T commit to anything with that friend. Don't... say, completely ignore the pour soul, BUT, just, don't find yourself in a vulnerable situation, you may otherwise regret. Originally, My motive for being friends with Jacob, was, because I felt responsible for him. I felt like, I needed to be there for him whenever he needed me, to vent, or, if he needed me to help him along with something, I wanted to be that person. I wanted to help him, and be his friend.
My Motives, have since, changed, and flip flopped, however, RIGHT now, they remain, to keep close to him, so if he needs anything, He could come to me. I have this craving, to be able to help people whenever I can. Which, yes, I know, admitting out loud, could prove poor for myself, however, That's my thing. I LOVE helping. My 2nd personal motive, for this particular relationship is, I LOVE having this guy friend, I can count on, TO respect my boundaries, which, let's all face it, IS SOOOO hard to come by right now. Legit MEN. While this may prove easier for some girls, it's not easy for me to find someone who does end up trying to disrespect me somehow. Jacob, is a pure soul. He won't ever act that way. So, Recap? Decide if your motive, is 100% honest with everyone involved.
Rule #3: Tell your committed other, EVERYTHING. NO secrets. Why would you do that anyway? It's uncalled for. My husband, truthfully, knows everything about my friendship with Jacob. He tells me how he feels about it, and, tells me he trusts Jacob. What's funny, is, I've personally given my husband, reason to NOT trust Jacob and I alone, but, that's a story I'll keep to myself, and laugh about later. ;) BUT, the point is, Is I tell him, everything, and to be honest, it's helpful. It's very helpful to talk about a relationship like this, to someone else. It SHOULD be your committed other, but, outside opinions, always offer insight to me, whether I admit it at the time or not. If there are concerns about a relationship that someone has, they should be out and in the open, and taken seriously.
Those are the rules I've decided upon, however, I Do have a few ideas for more, and I'll be able to think about them more clearly, in the future. I believe that spending time, with the opposite sex, who isn't your significant other, CAN be healthy, but it needs to be legit, and carefully thought out.
What are your ideas and concerns about having friends of the opposite sex, while otherwise committed?
NO matter what you do, realize, that open honesty is always needed, and mistakes will still always be made. However, Following a certain set of rules(not necessarily mine), can help avoid, tragedy, heartbreak, and emotional distress of a terrible kind.
Here's my thoughts on the matter.
It's perfectly acceptable, in the 21st century. The incredible amount of growth, society itself has come upon, a great amount of leniency. Thank goodness. Because, If I had been best friends with a guy, back say, 20, 30 yrs ago, (purely based on hearsay, not knowledge, because well, let's face it, i'm clearly only 23), I am SURE it would have created SO many more problems.
Yes, While, it's acceptable nowadays, IS IT SMART?
Smart? Is That even a thing, of this generation? I look around me, and All I seem to be able to see, is, Laziness, obtuseness, and Even lacking any real motivation. I swear to whoever I believe in, I think we all sit around, and do what we like, and if we don't have what we like, we wait for someone to do it for us. Really?
Anyway, Back to the point, Is Being friends, with the opposite sex, WHILE you're Married, or in an otherwise, committed relationship, Smart?
I really, haven't decided this quite yet. While, I have one myself, I certainly think, we've made a few errors along the way. Which, I DO think, are entirely avoidable, Which, IS why, I've decided, a FEW rules, for such a friendship, Should absolutely, be in play.
I have a best friend, that we'll Jacob. Now, My friend, and I love other people. Don't get me wrong, we love each other as well, but, As far as ROMANTIC LOVE, it remains to be absent in this platonic relationship.
Let's create some rules together. For everyone to follow. I'm going over what I have so far. NO, These rules I don't believe, are in any kind of order, I'm kind of just winging it here.
RULE #1: The absolute thing I'm sure of, Is, Be aware of both sides of boundaries. It's 100% avoidable, to feel like, you HAVE to do anything, just because of the gender of said comrade. Which, I don't know about any other girls, But sometimes, social conformity has lead me to believe that I have to act a certain way, because there's a "gentleman present", or because, males, are the alpha sex, of this world. Want to have a friend, of the opposite sex, while you're otherwise committed? Have boundaries, and be aware of what your friend is ok with, and NOT ok with.
Rule #2: What's your motive? IF you don't know, DECIDE! Is your motive, to have that relationship? Close buds? Or... is your motive, a back up, in case your current commitment, fails? I can say, I've honestly, kept a close relationship in the past because, I thought, maybe, my relationship wouldn't work out, and this could be my backup. Which, Was TERRIBLE. Because, clearly, neither of those relationships worked out anyway. If your motive, isn't 100% great, DON'T commit to anything with that friend. Don't... say, completely ignore the pour soul, BUT, just, don't find yourself in a vulnerable situation, you may otherwise regret. Originally, My motive for being friends with Jacob, was, because I felt responsible for him. I felt like, I needed to be there for him whenever he needed me, to vent, or, if he needed me to help him along with something, I wanted to be that person. I wanted to help him, and be his friend.
My Motives, have since, changed, and flip flopped, however, RIGHT now, they remain, to keep close to him, so if he needs anything, He could come to me. I have this craving, to be able to help people whenever I can. Which, yes, I know, admitting out loud, could prove poor for myself, however, That's my thing. I LOVE helping. My 2nd personal motive, for this particular relationship is, I LOVE having this guy friend, I can count on, TO respect my boundaries, which, let's all face it, IS SOOOO hard to come by right now. Legit MEN. While this may prove easier for some girls, it's not easy for me to find someone who does end up trying to disrespect me somehow. Jacob, is a pure soul. He won't ever act that way. So, Recap? Decide if your motive, is 100% honest with everyone involved.
Rule #3: Tell your committed other, EVERYTHING. NO secrets. Why would you do that anyway? It's uncalled for. My husband, truthfully, knows everything about my friendship with Jacob. He tells me how he feels about it, and, tells me he trusts Jacob. What's funny, is, I've personally given my husband, reason to NOT trust Jacob and I alone, but, that's a story I'll keep to myself, and laugh about later. ;) BUT, the point is, Is I tell him, everything, and to be honest, it's helpful. It's very helpful to talk about a relationship like this, to someone else. It SHOULD be your committed other, but, outside opinions, always offer insight to me, whether I admit it at the time or not. If there are concerns about a relationship that someone has, they should be out and in the open, and taken seriously.
Those are the rules I've decided upon, however, I Do have a few ideas for more, and I'll be able to think about them more clearly, in the future. I believe that spending time, with the opposite sex, who isn't your significant other, CAN be healthy, but it needs to be legit, and carefully thought out.
What are your ideas and concerns about having friends of the opposite sex, while otherwise committed?
NO matter what you do, realize, that open honesty is always needed, and mistakes will still always be made. However, Following a certain set of rules(not necessarily mine), can help avoid, tragedy, heartbreak, and emotional distress of a terrible kind.
Fall 2012 Update
If you don't keep close tabs on me, then You probably have no idea who I really am. There are few people who do. Even I don't know who I am. Which is why, I'm leaving UTAH! Ok OK, It may only be for a weekend, But still, it's a MUCH needed weekend. I'll be heading to vegas, and the decisions I make there, are hopefully influence the rest of my life. This, is what i'm going to consider, a self journey.
See, Lately, I've made a few interesting decisions. Some bad, Some good, Some, not really either or. So, Hopefully, no work, no responsibilities, can help clear my head.
My job is keeping me on my toes. I have to go to at least 1 different house each week, so it doesn't get boring for me, which, is very good for me. The longer I can go without getting bored, is excellent.
Cordo, Is enjoying his new job, at Provo Canyon School. He's very much missing the crew at the hospital. He knew them all, but he's making new friends, and even some of the students like him! LOL. Which is funny, because he always swore, he wouldn't like any other kids besides his own family.
My buddy Tracen, is almost home from his 2 year mission. I'm so excited to see that awesome kid. Speaking of which, i guess i have a letter i keep forgetting to mail out to him.
Xanders new favorite things include, putting mommy's and daddy's clothes on. :) It's kind of hilarious, after a bath, I usually take my time getting him dressed and everything, and When i do, i catch him, running around in a diaper, with maybe my heels, or my tank top, or one of my socks on. He's just awesome. He also keeps putting on my makeup, which, he hasn't learned about genders quite yet, so until he does that, i'm going to take pictures every time, and not freak out. HAHA.
He's turning 2, at the end of the month. I'm not as stressed about this party as I was about his first party, tho, I've got a feeling, much less people will come to this one, since it's just a 2 yr old, isn't his first anything, and won't be his last, therefore, it's not as important to as many people. BuT, it still is for me, and Honestly, I do remember who is there, and who isn't there, and it does take a toll on me to have people say they care about me, and then not come to support my son/family. It's a bit of a bummer. :(
My photography will be taking a bit of a break, with the new job, and the winter season coming soon. And, OH, I quit kiddie kandids after a measly 2 months of working there because the manager quit, and quite honestly, I only liked her. The rest of the employees with the exception of the one who got hired on the same time as me, were awful people. Meh.
Anyway, That's the update of my life. I'll post this tonight, but I will be attempting to do a much more... intelligent post as well.
See, Lately, I've made a few interesting decisions. Some bad, Some good, Some, not really either or. So, Hopefully, no work, no responsibilities, can help clear my head.
My job is keeping me on my toes. I have to go to at least 1 different house each week, so it doesn't get boring for me, which, is very good for me. The longer I can go without getting bored, is excellent.
Cordo, Is enjoying his new job, at Provo Canyon School. He's very much missing the crew at the hospital. He knew them all, but he's making new friends, and even some of the students like him! LOL. Which is funny, because he always swore, he wouldn't like any other kids besides his own family.
My buddy Tracen, is almost home from his 2 year mission. I'm so excited to see that awesome kid. Speaking of which, i guess i have a letter i keep forgetting to mail out to him.
Xanders new favorite things include, putting mommy's and daddy's clothes on. :) It's kind of hilarious, after a bath, I usually take my time getting him dressed and everything, and When i do, i catch him, running around in a diaper, with maybe my heels, or my tank top, or one of my socks on. He's just awesome. He also keeps putting on my makeup, which, he hasn't learned about genders quite yet, so until he does that, i'm going to take pictures every time, and not freak out. HAHA.
He's turning 2, at the end of the month. I'm not as stressed about this party as I was about his first party, tho, I've got a feeling, much less people will come to this one, since it's just a 2 yr old, isn't his first anything, and won't be his last, therefore, it's not as important to as many people. BuT, it still is for me, and Honestly, I do remember who is there, and who isn't there, and it does take a toll on me to have people say they care about me, and then not come to support my son/family. It's a bit of a bummer. :(
My photography will be taking a bit of a break, with the new job, and the winter season coming soon. And, OH, I quit kiddie kandids after a measly 2 months of working there because the manager quit, and quite honestly, I only liked her. The rest of the employees with the exception of the one who got hired on the same time as me, were awful people. Meh.
Anyway, That's the update of my life. I'll post this tonight, but I will be attempting to do a much more... intelligent post as well.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
New WORLDS!
Holy Crap! McCord and I have both gotten, BRAND new jobs! EEk! McCord, Will now be working at the Provo Canyon School, in the Dietary. And, I will be working for Chrysalis, and Kiddie Kandids. :)
Yes, I took two. I figured, More of a chance that I could love one of them and Really not have to go back to Provo school district. UGH! I'm so done with that place! Thank goodness! The best relationships, I'll for sure keep in touch with. I'm working on becoming a sponsor so I can pick up and visit one of my students, otherwise I'll miss that kid.
Anyways, money is not quite coming in yet, since we're both just getting into the flow of the working, and then, we should be getting paid a lot more. I mean, like, more often, and more at once, as opposed to, all paychecks grouped into one a month, which was getting to be so horrible. :( It's hard to figure out how much you need for a month as opposed to buying when you need/can. We're actually starting a savings account again, since that's something that seems to be drained every time we DO get one going, so i'm hoping that doesn't happen as much anymore. I am able to keep myself busy, with both these jobs. Something that helps me stay happy, is staying busy. The more down time/alone time I have the more depressed I get, the more bad habits I fall back into. So, thank goodness for 2 places hiring me. :)
Xander is still and always will be, adorable. His new favorite sign, is Bug. He doesn't do it perfectly. He grabs and pinches the end of his nose. Lol.
Ready to go swimming.
Well, I think i'm done for now. Probably won't talk soon, but i'll keep you updated if anything major happens, like, new jobs! :)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
What is happiness?
A question, no doubt, we've all pondered. A question, that every single person, on this earth, has a different answer to. A question, no one, can answer, for anyone else. One, that even I, don't know the answer to, for myself.
I've cut myself off from blogging for a good reason. I tend to get all... emotional and no one ever really needs to know what's going on in my life. Not through a blog. It's sad how we end up relying on social networks... to fix our social lives. How we, use them, to cure our loneliness, or use them to find out, is this person still alive? Remember, the old fashioned... Phone call??? Letter? Where did those go?
The 1st year, is definitely not the hardest year of marriage for McCord and I. For us, it's the 3rd. (SO Far..) and... impressively that took an interesting turn, seeing as how... it just started. Not to get into details, no one needs those anymore, seeing as how, it's really no one's business.... but, prayers, are always welcome. McCord, and I, love each other... so much. It's just... so hard, for someone like me, to be in a relationship, consistently, for so long, (This is my longest) And, have it be a happy one. True to my ways, I've gone to places these past few months, I can't take back, or change. Anyway, my point is, we're still working things out, and it's not easy.
One of my only TRUE friends right now, is with us. As a roommate. The blessings that have come from that are capricious to say the least. I doubt he'll ever read this, so I can say whatever I want and have him not get mad.... ;))) Goofiest kid ever. Definitely Helps you understand life a different way. He's the best. The optimism that comes from such a sad person, is wondrous. I can't believe it. I wish I could be like that.
Anyway, there's the update. That hasn't happened for months out of fear for spilling too much, or venting in the wrong way.... :)
BTW... happiness, to me.... right now, is having a Boy..like Xander... love me unconditionally. I don't think I would be here if he wasn't here. That kid, just gives me a reason to want to be alive.
I've cut myself off from blogging for a good reason. I tend to get all... emotional and no one ever really needs to know what's going on in my life. Not through a blog. It's sad how we end up relying on social networks... to fix our social lives. How we, use them, to cure our loneliness, or use them to find out, is this person still alive? Remember, the old fashioned... Phone call??? Letter? Where did those go?
The 1st year, is definitely not the hardest year of marriage for McCord and I. For us, it's the 3rd. (SO Far..) and... impressively that took an interesting turn, seeing as how... it just started. Not to get into details, no one needs those anymore, seeing as how, it's really no one's business.... but, prayers, are always welcome. McCord, and I, love each other... so much. It's just... so hard, for someone like me, to be in a relationship, consistently, for so long, (This is my longest) And, have it be a happy one. True to my ways, I've gone to places these past few months, I can't take back, or change. Anyway, my point is, we're still working things out, and it's not easy.
One of my only TRUE friends right now, is with us. As a roommate. The blessings that have come from that are capricious to say the least. I doubt he'll ever read this, so I can say whatever I want and have him not get mad.... ;))) Goofiest kid ever. Definitely Helps you understand life a different way. He's the best. The optimism that comes from such a sad person, is wondrous. I can't believe it. I wish I could be like that.
Anyway, there's the update. That hasn't happened for months out of fear for spilling too much, or venting in the wrong way.... :)
BTW... happiness, to me.... right now, is having a Boy..like Xander... love me unconditionally. I don't think I would be here if he wasn't here. That kid, just gives me a reason to want to be alive.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
WOw...It's been a while.
I haven't posted in quite some time. There's reason for that. But...i won't go into detail.
As for news. I've officially started work again. I talked my buddy mike into coming back to work with me so i wasn't alone. And, yeah. it'll be a good year. :))) I got me a whole 20 Cent raise. it's fantastic. I can't wait to catch up on bills.
Now.....To explain our last few weeks.
Xander had his 9 month check up, and then we learned his weight is in the bottom 3rd percentile. but everything else is on schedule. He's trying so hard to walk right now. It's so cute. he's starting to think that if he uses his *crab/gorilla walk* he'll get there faster. You should see how fast he'll like, chase after us like, if we leave the room, or he sees Missy, our cat...oh man, that kid could do a crawling/crab walking marathon.
He went up to riverton primary childrens hospital to have his eyes looked at, and they decided that we're doing Surgery on October 14th, and what it really entails, is they'll be putting like, needles, that have balloons on the end of them, and they swell the balloons up, once they're in place, and then he'll like, have his tear ducts unclogged. I'm very worried about him. i dont want anything to go wrong. I can't imagine parents who have thier babies in surgery every month to fix one thing or another. UGh i'd have a heart attack.
Well, i'm not sure what else to write. TTYL!
As for news. I've officially started work again. I talked my buddy mike into coming back to work with me so i wasn't alone. And, yeah. it'll be a good year. :))) I got me a whole 20 Cent raise. it's fantastic. I can't wait to catch up on bills.
Now.....To explain our last few weeks.
Xander had his 9 month check up, and then we learned his weight is in the bottom 3rd percentile. but everything else is on schedule. He's trying so hard to walk right now. It's so cute. he's starting to think that if he uses his *crab/gorilla walk* he'll get there faster. You should see how fast he'll like, chase after us like, if we leave the room, or he sees Missy, our cat...oh man, that kid could do a crawling/crab walking marathon.
He went up to riverton primary childrens hospital to have his eyes looked at, and they decided that we're doing Surgery on October 14th, and what it really entails, is they'll be putting like, needles, that have balloons on the end of them, and they swell the balloons up, once they're in place, and then he'll like, have his tear ducts unclogged. I'm very worried about him. i dont want anything to go wrong. I can't imagine parents who have thier babies in surgery every month to fix one thing or another. UGh i'd have a heart attack.
Well, i'm not sure what else to write. TTYL!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
4th of July
Here are some pictures to show you my weekend. Xanders 1st, 4th of July. It was pretty fun. I probably bought his guitar/star onsie back in April....thinking, he's got 2 months to fit into it...it should be fine. it's a 6-9 month onsie...and it was drowning him. SO..I put another onsie underneath, and put some jeans on him. they were still big, but just fine. So, That is my favorite onsie i have now. I just wish it didn't say USA rocks. But it's okay, he does live here i guess. LOL. Anyway, so,i get him dressed in the morning, and McCord had to go to work. So, we went with him. He worked from 1-6:30. Which, can get old to xander very fast. I try not to put him down on the floor to crawl around, cuz let's face it, hospitals are not the cleanest place to be. And, he can only be entertained by silly faces for so long. Anyway, We were there then, and then after, we went to McCords moms house, for a BBQ on McCords new grill, and then we did fireworks.BtW...Worst weather ever for a 4th holiday. That was lame. it totally rained!But, the fireworks were awesome. Xander was scared at first, but he got used to it, and then loved to watch the sparkling lights. I tried to get a few pictures,but it didn't work much. Lame. I still have much to learn about my camera. BULB settings would have been nice to learn. maybe by the 24th. ;) I'll upload some more too...promise. But...this first picture, i think was actually the 2nd of July..and then the tie dye onsie was the 3rd, and then the guitar star was the 4th. He had little flag shoes too to go along with the holiday. One thing i've learned..is don't buy shoes unless he can wear them with a lot of things. And...it think those are the only holiday shoes i'll ever buy. Did love them tho. :) Babies R Us is my weakness. Whether i have money or not. And, yes, I bought them forever ago. So, no worries. I knew i wouldn't have money in the summer. HAHA.anyway, McCord had fun being a pyro, with the Now Legal Aerials, and I had fun holding Xander and watching his reaction. 
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