4th of July

Here are some pictures to show you my weekend. Xanders 1st, 4th of July. It was pretty fun. I probably bought his guitar/star onsie back in April....thinking, he's got 2 months to fit into it...it should be fine. it's a 6-9 month onsie...and it was drowning him. SO..I put another onsie underneath, and put some jeans on him. they were still big, but just fine. So, That is my favorite onsie i have now. I just wish it didn't say USA rocks. But it's okay, he does live here i guess. LOL. Anyway, so,i get him dressed in the morning, and McCord had to go to work. So, we went with him. He worked from 1-6:30. Which, can get old to xander very fast. I try not to put him down on the floor to crawl around, cuz let's face it, hospitals are not the cleanest place to be. And, he can only be entertained by silly faces for so long. Anyway, We were there then, and then after, we went to McCords moms house, for a BBQ on McCords new grill, and then we did fireworks.BtW...Worst weather ever for a 4th holiday. That was lame. it totally rained!But, the fireworks were awesome. Xander was scared at first, but he got used to it, and then loved to watch the sparkling lights. I tried to get a few pictures,but it didn't work much. Lame. I still have much to learn about my camera. BULB settings would have been nice to learn. maybe by the 24th. ;) I'll upload some more too...promise. But...this first picture, i think was actually the 2nd of July..and then the tie dye onsie was the 3rd, and then the guitar star was the 4th. He had little flag shoes too to go along with the holiday. One thing i've learned..is don't buy shoes unless he can wear them with a lot of things. And...it think those are the only holiday shoes i'll ever buy. Did love them tho. :) Babies R Us is my weakness. Whether i have money or not. And, yes, I bought them forever ago. So, no worries. I knew i wouldn't have money in the summer. HAHA.anyway, McCord had fun being a pyro, with the Now Legal Aerials, and I had fun holding Xander and watching his reaction.  

How was your 4th? Sometimes I ask questions at the end because i do expect answers. Seeing as how only Alisha answers my blog sometimes...;) BTW...thanks for being my loyal follower Alisha!

Darkness vs Happiness

That last post was a little dark. So...let me do a happy post to even it out a bit. :))

Xander, is 8 months old now. In the past 8 months, my life has...brightened. :) I can't stand how much i love Xander. He, and of course, i'm Biased to my own son, is the cutest baby i've ever seen. Just today, he fit into a shirt that was 0-3 mo. And, i say that, because, I am so...happy. that he's small. Is that weird? before i had him, i always thought, I want a chunky baby. I totally reverse my thoughts on that. I love being able to dress him, in the same clothes, as 3 months ago. it makes for using baby clothes more so they're worth their money. :)))
Now, my birthday, was 9 days ago. Guess what i did.
We went SHOPPING! GUess what i bought! Just basically stuff for my boy! Don't worry, i bought stuff all over 9 mo. (Not that he'll fit into that for a while.) So, from 9-18 mo clothes for my boy. That was soooooo fun. I love shopping for Xander. I know what i like, i buy the same tank tops from Downeast to put under the random "Oh that's cute" shirt i find at whereever. Like walmart. Yep, i shop at walmart for clothes sometimes. You know why? It's like, 4 dollars for a cute shirt! So, i totally don't mind! (Please let it be known, i do shop elsewhere.)
Anyway, My 3rd anniversary is coming up. Does anyone know of any ideas for me to do a celebration/date type thing? I'm like, stumped. I know i want to do big things, like, Italy, Australia, etc, on major anniversary's, but not like, 3. Anyway, yeah, gimme ideas! I'm so excited!

What is your worst feeling?

I ask that because, I remember, mine a lot. My worst feeling. The feeling of being violated occurs pretty often in my dreams. I wake up a lot, and a lot of the time, i dream, something about Foster care. To me, that's a violation. Of privacy, of anything really. She (By she i mean, the foster mom that really is the only one i hate with a passion.)knew how i slept, knew how i ate, knew everything. I had no privacy. Could you imagine? All your deepest secrets, out for the "Family" exposure.

But...sometimes, that wasn't the worst feeling.
The worst, sometimes, for me, would be, me, trying to get a fix, of something, to help me... feel better, even for a moment, and that person, trying to hook me up with that fix, asking me to do a special something for them.

That's the worst. Knowing you may not get temporary happiness without having to expose yourself, even more. And what's even better? Asking an abused teenager, Therefore, much more self conscious than some teens, (Which yes, i realize all teens are self conscious.) to be much more open for a minute, just for them.

I'll add more later. Physical therapy is a-callin'.

The little things that make us happy.

Here's the blog post, i've been meaning to do in a while. it's been over a month since my last post, and i have so much to write. this may have to be 2 different posts.

Xander, is the smartest, little stinker. I bet, if i didn't spoil him so much, he'd learn even faster. But i can't help it.
He's learned to crawl, and he's pulling himself up to a stand on some things. and he's a gorilla sometimes. walks on his tipi toes and hands. it's adorable. He chases missy around the whole house. she hates him. well, maybe not hate. But she hasn't figured him out.
Xander, gets so excited, when he sees himself in the mirror. He always, hits the mirror and gets all happy. it's the best. I'll record it sometime.
He only sleeps...20-45 min at a time. Which, sometimes i'd love a little more time to get something done. You know? But..i'm grateful, in a way. Sometimes, when he's sleeping, i miss him..and want him back awake. So...
then... i think, there are some kids, that give their mom, an  hour nap a day, and are running amok the rest of the day. So..thank goodness xander takes like, 4 naps a day. phew!
Today, he's a little clingy, i just put  him down, and he'll start screaming. and then, i pick him up, and he's so snugly, and, he just quiets after hugging me so tight. It's kinda sweet. 
He's discovered, mom will share food with him sometimes. So what happens is, if i get a drink, (mostly bottles) he watches me drink it, and makes as close as the noises and movements i make, to try and get some. It's adorable. I need to record that too. Don't you wish, someone was always on us with a video camera? I do. To capture the adorable things i know i'm going to want to remember. I miss xander when he was smaller. :(( Sometimes, i want to go back, and see how it would have been had i tried certain things with him? Like, i'm trying to get him to sign "more" and i'm just not consistent. I'm horrible at it :(
Anyway, i'm loving this whole...not having to work thing. It's so wonderful. I always thought i'd be bored...(which i am) but not nearly as bored as like, when i was 10 years old and had no tv or something electronic to keep me company. I love being bored with just xander. He's always doing something new, or keeping me company. He's my cute guy. Which, btw..he answers, to a few things... like, "Hello...or LIttle stinker, or..bubba, or little bubs or my little love" It's funny. People are like, you call him that? He knows that that's him? Yeah...he knows he's my little love. :) I have this one friend, Donovan, who i honestly, underestimated with his power to be any sort of paternal...but he's so cute with xander. And xander loves him. It's great. I just wish the people i really should be close to, would try and be closer with xander and me. Like my dad. I know he means well. But he still hasn't met xander. and, that does kinda put a damper on things. I wish he would. It's lame. Well, xander officially has 3 teeth. His 4th, the top left tooth is Trying to break through,but not quite there yet, and then the little stink, still doesn't have much hair. But i mohawked it yesterday anyway. ;) Stay tuned for a post i've been trying to put together...talk to ya soon!

Sleep Much?

Something's wrong. And i say this, without meaning to worry anyone. I promise. But something's wrong. This whole past week, or so, my body, has not wanted to cooperate. It's been really hard to do ANYTHING! I can't stand it! I am now, in a horrible horrible habit because of my body not doing what i want and should be able to normally do. Now, on to explaining. I go to work from 7:30, to 2:15 daily. I don't mind this. NO not at all. It's fine. However, when i get home at 2:30, i almost immediately have to sleep. I can sleep, til 7. Which, honestly, takes 4 and a half hours a day out of mine, and I HATE IT! BUT...Either way.I need help. I can't continue like this! I need to schedule a doctor appt asap to figure out what's going on! I haven't been this tired since I was Pregnant with Xander.
Which brings me to my next point. I'm not pregnant. I had thought of that. I checked...took a test....twas negative. So i'm not pregnant. But i certainly feel, (minus the constant urination and constant need to eat) like i'm pregnant. No fun. Especially, when, you at least have a reason to be feeling like this. You're body, making another human being, is great! However....to my disappointment...i'm not. Not that i'm ready for another one so close! BUT that would for sure make me feel less worried about my lack of energy, and whatnot.  I would love to know what the hell is going on.
Next point, that needs to be discussed. WHO THE HELL, thought of the anti-depression pills, that make you MORE DEPRESSED?! Well, that's what's been going on. My extreme vulnerability, my regression, yeah...all thanks to a little medicine, supposed to be doing the opposite of what it's doing. Thanks jackass. (Excuse my lack of propriety with that word. Show how pissed i am?) Well, so, once i decided, hey, maybe that's the problem, i stopped taking my pills. Therefore, withdrawal. So, if you've ever actually withdrawn yourself from taking a certain medication, if it was doing anything to your body, you'd know it from withdrawal. Immediatly, like, after 36-48 hours of not taking my medication, i start twitching...and this isn't like, some little tiny twitch. You know those movies, where someone goes to rehab for a drug or alcohol addiction, and so they're all twitchy and weird? That's me. Well, was me. So, I all of a sudden, almost have no control over how stable i look, or walk, etc. SO, imagine that, in MY line of work, with people i DON'T know quite as well as i did in my OTHER job. Yeah, you can imagine the awkwardness. Awful. So, that's been shitty. (Yes i meant to say shitty.)

PS....Don't judge me. I have a tattoo that shows and one that doesn't. I swear. I almost always, wear a cross. (I.e. not freaking mormon) but when the hell did that become a horrible thing to be. Not mormon. Really? You'd be surprised how differently i'm treated. ESPECIALLY since i have a child, and my husband looks like he's 12 years old. My hell, the stares i get are incredible. People definitely are awesome. NOT! Certainly you can't expect me to be too shocked. I knew (of) the risks of getting a tattoo and having it show. However, I completely and 100% believe, people, are shits. (For a lack of better/more mature wording right now) I'm disgusted with how people act here. Here, as in UTah. That's right UTah. i've honestly thought of moving. I want to be closer to family. And...the family i care the most about, is in Virginia. Where there are NOT half as many judgmental people.

Enough for tonight.

"Easy A"

Just watched this. I've got a few things to say. Story...of...my life. Only..the thing is, I never told anyone that i was doing something, i'm not really doing. So really, not the story of my life. However, all her feelings, i totally can relate to. Girl does something nice, however, makes her seem like something she's not, and it blows up in her face, she's just...not that girl, and she ends up, learning a life lesson. She's not really a slut like she wants people to believe. Those people she helped, were just a bit..confused.They thought they wanted what they got, but really, in the end, honesty..is the best medicine. That and a great self esteem. (Aren't her parents amazingly great?)http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1282140/
my thing is, everyone believes me to be this...person, and sometimes, i feel like, i have to live up to THEIR expectations.  When really, I shouldn't.
AnYWaY~.... Here's my week. I have had a hard one. And...not that it's like super hard or anything, but compared to what i'm used to now with Xander, and McCord, the normal drama that I could care less for these days, are there....sooo...we got some news, and that rocked our whole week. It'll probably be very different from here on out. For the rest of the year, we'll have to help someone, move forward in life. 
Wanna hear something odd??? I found a bruise...on my boob. That's right, a bruise. Now, i've narrowed it down to 2 things. Xander, or someone at work. Now, let's think about this. I have 3 violent kids at work. And, they don't necessarily get to me all the time. So...i'm not so sure it's them. However, 1, this week, bit my finger. My finger, dripped blood, for about an hour, and then, after that, it was just, like, bandaged, so yeah. But i couldn't take the bandaid off for about 24 hours. Anyway, if the bruise was from xander, no prob. that kid, is so grabby, when i feed him, he likes to go for my mouth...usually. And my hair. So, i was thinking he could have pinched me. BUT...i don't think he would have gotten me that hard. now..my next thought,w as his teeth. Those 2 little teeth....are sharp little suckers! The bruise is small enough to where i could see him biting me. HAHA...mystery of the week? Lol.

Well, that's the story of my life. ;) Tune in for next week. Story of my mothers day week, 1st one as an actual MOTHER! :))) McCord keeps talking about how he knows exactly what he's getting me. So it has me on edge. i'm like a child. I can't wait.

I need to find myself again.

Lately, i've been a bit more...shall we say, regressive? I need to stay off of FB for a while, and see if that helps me get the time i need to discover myself again. I'm thinking, it may have to do with my anti depressants. They are just...doing quite the opposite job they're supposed to be doing. Which, sucks. Obviously. Cuz, how shitty is that? Anti deppressants making you depressed? Awesome.
ANYWAY, so, i'm going to keep taking them, because...honestly, they speed up my metabolism, and it's one of the only safe if not THE only safe one,  i can actually be on while breast feeding. :)
So, i'm staying off of my personal page, i'll be updating the Gabography page whenever i get a shoot edited...and yeah!:)

Xander tried carrots...and he was so sick of being in the high chair since he was in it for a whole...20 min by then. (Yes that's a long time, since he hates going in it for even 5 min) And, this is the picture he let me take of him, that i will probably love forever.

And then, this one, the other day, April 16th, we were in Hot Topic browsing, and whatnot, and then, i found these glasses. Just had to try them on Xander. :)

Anyway, those are my pictures of the week :)
And.......back to editing pictures! I just needed a vent break. :)

Ps...you know what really "grinds my gears"?
people who leave their kids, or pets in the car, at a grocery store, in the emergency lane, and then go inside to do their business. Hello! If it was meant to be a parking spot, they would have made one. ESPECIALLY if you leave your kids inside, and think it's okay. UGH! Makes me wanna call the police every time. But, to be honest, i have. I will again, if i find it necessary. Park and take your kids inside okay? If you have the time to go to walmart, take the time to load and unload your kids. You never know what can happen when you leave them in a car, by itself. Which, brings me to my next point. leaving your car running, with your kids in it, is just ASKING for someone to kidnap your child. Don't be a dumbass!

NIGHT! :)